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Unglued: Bands You Can't Google

August 9, 2010  |  8:45am
Unglued: Bands You Can't Google

Rumor has it that early-’00s rap-rock ensemble Linkin Park chose to spell its name all funny-like for a simple reason: Someone had already grabbed LincolnPark.com, so the band went with pre-K phonetics and created the world’s first known fusion of search engine optimization and gloppy nu-metal. Regrettably, thousands more were to come.

If you’re going to get noticed online, you need to snag the teeny attention spans of potential new fans while staying accessible to old ones. Many bands address this problem with unconventional, eccentric or exceedingly dopey names like Them Crooked Vultures, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah or Taylor Swift. Yet plenty more clearly did not get the memo, because no one gets memos anymore, because they’re all online stealing music. For instance, I recently received a PR pitch from a band called One. A Google search for this band turns up, in order: 1) a group fighting AIDS and poverty, 2) the integer before two and 3) coconut water, which was delicious, but my point remains.

Here are a few other bands bafflingly difficult to Google:

Television: Tom Verlaine’s proto-punk band formed in New York City in 1973 where holy crap are you kidding me $850 for a 40” Samsung? NICE!

Final Fantasy: Canadian violinist Owen Pallett initially named his solo project after a convoluted role-playing game with 4,500 editions, which was a good move since gamers never have their own Web sites. But in December, Pallett announced he was “voluntarily” retiring the name to pursue his longtime dream of getting his own web traffic.

Cinderella: One wrong click and suddenly you’re on a page full of ornate period costumes, soaring magical anthems and fabulous hairstyles. There are also some sites about the Disney movie.

Health: A name that needs care, and also reform.

The Game: Are you a rapper who wants people to follow your weird abusive-father relationship with Dr. Dre? Make it so all they have to do is go to Google News, type “Game” and then click through 25,000 pages and you’re all set.

Love: Despite what those ads tell you, it’s terribly hard to find this online.

The xx: You’re just one keystroke away from never being able to return to the public library.

Girls: The only scenario in which searching for girls online is actually difficult. (See also: Barenaked Ladies.)

!!!: Turns out, Google only searches for keywords, not key punctuation marks. That’s probably why no one uses the crappy site anyway.

fun.: Not.

The Band: Really? The Band? Could you have come up with something less electrifying, like Some Guys In A House? Good luck trying to get famous or record an album with a folk-rock icon or have your farewell concert shot by an iconic American filmmaker with that name, jerks.

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