Maxim Reviews: A Paste Investigation

[Above: Smells like more of the same to Maxim]

Maxim magazine apologized to the Black Crowes last week for running a review of the band's new album, despite the fact that the reviewer hadn't listened to all of it. While the magazine swore the review was actually a preview, and that it shouldn't have had a star rating, we weren't so sure. Was this an isolated case, or part of a larger trend?

Always on the case in the name of investigative journalism, Paste looked into the publication's sordid past and discovered some disturbing trends in its reviews section. Impressively, some of the following pieces were published before the magazine even existed. Here are a few choices lines from seven of the most suspicious reviews Maxim has ever published:

Nirvana's Nevermind: "Another formulaic big-hair band. Move along, nothing to see here. There's been a lot of buzz about the Seattle scene, but if this is its vanguard, that buzz will never make it out of the Pacific Northwest. 'Smells Like Teen Spirit'? Smells like more of the same to us."

Paul Simon's Graceland: "Paul, we love you (though we love Art more,) but you've been mining the same territory for 20 years! Why not mix it up a little? Try some world beats, bring in some horns. Maybe an African chorus on a song or two? We'll stick with you, we promise."

Kevin Federline's Playing with Fire: "Who knew K-Fed could rock this hard? Move over Britney—looks like Mr. Spears is the one with real talent in the family. Mark our words: you'll be hearing this a lot in 2006. The hits just keep coming!"

Tori Amos' Little Earthquakes: "Watch your backs, Mariah Carey, TLC and Mary J. Blige! Tori Amos and her booming voice have made the dance record of the year."

Dr. Dre's The Chronic: "The same tired old samples you've heard a million times. MC Hammer, spend your money, you have nothing to worry about."

Johnny Cash's American Recordings: "We never thought we would hear The Man in Black go hip-hop, but he's teamed with uber-producer Rick Rubin to release one of the decade's finest rap moments."

Van Halen's 5150: "David Lee Roth has never sounded better. We're glad the band worked out its differences with ol' Diamond Dave. Van Halen simply wouldn't exist with a different lead singer."