We’re doing it again! The first GOP debate last month was a treasure trove of absolute nonsense, especially taken out of context. Last night, for the second debate on CNN, they actually increased the number of candidates from ten to 11, adding Carly Fiorina to the mix. Did this also increase the amount of sheer lunacy? You bet! So we’re increasing our content too, from a mere 20 quotes to 25.
The only sentence in the three hours that wasn’t an absolute delight, to me, came from John Kasich. “If I were sitting at home watching this back-and-forth,” he said, “I’d be inclined to turn it off!”
I completely disagree, Governor—I was riveted, and you couldn’t have stopped me from watching even if you built a massive wall in front of my TV.
So let’s count down the 25 funniest quotes, presented completely out of context, from the 11 candidates attempting to shame themselves the least. I’d also like to note that there was so much excellent content that I left off sentences like, “I’d go with duck hunter,” “I’m a very militaristic person,” and “this is not an act of love.”
We begin in the realm of pop culture, circa 1964:
25. Cousin Itt and Wednesday Got Screwed
Chris Christie, Governor from New Jersey:
“I think the Adams family has been shorted in the currency business.”
24. Nepotism
Dana Bash, CNN Moderator:
“If my wife were from Mexico, I think I would have a soft spot for people from Mexico.”
23. Outrage!
Mike Huckabee, Former Governor from Arkansas:
“We made accommodation to the Fort Hood shooter to let him grow a beard.”
22. Politics is Confusing
Donald Trump, Businessman:
“He was giving me name after name. Arab name, Arab name, Arab name…I think he was reading them off a sheet.”
21. Interesting Theories
Chris Christie, Governor from New Jersey:
“It could’ve been hacked by…two 18-year-olds on a toot wanting to have some fun.”
20. You Can’t Argue the Facts
Marco Rubio, Senator from Florida:
“The only people that follow the law are law-abiding people.”
19. Or Can You?
Rubio, again:
“40% of the people who come here illegally come legally.”
18. Passion Shines Through
Scott Walker, Governor from Wisconsin:
“Harley! I love riding Harleys!”
17. Financial Reform
Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas:
“Who else could possibly be on that money, other than my wife?”
16. Obama Has Crossed the Line This Time
Chris Christie, Governor from New Jersey:
“You know who’s not successful? The middle class of this country, who’s getting plowed over by Barack Obama.”
15. Our Nation’s Suffering Youth
Donald Trump, Businessman:
“It looks like it’s meant for a horse, not a child.”
14. Men Who Know Their Limits
Mike Huckabee, former Governor from Arkansas:
“You don’t want me operating on you, I assure you.”
13. Lyrics for Goth Metal Music
Jeb Bush, governor from Florida:
“We’re living in a society today where despair kinda grows in isolation.”
12. Fun Activities Before Nap Time
Rand Paul, Senator from Kentucky:
“If you want to read a story, it’s called ‘The Speckled Monster.’ It’s an amazing story.”
11. Radical Ideas in Agriculture
Carly Fiorina, business person:
“We have to keep it alive to harvest its brain!”
10. High Praise, Part 1
Donald Trump, businessman:
“I think she’s got a beautiful face, and I think she’s a beautiful woman.”
9. Depths of Knowledge
Carly Fiorina, business person:
“I know that flying is an activity, it is not an accomplishment.”
8. Government Blockage
Marco Rubio, Senator from Florida:
“The federal government does all kinds of things it shouldn’t be doing. It regulates bathrooms.”
7. Long Memories
Jeb Bush, Governor from Florida:
“40 Years ago I smoked marijuana, and I admit it….my mom’s not happy.”
6. Overcoming Great Odds
Marco Rubio, Senator from Florida:
“He became a conservative, even though he got his news in Spanish.”
5. A Vague Sense of Peril
Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas:
“The most dangerous person in any room is the person who doesn’t know what he doesn’t know.”
4. Geography
Marco Rubio, Senator from Florida:
“America is not a planet!”
3. High Praise, Part 2
Donald Trump, businessman:
“I have to tell you, I hear phenomenal things. I hear your wife is a lovely woman.”
2. Cause and Effect
Ben Carson, neurosurgeon:
“After we turn off the spigot that dispenses all the goodies…then they become illegal.”
1. The Ultimate Hilarity
Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas:
“We’ve all done great things, or we wouldn’t be on this stage.”