Edited by Rachael Maddux • Illustrations by Jeremy Holmes
Contributing Faunomusicologists: Evan Coulombe, Jeremy Goldmeier, Caren Kelleher, Jason Killingsworth, Nick Marino
Behold the animal-band kingdom and its wondrous variety of herds, hives, broods and gaggles. For the benefit of present and future generations, the Paste Faunomusicology Society's team of hardy researchers scoured the globe-- the dusty wilds of the Australian outback, the frothy shores of California's coast, the icy tundra of Sheffield and most everywhere in between-- to bring you this, our humble offering on the grand altar of naturalism, our Field Guide to Animal Bands.
Please peruse these pages and click on each image to fully behold the majesty of our labors.
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JUNGLE
Elefant (a)
Atmospherius peanuttius
Habitat: Dwells in New York City, but boasts Argentinian roots
Conservation status: With few recent sightings reported, some scientists believe species population is on the decline. Others maintain that the creatures are simply in extensive hibernation, citing research that suggests sunlight makes them paranoid.
Le Tigre (b)
Grrlius electronicus
Diet: Befriends and protects creatures that would normally become dinner for big cats, subsisting instead upon leafy greens and crepes
Conservation status: Endangered. Many researchers feel the creatures’ unconventional feeding habits have made them easy targets for more aggressive prey, thus the decline.
Wolfmother (c)
Sabbathius reverencia
Habitat: Australian outback
Appearance: Notable for its powerful stance, dark rings around the eyes and absence of fur on its forequarters, this creature also exhibits a shock of curly hair on its head and muzzle—as difficult to tame as the beast itself.
Jesus Lizard (d)
Yowlius howlius
Behavior: Abrasive and erratic, with a shocking tendency to expose its genitals
Mating Cry: Alternately screeching and droning
Conservation status: Extinct, pending resurrection and second coming
Grizzly Bear (e)
Knifeus buzzius
Mating Cry: A ghostly siren song that has lured many unsuspecting hipsters into the creature’s lair
Habitat: Brooklyn, though occasionally retreats to mother’s den to reproduce
Mastodon (f)
Shreddus extremis
Did you know? This is one of the few tusked mammals hailing from the American South.
Defense mechanism: Terrifying roar
Appearance: A notable example of the Progressivus metalus species (which, until recently, was believed extinct), the Mastodon is a giant creature covered with mysterious blue-green markings and sporting a wild auburn mane.
Behavior: Known to assert its dominance over smaller, wimpier creatures. Spends most of its time crushing rock.
Arctic Monkeys (g)
Sheffieldius buzzius
History: One of the first species discovered through internet surveillance, these energetic mammals quickly became popular pets. However, owners who doted upon them in their young and cuddly infancy proved less interested in caring for them as they aged. Once the novelty wore off, many were released back into the wild.
Pedro The Lion (h)
Davus depressus
Habitat: This brooding feline prefers rainy coastal climes
Weaknesses: Suffers from a lack of control and a tender achilles heel
Gorillaz (i)
Fakebandius maximus
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INSECTS, BIRDS & RODENTS
Modest Mouse (a)
Notindius anymorus
Did you know?: This creature’s common name comes from the tale of another woodland creature, the Virginia Wolf.
Habitat: Though concentrated during non-migratory periods in the Pacific Northwest, species dwellings have been observed in locales as distant as the Moon and Antarctica
Peculiar Characteristics: Unlike most of their rodent relatives, modest mice rarely infest sea-faring vessels because they are prone to fatal seasickness. Scientists surviving one ill-fated research voyage recall the creatures were dead before the ship even sank.
Jayhawks (b)
Indefinitus hiatus
Conservation status: After traveling as a unified flock for nearly 20 years, these birds mysteriously dispersed last year. Whether this is a permanent trend within the species is unknown.
Habitat: Some favor roosting locations surrounded by golden-hued smog, though a recent sighting at a nickel creek placed others in the company of three young country chickens.
Mosquitos (c)
Bossanovius bilinguilia
Behavior: Preying upon lovers of breezy Brazilian pop music, they spread infectious melodies to the human populace, even to subjects with exceptionally thick skin.
Papa Roach (d)
Eyelinerea rapcoreus
Habitat: Can subsist in any environment, though most frequently found in the bedrooms and cars of sullen, suburban teenagers
Life span: Much longer than most people would expect or enjoy
Black Crowes (e)
Amoricus retrorockus
Behavior: Rarely preening their feathers and tending to draw large flocks of other birds, zookeepers typically regard these creatures as too hard to handle.
History: Enjoyed a brief surge of popularity among ornithologists during the early ’90s, though observers soon found the birds’ movements far too erratic.
Conservation status: Species population has waned over the last decade—likely due to frequent shifts in flock membership—but now seems poised for a comeback.
Raveonettes (f)
Eyelinerea copenhageus
Behavior: Typically travel in pairs
Appearance: Known for their exquisite bone structure
Vocalization: Known to chirp uncontrollably when exposed to droning guitar washes and ’60s girl-group melodies
White Rabbits (g)
Walkmenius aspiria
Birdmonster (h)
Bayareaus hybridia
Bird & the Bee(i)
Tropicalius hybridia
Cardinals (j)
Adamus backingus
Danger Mouse (k)
Auteuria costumeus
FARM
Band of Horses (l)
Morningjacketus derivitus
Habitat: Once native to the Pacific Northwest, now most commonly spotted in Mt. Pleasant, S.C., and surrounding environs
Typical diet: Spilled beer
Notable feature: Prominent beards common among adult males
Vocalization: May be easily confused with Neilius juvenis or Jimius jamus.
Sparklehorse (m)
Equus miserabilis
Mountain Goats (n)
Darniellea lofius
Crazy Horse (Not pictured, too crazy)
Neilius collaboratus
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AQUATIC
Sea Wolf (a)
Londonia novelis
History: Originally conceived by scientists attempting to create the ultimate animal (combining the uncanny intelligence of Seaus cakia and the likability of Wolfus paradis), the resulting creature put its creators to sleep with its mellow song, then escaped.
Vocalization: If you listen closely, on quiet nights you can hear the haunting aquatic howls of this fascinating hybrid as it roams the California coast.
Phish (b)
Beninjerryus inspiratius
Vocalization: Emits hundreds of variations on the same basic call
Conservation status: After suffering apparent extinction a decade ago, the population made a brief comeback before dropping off the map once more. Rumors of a yet another resurgence continue to circulate, but scientists remain skeptical.
Did you know? Their migratory patterns drew thousands of researchers, many of whom traveled great distances to track their movements.
Aquabats (c)
Skaswimmius vampirus
SOLITARY
Caribou (d)
Snaithius mathematica
Habitat: Manitoba, Canada, until a litigious neighbor forced the pack to migrate.
Cat Power (e)
Lagerfeldus modelia
Habitat: Lives in bars, dances on tables
Behavior: Known to seek attention from other creatures, but soon becomes skittish and reclusive
Vocalization: Distinctive, but frequently adopts the songs of others
Andrew Bird (f)
Professionalis whistla
Snoop Dogg (g)
Foshizzleus mynizzleus
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Whitesnake (a)
Metalus permius
T. Rex (b)
Bolanius spandexius
Scorpions (c)
Metalus deutschius
Beatles (d)
Populus favoritus
Yardbirds (e)
Guitargodius incubatoria
Ratt (f)
Metalus glamorus
Turtles (g)
Psychedelia bubblegummus
Byrds (h)
Dylania coverius
Def Leppard (i)
Metalus schmetalus
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