Published at 10:00 AM on July 7, 2009

By Walton Murphy

Paste Intern Watches 24 Straight Hours of MTV, Loses Mind

When Michael Jackson died, a strange thing happened: MTV rolled back its reruns of Pimp My Ride and actually began to play Michael Jackson videos. The man basically changed how we all view music videos, and his video memorial reminded us how glorious the golden days of music television were back when they actually played music (and we actually watched). After the tribute was over, we started wondering what runs during a normally scheduled day at MTV. So we thought we'd find out by watching for 24 hours straight.

At first, I was sure someone had done something similar. I seem to remember a college lecture where my Postmodern Literature professor talked about guy who locked himself up in a hotel for a week of TV watching and recorded the whole thing in writing. I later discovered that Chuck Klosterman wrote an article about watching VH1 Classic for 24 hours, but where his article focuses on 24 hours of music videos, I kinda wanted to see how little music is actually played on Music Television network.

I begin after a day of work and lay one simple ground rule: I can only leave the couch for food, drink and bathroom.  

8:00 p.m. — 16 & Pregnant
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to attend prom while bearing child, this is the show for you. The show emphasizes two things: 1. High school is a terrible, terrible place that I never want to experience again 2. I never want to be pregnant, even though it would take some freak scientific phenomenon on par with Schwarzenegger in Junior for that to happen.

This episode sees Amber and Gary as they ready for the birth of their baby girl, and I feel a little dirty watching it. I’d like to think that this program was made to educate viewers, but it feels like it's just scaring the living shit out of everyone while glorifying the potential monetary gains of teen pregnancy.

Amber and Gary’s midwife passes along tidbits of knowledge, like what an epidural is and what induced labor means. Death Cab For Cutie provides the soundtrack for Gary’s proposal and Feist’s “I Feel It All” is (accurately) played during the labor.

I come away from the program remembering the midwife’s comparison: “Pushing a baby out is a lot like pushing a poop out.”

9:00 p.m. — Another episode of 16 & Pregnant, with Ryan and Maci.

Maci divulges that she broke the news of her pregnancy to her mom in a text message—a sign of the apocalypse? 

9:14 p.m. — 16 & Pregnant has its own Rhapsody station. I barely catch this as a little tag at the bottom of the screen informs me that Coco B’s “Bluebird” is playing. Well, kind of playing. To say music is featured on this program is a generous statement. Songs play for roughly 20 seconds and are hardly a focal point. Music is to MTV as Mike Gravel was to the presidential debate series. They're both there, but you don't pay much attention.
   
9:56 p.m. — Ryan is getting a tattoo when Death Cab’s “Brothers On A Hotel Bed,” comes on. Music videos have been subsisted for background music to construct some sort of mood in reality television. 

An emo band called All Time Low serenades me on a sandy beach while the credits roll. I pray for no more 16 & Pregnant.

10:00 p.m. — 16 & Pregnant
Sigh. During the first commercial break, an ad for Rhapsody comes on with Rob Thomas walking in slow motion through a stampede featuring a fire breather, a giant green bear, a yodeler and an angel. It’s too early to be hallucinating. “Rhapsody. Music without limits,” the announcer says.

Sorry Rhapsody, my music has a few limitations, one of which is Rob Thomas.

10:37 p.m. — I take a break to make a quesadilla. I come back just in time for the labor and a glimpse at the umbilical cord. I no longer want to eat my quesadilla.

11:00 p.m. — 16 & Pregnant
It's a rerun of Ebony and Josh, and I pick up a lot more of the show's essential minutia this time around. Both Ebony and Josh come from military backgrounds and want to join the air force after graduation. Josh’s parents are very protective and make him ask permission to stay over at Ebony’s.

11:19 p.m. — A clip for Lady Ga Ga’s “Love Game” heralds the show. Ga Ga’s lyrics,"Let’s have some fun, this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick” seem ill-fitting to welcome back a show revolving around teen pregnancy.

11:39 p.m. — During labor, a song comes on that I find vaguely intriguing. I miss the name of the artist and song so I write down what I think are the words. Then I Google “free roam make it home in my head lyrics,” but for some reason I don’t think “Wherever I May Roam” by Metallica is the song.

11:43 p.m. — I discover Perez Hilton pees 18 times a day during a cryptic ad for GYT. I think it’s an advocacy group for STD testing. Thanks Perez, I’ve never read your website, but I already know way more about you than I care to.

All Time Low rounds out the credits as I happily discover my tour de 16 & Pregnant is ending.

12:00 a.m. — Is She Really Going Out With Him
Yay, a new show! The name pretty much sums it up. Thirty minutes of tools sporting Ed Hardy shirts, greased muscles and Oompa Loompa tans while girlfriends ruminate on the pros and cons of their relationship. 

