Bathing John Malkovich: the actor soaps up on Super Deluxe

Welcome to the first—and probably only—edition of PasteMagazine.com's newest feature, The Baconator! (Please don't sue us, Wendy's.) Harnessing the power of Kevin Bacon and his marvelous networking skills, each week—again, probably just this week—we'll find a handful of seemingly random movies and Baconize them! Of course, Kevin Bacon himself will never actually be involved in this—seriously, one-time-only—feature, nor will the "six degrees" scenario so often associated with him. Honestly, we just thought it was a funny name. (Please take mercy on us, esteemed followers of Dave Thomas.)

Today, we're going to draw a connecting line between Scary Movie 4, Risky Business, Star Wars, Mystic Pizza and Rounders through a series of celebrities and commas. We suggest you read the following paragraph in the style of a) John "Micro Machines Man" Moschitta, Jr. or b) the awesome "Victor" scene (NSFW) from The Rules of Attraction. Here we go...

Recently, Craig Bierko, who starred in Scary Movie 4 as Tom Ryan, whose character was actually a spoof of Tom Cruise, star of Risky Business, went to the house of Carrie Fisher, who portrayed Princess Leia in the original Star Wars movies, to shoot the inaugural episode of Bathing with Bierko with John Malkovich, whose KGB ("Pay that man his money!") was beaten in poker by Mike McDermott (played by Matt Damon, whose first major movie role arrived via Mystic Pizza) in Rounders. Phew! Deep breath....

Bierko tells Vulture he and Malkovich quickly brewed a pot of coffee in Chez Leia, hopped in the tub and ended up with around an hour's worth of tape. "My idea behind this whole thing was, I wanted to take the false intimacy of a talk show...and turn the intimacy up as much as I could." The result is two minutes and 45 seconds of semi-nonsensical rambling about flamingos, Portugal and McDonald's. We're proud to direct your attention to it below:

Bierko claims that other celebrities have already asked him to be in future episodes of his new online talk show, and includes Gore Vidal and Jimmy Carter on his personal wish list. Tune in to SuperDeluxe.com for more, and we'll keep you posted if he somehow manages to top the Malkovich episode.

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