Unglued: Only Played Once!

Trawling Amazon’s used CD listings, Paste noticed a startling trend. If the comments sections are to be trusted, incredible numbers of music fans are buying albums, playing them exactly one time, and then whisking them off to the land of eCommerce. To get to the bottom of this phenomenon, we embarked on a rigorous series of fake interviews with these hasty sellers, to find out why a certain album graced their CD player exactly once, and not a moment more.

***

Item: The Essential Kenny G by Kenny G
Seller: GUnitSoulja420
Comments: IN NEW CONDITION HAS BEEN PLAYED ONCE
The Story: “I’m down with G-Unit, nah mean? I rock G-Unit gear, drink G-Unit vitamin water, and brush my fronts with G-Unit toothpaste (that ain’t on the market, I just put some gunpowder in a tube of Crest and write “G-Unit” on it with a Sharpie). I got moms to put a G-Unit sticker on her Prius so I can rep G-Unit when she drops me off at the mall, and I’m planning on donating whatever’s left of my graduation money after Senior Beach Week to the G-Unity Foundation. I never heard of Kenny G but figured he was a new dude, Tony Yayo’s third cousin or something. I knew I’d effed up as soon as I saw the cover, but I played it once to make sure. Not gangsta.”

Item: Metal Machine Music by Lou Reed
Seller: classicrockfan6728283
Comments: SMALL CRACK IN JEWEL CASE - CD ONLY PLAYED ONCE!
The Story: “I’d always avoided this album, given its reputation, but after I’d tracked down every obscure Reed demo and b-side, I couldn’t stand having the hole in my collection. I mean, I’ve even held on to the limited-edition import of The Raven, an album that only Lou Reed could’ve made without killing his career forever and quite possibly being prosecuted as a war criminal. You’ve heard Metal Machine Music, right? And you still need me to explain why I only played it once? The crack in the jewel case is from when I threw it across the room. Thanks but no thanks, Lou. I’ll stick with the hole.”

Item: Human Animal by Wolf Eyes
Seller: indierockist2873
Comments: DISC IN EXCELLENT CONDITION. ONLY PLAYED ONE TIME.
The Story: “Well, I like a lot of bands with “wolf” in their names: Wolf Parade, Tiger Bear Wolf, Patrick Wolf. This band is on Sub Pop and referenced wolves, so I figured it might be right up my alley. I was taken aback when I put it on—there’s a guy holding a bass guitar in a photo I found online, but I didn’t hear much guitar. The first song—I use the word loosely - sounded like someone fumbling around a dark, cluttered storage shed, trying to find the light switch, until they went irrevocably mad, and then finding a clarinet at that precise moment. Honestly, I probably would’ve turned it off without playing the whole thing once, if I could have. But I have sound → color synesthesia, which means that certain kinds of sounds create certain kinds of colors for me. My vision went pitch black when I put this on, and I had to wait helplessly until it ended, so I could see to turn it off.

Item: In Rainbows by Radiohead
Seller: honestabe315
Comments: CD-R--No Liner Notes Or Cover Art--Disc Played One Time!!!
The Story: “Yeah buddy, I know that, and you know that. But there’s a sucker born every minute. In my defense, I did count burning the mp3s onto a disc as a “play.”