Top five stadium show lessons learned from Madonna @ United Center 10/28/08

Maybe your boyfriend wants to get his Rock Band on and see AC/DC at Allstate. Or maybe your girlfriend really, really, really wants to see Madonna at the United Center. Whatever the reason, you’ll eventually have to abandon the cozy confines of Schubas or the Empty Bottle for the dreaded venue of the indie rock faithful: a stadium show. But with the right mindset, you can make your arena experience survivable-- and maybe even enjoyable.

Here are our lessons learned from Madonna's Oct. 26 show at the United Center:

1. Enjoy the silence.
   Madge performed without any supporting acts on her Sticky And Sweet tour. And while some complained about waiting, say, an hour for the pop diva to take stage, just remember how many lousy supporting acts you’ve suffered through, like The Black Kids opening for Cut Copy at the Abbey earlier this year. (Nothing’s better than The Black Kids. Really. Nothing is actually better.) At the very least, you get to spend some quality time with your iPhone while you wait.
   
   
2. Appreciate familiar faces.
   Madge’s show featured Kanye, Timbaland, Pharrell, and Britney Spears-- via pre-recorded virtual versions projected as videos on her-larger-than-life-video-screen backdrops. While that might pale in comparison to the real-life stars, remember it’s their egos that provide the real swagger to “The Beat Goes On” and “Me Against The Music.” Though the crowd would’ve undoubtedly spontaneously combusted if Kanye came home to show the Material Girl some love, watching Madonna dance and sing against the highly produced video bits was funnier. And the two-story triple-screen was almost large enough to fit Kanye’s swelled head.
   
   
3. Learn to love domestic beer (and savor every sip).
   Lines at the sparse number of United Center bars that actually served non-Bud products were plentiful. Madonna-lovin' soccer moms queued en masse to overpay for lousy wine, pre-mixed mai tais, and other such nonsense, while the typical PBR/Miller High Life-swilling concertgoer happily settled for the $8.25 Budweiser upgrades. Sure, they were twice as expensive than at the typical rock show, but each drinker savored each sip as if he/she was about to begin a walkabout in the Australian Outback.
   
   
4. Embrace the riffs, and the rifts.
   Big guitar riffs should be expected at a stadium show, and Madonna was not immune to this rule: Even the Queen Of Pop donned a Stratocaster to strum during a power chord-laden rendition of “Borderline” and other classics. Granted, the net sonic effect was more Avril Lavigne meets Guitar Hero, but that didn’t stop Madonna fans from eating it up. However, the axe-wielding Madge also provided one of the most disappointing moments of the night. After declaring it “time to take requests,” she took one for “Beautiful Stranger.” She strummed a few chords and sang the opening few lines, before asking the audience to sing along since she couldn’t remember the words. Eventually, she gave up after the first chorus and resumed the heavily rehearsed stage show.
   
   
5. Drop the hipster B.S.
   It’s typical rock-snob philosophy to hate almost anything the general public might remotely enjoy, but let’s not forget our roots. After all, it’s highly doubtable your first concert was really the Pixies or Nirvana. Most likely, you convinced your folks to wait in the car outside after taking you to some local stadium while you caught a boy band, Top 40 pap, or even Rush with your pals during some middle school weekend. Admit it: it’s O.K. to enjoy the occasional cheesy jam. Rock those hips out and sway with the soccer mom next to you-- you might actually have fun. (Of course, that’s what we told ourselves as we joined Madge on “Get Into the Groove.”)