Modern Family Review:
"Fears" (1.16)

There are few things that irritate me so much as high-concept filmmaking, which means that the introductions at the beginning of most episodes of Modern Family usually serve to do little more than irritate me. Not only do they tell you that the episodes themselves are going to be high-concept, they also spell out for you what the theme we're going to be dealing with is in case you're too stupid to figure it out on your own. While not exactly the same thing as "it's a movie where dinosaurs come back to life," it's easy to see that the pitch for the episode "Fears" was equally trite, as it really does reduce down to "every part of the family deals with different fears."

This is lazy writing, but that doesn't necessarily mean that an episode that begins this way will be bad. Some previous Modern Family episodes have managed to pull off decent plotlines despite adhering far too much to a big, reductionist theme. Unfortunately, this wasn't one of them, which was caused by my second least-favorite trait of the show, multiple plots that don't intersect. "Fears" has four different stories for us to follow, but other than a brief introduction sequence at the Dunphy house, none of them ever intersect, leaving us with four five-minute short films that are cross-cut for no particular reason. Fragmenting the show this way has been a problem for Modern Family for almost its entire run, but no episode has taken it to as much of an extreme as this one, and the lack of intersection strikes me as lazy writing as well.

Still, I can't complain too much, as much of the episode was still funny. Hell, one of the plotlines even involves Manny in full-on fishing gear, which isn't a good plot but is as close as this episode gets to one and something that the show could definitely use more of. Manny's fear, which must be conquered by the end of the episode, as decrees the law of cliched sit-com writing, is roller coasters, so Gloria tricks him into going to one by telling him and her husband that they're going on a fishing trip. Instead, they arrive at a fair, and she insults Manny until he goes on the rollercoaster. Turns out that Jay is also afraid of rollercoasters, and the same thing works on him. Of course, in actuality they love rollercoasters when they try one, surprise surprise.

Unfortunately, this super-quick problem-solution plotting is the same for several of the episode’s other stories. Phil and Luke want to check out a “collection” in the crawlspace, but Phil is afraid of it until he’s forced to go in because Luke is stuck. Once there, he’s not afraid at all … at least of the space itself; what they find down there is an entirely different matter. Likewise, Alex bashes on dances because she’s afraid she won’t be asked out. She’s happy when there, but alongside the same quick-fix resolution as the episode’s other problems this one has the irritating “mother knows you better than you know yourself” thing going on that’s always brought into hacky writing. Why did Alex need to go to the dance? Maybe she just doesn’t like them. It’s not like middle-school dances are anything you’re really missing out on if you decide not to attend.

A bit more interesting than these largely copy and repeat stories is what’s happening with Mitchell, Cameron and Lily. In order to suck up to their pediatrician, Cameron invites her over for a meal. Unfortunately, the pair's greatest fear is realized when Lily speaks her first word to her and the word happens to be "mommy." They go through a bit of a panic attack, but she consoles them by saying that they're in fact good parents before a joke that turns her into a stereotype, even if it claims to not be doing so. I'm sorry, but saying that you're not making someone into a stereotype doesn't excuse doing so.

Lastly, there's Haley dealing with her fear of her driving instructor, a fear which I should add is well justified considering that she's an absolutely terrible driver. She doesn't really overcome her fear so much as she does break down and cry until he reassures her that he doesn't in fact hate her, just her terrible, terrible driving. He let's her pass despite herself, and the world is a worse place for it.

Each of these stories is so rapid-fire that they really just don't have the space to develop into anything more interesting. Four plotlines really is too short for 20-minutes, and the result is anything but satisfying. But despite my irritation with the show's laziness and repetition, there's a decent amount of funny moments, so on that count the episode's quality doesn't drop too much. It wasn't so funny that you forget what was even going on like golden-age Simpsons or Arrested Development, but it was almost funny enough to justify watching despite the many other flaws. But not quite. "Fears" is the worst episode of Modern Family so far, let's hope it's not a sign of things to come.

Stray Observations:
"Ignore her, she can't focus on two things at once."
-That Phil and his Luke are largely the same person, just with different ages, is pretty well emphasized in this episode. Can't say it's at all wrong. Still, for the most part Luke kinda outsmarts his dad here.
"ha ha ha ha, pants." - ha ha ha ha, pants
"Take it down a notch, we're just trying to make a friend, not initiate a three-way."
"He comes from a long line of fisher-men and smugglers, but I encourage the fishing."
"You were afraid to light the barbeque, but now your eyebrows have grown back and your salmon is legendary."
"I'm not man enough to fight this. Here, hold my purse."
"Oh my God, you and dad together suddenly makes so much sense."
"You remind me of my daughter. Which is why I want you to live a long and healthy life...and not hit my daughter!"