My Son Axl

Dear Beloved Fan,

As one of the 768 people who watched my son, Axl, play “Baby Beluga” on a toy guitar on YouTube (youtube.com/axlsdad), you are clearly a listener of discerning taste. I’m sure you’ll agree that he’s not like all those other two year olds mugging for the camcorder. The kid’s a future star. And I know that when he finishes his first album, you’ll be first in the line to buy it.

Of course, Axl’s at least a few years away from cutting a real record. And that’s why I’m writing you today. You’ve probably noticed that rock stardom has lost its glitz. The music biz is struggling, and fans are drifting away—even the big names now have to become accessible. It’s not enough to make an album: Whether they’re giving away demos or starring in raw midnight webcasts or releasing embarrassing behind-the-scenes footage, they want to get closer to you. I mean, have you seen Daryl Hall’s new Live from Daryl’s House webcast? He’s one of the biggest stars of the ’80s, and he’s letting cameras into his living room. You half expect to catch him singing “One on One” in the shower.

Axl’s not as big as Daryl Hall—yet. But that’s why I’m letting you in on this opportunity. If you register now and make a nominal monthly payment, you can track Axl’s career before it even starts. You won’t be some groupie-come-lately; you’ll follow him from the beginning.

Hear every tantrum. Watch him break every guitar. When he sings his “Pink Stinky” song over his oatmeal, I’ll catch as much as I can before his mom jams another spoonful in his mouth. When he’s old enough for school, you’ll see his first music classes and his private electric-guitar lessons. And the first time he slugs a kid in glee club, or tries to sneak a smoke by the playing field? I’ll be hanging around then, too, waiting to get the pic. For just $10 a month, all of this is yours.

Of course, we’re not just here to take your money. Every guitar string, every lesson—that’ll be paid for by your contributions. You won’t be a fan; you’ll be a patron. Maria Schneider funded her last album with fan contributions. But why chip in for a record when you can own a piece of a future legend’s career? (Don’t worry, though: Medici Circle members will still see their names in the liner notes—if you sign up by August 1.)

You’re probably wondering: How do we know Axl will be a rock star? What if he gets into prog? What if puberty wrecks his voice? What if it takes too long for him to hit the first love, the first heartbreak, the first drunken wreck and the last train to Memphis? Hell, I know what you’re thinking: what if he becomes a jock? I don’t know how to reassure you, except to say that if you can’t tell how much I believe in my son, we clearly don’t understand each other.

If it were Robert Plant, or Paul McCartney, you’d want to know what made him tick, wouldn’t you? And wouldn’t you pay just about anything to see clips of young Bobby Zimmerman picking his nose in math class, or even cute little baby Bowie getting his diaper changed? History has lost those moments. But this never has to happen again. If today’s fans need to get close to their heroes; if that relationship is the only thing that’ll keep them buying records, then I’m ready to give them what they want. I already know the joy of being Axl’s dad—and now I’m ready to share it with you.

And by the way, while you’re on our site? Be sure to check out the merch. Those “FUTURE GROUPIE” baby-tees ain’t gonna wear themselves.

Chris Dahlen is Paste’s former games editor.