Unglued: And You Can Quote Me

From: Secret Syndicate That Runs Hollywood
To: Studio Publicity Departments
Re: Critic Quotes

Colleagues, 2007 was a banner year for over-the-top quotes from our staff of movie critics. The high point had to be Ben Lyons of E! calling I Am Legend “One of the Greatest Movies Ever Made.” We suppose he could actually believe that, if he’s only seen 5-10 other movies in his life. That was fantastic work, Warner Bros., and it’s really setting the bar high for everyone else this year. But we believe you can clear it. Below is some of the promo copy for the films we have lined up for 2008, along with the critic we want to comment on the film, and what we want him to say. These are just jumping-off points, so please encourage the critics to really get grandiose and use their imaginations.

• You loved him as Madea. Now Tyler Perry is the heftiest, gun-totingist, most hilarious rapper in hip-hop history. “It’s a madcap adventure that will warm your heart and tickle your funny bone,” says Today’s Gene Shalit. “Perfect for the whole family.” You won’t believe your eyes. Tyler Perry’s Notorious BIG, opening soon in a theater near you.

• Picasso. Einstein. They were giants in their fields. But what would have happened if they’d crossed paths, on the verge of their greatest works—and someone wanted them dead? The Rock is Albert Einstein; Vin Diesel is Pablo Picasso, in Picasso at the Lapin Agile. Raves Rolling Stone’s Peter Travers: “Why give the Oscar for Best Actor to just one of them? They deserve to split it!” At the Lapin Agile, tonight’s special is ALWAYS action!

• Life had been perfect for Sam ever since his neighbor moved out—peaceful, quiet, calm. Then SHE moved in next door. If they don’t kill each other, they might just live happily ever after. NBC’s Reel Talk’s Jeffrey Lyons raves: “Lindsay Lohan is the new Audrey Hepburn.” Richard Roeper says, “Lohan and Connery make the perfect couple.” Sean Connery, Lindsay Lohan, in The Sublet.

• He’s back, and he’s wetter than ever! This summer, the world’s greatest canine athlete is hitting the waves. His family went on vacation, but he’s got a different kind of boarding in mind. CNN’s Larry King raves “Best movie I have ever seen, starring a golden retriever or otherwise. I’ll never know how they taught that dog to surf!” If you see one family film this summer, it’s got to be Air Bud: Doggy Paddler.

• De Niro. Pacino. Hoffman. Larry. Curly. Moe. “The Three Stooges is hilarious,” raves Leonard Maltin. “De Niro has never been better. I laughed so hard I cried, and I cried so hard I laughed!”

• In a world...where anything can happen, ravaged by conflict, zombies fight ninjas, ninjas fight robots, robots fight pirates. “This is the movie I have waited my whole life for,” raves Aint It Cool News’ Harry Knowles. “You can’t miss The Zombie/Ninja/Pirate/Robot War.”

During our brainstorming session here at Syndicate Headquarters, we also came up with a surplus of great blurbs, so feel free to add these to a critic’s comments at your discretion. Just remember to not have your critic call more than one film in a year “The Best Movie of the Year.” And it’s always, ALWAYS “raves,” never “says” or “writes.”

• “I liked (BLANK) more than I like oxygen.”

• “If Jesus Christ were alive today, this is the kind of film he would make.”

• “A thousand years from now, I hope this film is the basis for how our descendants judge our society.”

• “Better than a cure for cancer. In fact, I would contract cancer if it was the only way to see this movie!”

• “Robin Williams/Eddie Murphy has never been funnier!”

In closing, I would like to thank you all for your hard work. We’ve come a long way since the days of “Run, don’t walk, to the theater to see.... .” And if any of the critics get uppity with you, remind them that the first-class airfare and five-star hotels we provide oΩer the only meaning in their lives. Then remind them what we did to Siskel.