The two-hour, optimistically labelled “season finale” of Hostages was, in the end, really just the show moving through a checklist to wrap up plot points. The show has always been all plot and no character development. (For example, the President is evil because viewers were told he was evil not because we actually ever saw him do anything nefarious.)
So in the end, the President got his comeuppance. Murdered, we are led to assume, by his wife and sister-in-law. Again we are told the President killed his brother-in-law to ensure his own political ambitions. But viewers saw nothing that supported that accusation.
Duncan turned himself in. Archer and Col. Blair are killed. Ellen didn’t kill the President and successfully retrieved the President’s bone marrow. Duncan’s wife agreed to be saved by said bone marrow. (What hospital is it exactly where you can walk in with your own, unidentified bone marrow in a cooler?) Ellen, Brian, Morgan and Jake are off to start a new life in a new location under new, assumed identities and are somehow happy about that. (Maybe now Ellen will finally find the time to get her bangs trimmed.) Oh, and Sandrine and Kramer, which the show believes to be some great star-crossed romance, are reunited and run off together.
So one last time, let’s run through the most preposterous things that happened during the season finale:
1. Ellen and Brian still make their bed. I sometimes don’t make my bed when I get up late. But they are being held hostage and are caught up in a conspiracy to kill the President, but hey, why not fluff those pillows? Martha Stewart would be so proud.
2. Morgan forgives her father for having an affair. Not only that, she’s long known about the affair and had no problem with it. “You made a mistake. That doesn’t mean you let us down,” she tells her father.
3. The First Lady quickly and easily believes Ellen’s stories about the President. Well, they should have just gone to her in the first place and wrapped up this show in the first episode.
4. Duncan and Ellen have a heartfelt, teary goodbye. “You got through this entire thing without losing yourself. Wish I could say the same,” he tells her before dramatically kissing her on the cheek.
5. The Sanders’ dog is still alive! Just before the Sanders are about to take off for their new lives, the family’s beloved dog returns. It’s like a Disney movie. If they had all started singing “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” at that exact moment, it would have been perfect.