We all should have figured out a way to postpone our graduation dates and transfer over to Broad Run High School, alma mater of Patton Oswalt, where the comedian recently delivered the graduation speech
On his website,
he talks about being introduced on stage by the class' 4.35 GPA-toting
Valedictorian ("That means she took extra classes in a PARALLEL
DIMENSION, and then found a way to have the credits count in this
one"), who then "shook hands with 2.71." He doesn't sweat it, though,
as evidenced by his at-times hilarious, at-times touching speech that
is all-times badass:
First off, I want to thank the teachers and faculty of Broad
Run High School for first considering and then inviting me to speak
here. It was flattering, I am touched and humbled, and you have made
a grave mistake.
I’m being paid for this, right? Oh, wait,
there’s some advice, right off the bat - always get paid. If you make
enough money in this world you can smoke pot all day and have people
I’m sorry, that was irresponsible.
You shouldn’t have people killed.
Boom! Marijuana endorsement eleven seconds into my speech! Too late to cancel me now!
So now I’m going to try to give all of you some advice as if I
contained fatherly wisdom, which I do not. I contain mostly caffeine,
Cheet-o dust, fear and scotch.
Now, hurry up and go read it
already! The only thing that could make this better is if we had the A/V
to go along with it. Calling all parents of Broad Run High '08
graduates...Related links:News: Comedians of Comedy ready to die in San Diego PattonOswalt.comPatton Oswalt on MySpaceGot news tips for Paste? E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.