In this episode we meet jobless Blake, whose girlfriend Michelle provides for his every need, while Blake “chills” with his “entourage,” while referring to a certain body part as his “baby arm.” Michelle’s critique of his television veg-outs make me a little insecure. I listen to "Man In the Mirror" as I long for old MTV.

12:30 a.m. — DJ & the Fro
There seems to be a whole genre of cartoons that air late at night and are geared toward an audience that is either A) really stoned B) really drunk or C) a combination of the two.  Unfortunately, neither Redman or Method Man could make this show interesting, and the red-headed character with the afro reminds me of Carrot Top. I zone out while trying to drum up a list of illustrious careers in red-headed comedy:

1. Conan O’Brien
2. Lucille Ball was funny back in the day.
3. Wasn’t Janeane Garofalo a red head at one point?
4. Doesn't Zach Galifianakis have a red beard?
5. Ummm Kathy Griffin?

I want Beavis and Butt-Head.

1:00 a.m. — Silent Library
I'm intrigued by this show because of the sheer fact that the title contains two words that are not commonly associated with MTV programming.

I'm disappointed to discover, however, that Silent Library is a bastardized version of Jackass and Fear Factor, in which six contestants try to make as little noise as possible while undergoing ridiculous tasks, like eating rank objects and withstanding a wedgie levitation device. Where the previous shows sprinkled All American Rejects instrumental snippets, Silent Library only contains the goofy snickers of these buffoons and an occasional gong splash.

Green Day plays as the credits ascend and I noticed that they've joined the Rock Band alliance. I try to think of ridiculous artists that could get the Rock Band treatment. I can only think of G.G. Allin before I'm greeted by the next show.

1:30 a.m. — The X Effect
MTV's version of the Garden of Eden, in which an ex-couple spends a weekend lounged in a romantic getaway. The hook is that their current partners are spying on them the whole time in a number of different ways—touch sensors to show when the two embrace, time limit video feeds and a GPS layout of the ex's honeymoon suite. Basically all the gadgets that would get Donald Rumsfeld in the mood.

2:00 a.m. — 16 & Pregnant
Good old Ebony and Josh are back. My contacts are starting to dry out and I can recite the some of the lines before they happen. I'm happy to see a Twitter feed has begun to run at the bottom of the screen, and various belated Michael Jackson mini-eulogies somewhat hold my attention.

Kim Kardashian: "I'm looking at pictures of my 14th bday party at Neverland Ranch, these memories will last forever!"

Diddy: "Michael Jackson showed me that you can actually see the beat. He made the music come to life!! He made me believe in magic. I will miss him!"

One Twitterer says, "I know the President has other priorities in the White House but don't you kind of want him to say something about MJ?"

3:00 a.m. — AMTV
In case you were wondering, music on MTV starts at three in the morning. This morning they're premiering Drake's "Best I Ever Had," and features the only credential for modern rap videos: Video vixens performing any task in slow motion. In Drake's case, they're attempting to play basketball.



3:06 a.m. — Jonas Brothers, "Paranoid"
But Daniel Johnston made paranoid delusions sound so bad.


    
3:10 a.m. — Kristinia DeBarge, "Goodbye"
When the Beats' portrayal of Venice Beach gets old there's always Kristinia DeBarge to lighten the mood. Sidenote: Staring at the sun for extended periods leads to blindness.




3:19 - 3:30 a.m.
A Taylor Swift video comes on followed by the same Drake, and I'm beginning to understand how Alex feels in A Clockwork Orange.

3:36 a.m. — Madonna, "Vogue"
A throwback to 1990, yet it still seems cinematic and sexy. Directed by David Fincher, the video was said to be influenced by Horst's photography. Looking back, it's amazing how videos have evolved, and when sided together, newer videos seem to lack a certain artistic statement. 

3:48 a.m. — Jamie Foxx, "Blame It"
"Alright y'all who invited Ron?"



3:57 a.m. — Jane's Addiction, "Been Caught Stealing"
I could never tell if the cross dresser in this video was Perry Farrell. I don't think it is, but if anyone can pull of cross dressing it's Perry Farrell.

4:00 a.m. — There have been some good videos and some terrible videos in the last hour, but it's gone by a lot faster than The X Effect simply because there's something exciting about blind anticipation. Watching AMTV is a lot like buying a pack of baseball cards, for every eight Jay Buhners you get, one gem like Ken Griffey Jr. will come along.

My next music video diamond comes at 4:20 a.m. with Justice's "D.A.N.C.E." —
 I've seen this video before, but forgot how much I love it. The video shows the two members of Justice as they're walking backstage towards the audience (maybe the longest backstage area since Spinal Tap). During their jaunt, various illustrations and animations appear on their t-shirts.



It's 4:30 in the morning and I'm pondering MTV's business strategy. Wouldn't it be more cost effective to show music videos 24/7 and not pay fools like Jesse Camp?

