Broken Out Of The Box: Bethesda's Non-Fallout Consumer Products

Capitalizing on the commercial success of Fallout: New Vegas, Bethesda Softworks and Obsidian Entertainment have jointly launched a new line of consumer goods, extending their reach into big-box sectors beyond interactive entertainment, from housewares to automotive. Read on for our totally uncompromising consumer reports upon Bethesda/Obsidian’s Spring 2011 non-gaming line.

The Gecko 4-Slice Toaster

Rating: 4 ½ stars

Pros: This compact countertop model features a sleek brushed-chrome finish, and the extra-wide slots are perfect for bagels. Even the thickest bread toasts to a golden brown in 2 minutes. With the removable crumb tray, the Gecko is easy to clean, making it an ideal option for hectic family mornings.

Cons: Thinner slices of bread may tilt to the side, causing slightly uneven browning. Furthermore, the toast will sometimes slip down and become inextricably mangled in the heating elements, in which case you’ll just have to start over with a new piece of bread.

The Red Rock Canyon 26” Mountain Bike
(Basic/Deluxe Retail: $99.99/$149.99)

Rating: 5 stars

Pros: This durable and stylish mountain bike boasts a lightweight steel frame in black or red, front and rear caliper brakes, and 15 thumb-shifted gears. In our field tests, we had more fun with the Red Rock than any of its competitors. The deluxe model comes with bells and whistles like a halogen lamp, a water bottle, and a teleportation device.

Cons: The Red Rock occasionally gets stuck in a low gear, but getting on and off the bike several times will usually correct the problem. Also, at random intervals, the bike will flaunt the laws of physics and start to wildly fly around like a punctured balloon, perhaps owing to its super-light frame.

Dinky the Helper Robot
(Retail: $299.99)

Rating: 4 stars

Pros: We’re still far from The Jetsons, but domestic robot technology has gotten sophisticated enough that the affordable Dinky model is more than a curiosity. Standing three feet high and moving on quiet rubberized treads, Dinky responds to voice commands that control his direction and his prehensile arm, which can open doors, grasp beverages, pick up clothes from the floor, and much more. Dinky’s optical array allows him to recognize and personally greet you.

Cons: Dinky tends to get stuck in corners and under stairs. Also, if you wear the wrong color hat, he may try to kill you. The developers will soon issue a microchip that will allegedly fix the first issue, although apparently, Dinky’s murderous rages were intentionally programmed to occur.

The "Vault" Sports Utility Vehicle
(Retail: $50,000)

Rating: 4 stars

Pros: This fully-loaded SUV comes with all the amenities the discerning motorist has come to expect, from leather upholstery and rear-view digital camera to onboard GPS. Its profile is imposing but sleek, and the titanium alloy rims are a striking touch. The gas mileage is predictably abysmal, but for our money, the Vault is the best-looking SUV on the road, not to mention a blast to drive.

Cons: Sometimes, while bombing down the highway, the Vault will abruptly seize up and skid to a halt. But not to worry—simply take out the key and then restart the car. On rare occasions, the Vault will continue to malfunction every time it is restarted, and on very rare occasions, the ignition slot will vanish, in which case you must abandon the Vault wherever it chose to stop and walk away.

[Wondering how these otherwise superior products made it to the market with so many bizarre defects, we went to solicit a response from the Bethesda/Obsidian QA team. On the door of what appeared to be a small janitor’s closet at the company’s  headquarters, we found handwritten sign that read “Quality Ashurance,” with a backwards “Q.” Behind that door, a Fallout avatar ran in circles on a screen beside one of those bobbing “drinking bird” toys, which declined to answer any of our questions.]