TV  |  News

Learn How To Be Like Archer

January 9, 2012  |  4:52pm
Learn How To Be Like <i>Archer</i>

FX series Archer now wants to teach you how to be your favorite spy. How To Archer: The Ultimate Guide to Espionage and Style and Women and Also Cocktails Ever Written is broken up into six sections that will help make you be more like Archer—as if being as cool as him is even possible.

Here’s some direct advice (more of which you can win here) from Sterling Archer himself.

How To Spy
Under the subsection “Other Vehicles” Archer discusses snowmobiles: “Kinda redneck…However, like most other things rednecks love (moonshine, tractor pulls, anal sex, boar hunting), snowmobiles are pretty dang fun.”

How To Drink
On the Bloody Mary: “A fitting way to start the cocktail section in earnest, as this is generally the way I start my day: in earnest. Packed with the vitamins and minerals I need to make it through a strenuous day of secret agenting, plus plenty of vodka (which I just want), the Bloody is the cornerstone upon which Woodhouse builds my sumptuous breakfasts.”

How To Style
After claiming that this section could be a book onto itself, Archer demands, “Look down. What do you see? I am hoping – against all hope – that you see a necktie. If you do not, please put this book down and get back to work.”

How To Dine
Sometimes Archer eats in. “But I never – ever – eat lunch at home.” And neither should you.

How To Women
He provides field-tested pickup lines in several of the world’s sexiest languages. Dutch: “Ik ben een geheim agent. Wil je seks met mij?” Swahili: “Mimi ni wakala wa siri. Je, wewe kama kufanya mapenzi na mimi?”

How To Pay For It
He knows things are expensive and simply suggests you “Go find a better job.”

comments powered by Disqus
Load More