4:37 a.m. — Lady Ga Ga, "Love Game"
I feel awkward while watching Ga Ga twirl a wizard's staff.    

5:01 a.m. — Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Under the Bridge"
You know a video is a classic when you can immediately identify it within the opening seconds. I used to think John Frusciante's toboggan looked so cool.

6:00 a.m. — True Life: I'm Bisexual
I don't know how you like to start your day, but nothing wakes me up like a cup of coffee and a documentary series following the lives of three adults struggling find intimate partners from both sexes.

7:00 a.m. — True Life: I Don't Like My Large Breasts
The sun is coming up and the sky is a blueish purple. I can't wait for my married roommates to come down and catch me watching three women explain their woes on large breasts. I'm starting to hit the wall and feel a little sick.

9:11 a.m. — A roommate wakes me as he comes down to start his day. I must have dozed off, but see that True Life is still on. I'm discombobulated and don't understand how I exist in a vacuum that stops and starts MTV whenever I am conscious. Feeling like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. 

11:45 a.m. — I dream of an unplanned pregnancy and SATs scores never fully realized, but can't quite remember as I wake mid-REM to the sound of a baby crying. I'm greeted by my nightmare: another episode of 16 & Pregnant

I look at my notes and MTV's programming schedule and gather that I've slept through True Life: I'm In Debt and Degrassi: The Next Generation. I'm actually a little relieved that I've missed Degrassi. I've already gotten my fill of Drake today.

12:00 p.m. — Run's House
A show revolving around the lives of Joseph Simmons (Rev. Run from Run-DMC) and his family. The program features the most grounded of reality sitcom families—admittedly, not hard when you're in the company of Ozzy Osbourne and Hulk Hogan.

"Weed makes you slow and stupid," Uncle Russell Simmons advises his nephew. "It's not helpful. You smoke weed your rhymes is slow."

I guess I kind of understand wanting to see one your favorite performers uncut. But how many people who watch Run's House actually listen to Run-DMC? I'd be willing to bet the average MTV viewer wasn't even alive when it was cool to wear your Adidas unlaced.

12:30 p.m. — Tim Kash brings an MTV News update that a memorial for Michael Jackson has been set for Tuesday July 7 at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. I miss Kurt Loder. There was something about his monotone inflection that made viewers trust him and musicians open up to him.

Probably the best part of Run's House is the end when Rev sits in his hot tub and texts inspirational messages to his fanclub and Twitter followers. “To find happiness, follow your bliss,” he advises in my last last episode of Run's House.

2:00 p.m. — The Real World
I'm beginning to hate my life right now. If you believe that "Pop will eat itself," then MTV is the regurgitation. Real World Cancun  is proof of that. We all know the basics of the show: "Six strangers, picked to live in a house and have their lives taped," yadda, yadda, yadda. The main argument against the show is that characters don't act like they would in the actual real world because it would make for horrible television.

3:00 p.m. — Teen Cribs
I hated the movie Richie Rich, but this torturous 30 minutes is worse because A) Actual people find it absolutely necessary to have a 2,000 pound hand-carved solid marble tub in their bathroom, along with a massage parlor and B) I've eaten quesadillas for dinner, breakfast and lunch—and it's not because my chef is on vacation.

3:30 p.m. — 16 & Pregnant
I'm tired and no longer feel the urge to deconstruct this garbage. I also desperately need a shower. 

4:30 p.m. — Is She Really Going Out With Him
It's a rerun of Blake and Michelle. Michelle teaches me that being in a relationship is totally "about communication and trust."

5:00 p.m. — Is She Really Going Out With Him
Erica and Max began their relationship after they met in a club. Max shaves his chest. 

5:30 p.m. — Silent Library
During this episode, I watch these goobers try to contain themselves while they withstand the odor of cow dung for 30 seconds, play monkey-in-the-middle against a WNBA player and a little person armed with a stun gun, and race a goat to eat a pot of flowers.

6:00 p.m. — Is She Really Going Out With Him 
I don't bother writing down this guy's name, but I'm pretty sure he was featured in the video "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)."

6:30 p.m. — Is She Really Going Out With Him
Pleeeease, no more Axe Body Spray.

7:00 p.m. — 16 & Pregnant
I'm back to where I started with Amber and Gary. I've stopped taking notes on the music playing, and I don't care what the characters are telling me. I'm like toddler playing "airplane," devouring whatever MTV is feeding me.

I don't bother to watch the credits. MTV has won. My brain is zapped and I can't quite comprehend what saw and why I decided to see it. Michael Jackson is dead. The MTV he helped create is barely recognizable. And I feel like the cable network just gave me a lobotomy.

5 Comments

Click to leave a comment.

Most Read

Most Commented

Most Listened

Most Watched