Unglued: Why no LASER beam?

Writer: Matt Price
Feature, Issue 28, Published online on 31 Jan 2007

When cassettes replaced vinyl, I made mixtapes and moved on. When the iPod replaced the Discman, I threw the clunky silver oval in the trash.

But there’s one piece of my musical history that I cannot just watch disappear into thin air—the laser show.

Where has the laser show gone? Are we too isolated, sitting at home in the dark with our MP3 players? Are we too aloof, too cynical and just generally too proud to enjoy the synchronization of guitar riffs and millimeter-thin beams of blue light?

Well, I’m not proud. I’ve been wowed by many a light show in my day, and I’m on a mission to revive the once beloved pastime, to once again merge music and laser. Here are some of my fantastic suggestions.**

LASER IRON & WINE

Sam Beam must already be thinking of this because, to me, nothing says huge light show like an Iron & Wine album. The soft guitar, the hushed tones, the poetic lyrics. Every time I hear “Naked as We Came,” I imagine lasers shooting from all corners of Wembley Stadium while 70,000 people follow the soft, slow beams of light, perhaps the Sam Beams of light? Yeah, that’s right, I said it. You can’t deny that these lyrics are prime for some lasering: “Be this sunset soon forgotten / Your brothers left here shaved and crazy / We’ve learned to hide our bottles in the well / And what’s worth keeping, sun still sinking.” I know, right? You can almost see the lasers spring off of Sam’s acoustic guitar. Maybe you’d open the show with Ray La Laser Montagne. If Zeppelin can light up a simple song like “Kashmir,” Laser Iron & Wine is not far behind.

’90S ONE-HIT WONDER LASER EXTRAVAGANZA

We’ve all heard the one-hit wonders from the ’80s. “Major Tom?” I get it. You’re the answer to “Space Oddity.” “99 Luftballoons?” Sure, you’re a hot German lady. But the one-hit wonders from the ’90s? Hold the rotary-dial phone. How great would the first chords of Marcy Playground’s “Sex & Candy” sound with some laser-light-show action? Or Chumbawamba? “I get knocked down [low laser!], but I get up again [high laser!]”—the song choreographs itself. Do I even need to mention Lem’s “Steal My Sunshine?” Um… lasers? Sunshine? Hello? Bring out Extreme to close the show with “More Than Words,” and start printing money.

LASER WEEZER

They rock. They have a good sense of humor. Their CDs are all almost color themed. And Laser Weezer just sounds cool. Laser Weezer. I can’t stop saying it. Laser Weezer. How can you not laugh while saying, “Laser Weezer?” You’re not a fun person if you can’t chuckle at the mention of Laser Weezer. Come to think of it, it’s a good way to decide if someone is right for you. You: “Hey, do you want to come to see a cool show with me?” Her: “what show?” You: “Laser Weezer?” Her (the bad response): “that sounds lame.” Her (the good response): “Ha! That’s hilarious! I’d love to, and we should make out because it’s so funny!” Laser Weezer.

Ha. We should make out indeed.

FEDER-LASER

Alright, hold on, hold on, hear me out on the prospects of a laser show featuring K-Fed, aka Kevin Federline, aka the former Mr. Spears. Right now, he’s clinging to the last vestiges of popularity. His rap album didn’t do so well. His kid is probably driving a Baby Hummer on the Pacific Coast Highway. And his ex-wife, well… But at least the man can dance and go to clubs. And last I checked, clubs have blinking lights.

Cue Feder-Laser. Put the derby-wearing hipster in a Vegas hotspot, give him a mic and just fire off lasers like he’s firing off sperm. You don’t even have to use his music. No one will know the difference.

LASER LILITH FAIR

Sarah McLachlan created Lilith Fair as a response to sexism in the music industry. Running from 1997 to 1999, the empowering tour featured all female artists and gave a voice to a segment of the music community that often didn’t have one. And what better way to bring the tour back than with some kick-ass lasers! “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” Let’s find out under a laser display! You won’t strain to hear Keren Ann’s delicate vocals with hundreds of lasers swirling around her. Cat Power is excellent. But make it Laser Cat Power? Oh no you didn’t!!! Yes, yes, I did. Lilith Fair has two “L”s already. Let’s give it a third. That’s right… wait for it… Laser.

**Incidentally, I have copyrighted all of these ideas, but in the spirit of fairness, I could probably be persuaded into partnering with an artist for 75 percent of the gross plus a merchandising fee of 10 percent and a 20-percent royalty fee. To music and art!!!

Unglued: Why no LASER beam?

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