You’ve probably heard by now that awful cable giant Comcast has acquired awful cable giant Time Warner for the tidy sum of $45.2 billion. I’m not going to pretend to have all the answers about what this means for the average cable customer, but I can safely say this: Within two months, all of us will be paying $800 per month for cable television, which will now just be Karl Rove shouting at us in a “horror loop” on every station (except ESPN, which will be Karl Rove figure skating in really inappropriate outfits), and Internet service will be incredibly slow unless you’re on the “CEO plan” (only available to actual CEOs and Karl Rove).
If you’re caught complaining about it, Comcast/Time Warner will be legally allowed to remove a vital organ in front of your family and air it live as Karl Rove laughs maniacally. And you will be caught, because now recording devices will be implanted in everyone’s trachea, and Karl Rove is always listening. Also, as a last thing, you now have to request written permission to fall in love, and all babies have to be named after high-ranking Comcast executives or Karl Rove.
So it’s not great. It’s kind of a nightmare, actually, and I caught myself wondering if I could even imagine 10 worse scenarios. I accepted my own challenge, and here they are, for your consideration: Ten acquisitions worse than Comcast/Time Warner, along with commentary from .
1. Enron Acquires the Red Cross
Overnight, the Red Cross goes from a disaster relief organization to a group of Enron foot soldiers who travel around California setting off wildfires so the energy giant can profit by jacking up prices. (This acquisition assumes that Enron never bankrupted itself due to evil.)
2. Walmart Acquires the Likeness of Mother Teresa
I’m imagining commercials where supposedly “found footage” shows Mother Teresa helping out the lepers, and then she turns to the camera and says, “employee health insurance is overrated! Buy a gun at Walmart!”
3. Russia Acquires Bob Dylan
Putin makes him write anti-protest songs where he says the Chechen Invasion was cool and plutonium is a fair way to treat bothersome journalists and that the Sochi Olympics are a logistical triumph.
4. Jacksonville, Fla. Acquires New York City
The East Village becomes a massive Chuck E. Cheese’s and a dirty aquarium, or something.
5. Justin Bieber Acquires Wilco
Most of the band simply become caterers for Bieber’s entourage, but Jeff Tweedy is forced to wear silver go-go shorts and be the primary background dancer.
6. Turner Broadcasting Acquires Bleacher Report
Imagine, a site as awful and soulless as B/R being acquired by Turner and replacing a venerable institution like Sports Illustrated as CNN’s sports provider.
7. Shia LaBeouf Acquires Jonathan Franzen
Franzen’s next 100 novels are just word-for-word copies of old Hardy Boys mysteries.
8. Upworthy Acquires Actual Nuanced Human Emotions
We’re just constantly having our faith in humanity restored by shitty slam poets until we die of diabetes.
9. Morgan Freeman Acquires My Internet History
Look, I don’t want to try to explain myself to that dignified old man.
10. Satan Acquires God
Satan: “This is a great day for hell, and I’m really looking forward to making that new pope you all love so much light an orphanage on fire.”