Spider-man 3 - The Great IM Chat

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On Friday, Paste took a field trip to North Dekalb Mall to see the highly anticipated Spider-man 3, in which Tobey Maguire bears a striking resemblence to one of our favorite cover boys. Below is a transcript of our office chat following the screening. Weighing in with their opinions on Spidey, Topher Grace’s hair, and that surfing penguin movie: Paste Publisher & Film Editor, Tim, as well as the business, web, and editorial teams… plus two interns who used the same AIM icon during the chat so that I couldn’t differentiate who said what (their contributions will be credited to “Unknown Intern"). Enjoy.

Caren: Today’s Chat: Spiderman 3
Nate: “Wicked cool!”
Caren: Initial thoughts? Please hold laughter until the end.
Val: My favorite part is when Peter Parker turns into Conor Oberst. and then puts on a suit and morphs into Carlos D
Caren: Who is Carlos D?
Val: Bassist from Interpol
Kate: my favorite part was....wait...it NEVER HAPPENED
Austin: from everything I’ve heard from ya’ll, it sucked. and I want to know why!
Kate: well, Austin, because spiderman 3 is the anti-awesome. Plus they did The Twist.
Austin: Wait, The Twist?
Unknown Intern: the twist is that even when majorly facially disfigured, james franco is still freakishly attractive
Kate: i find goth spiderman more attractive than JF
Austin: was Tobey Maguire as strangely awkward and dorky as he was on “The Daily Show” the other day? because that was uncomfortable
Tim: where was the bee gees music? that’s all that was missing for the sidewalk sceen
Caren: “Well you can tell by the way I use my walk, I’m a woman’s man… no time to talk...”
Tim: from now on, i’m going to dress in black, wear my collar up and do the two finger “hey babe” swagger
Kate: please no, Tim.
Tim: “it was so sex.”
Kate: Tim, I told you not to go near the spider goo!

Caren: The special effects were awesome—I can see why it cost an additional $100 million
Val: and that’s the reason to see movies like Spiderman, you don’t go to those for the dialogue, geez
Brian: dude they paid too much for those effects, i could have given them a fire sale and done them myself
Tim: these films always have a great moral to them. moral of this one: if you want to look less geeky, straighten your hair and let it hang in front of your eyes
Kate: and also wear the eyeliner.
Nate: bad-Petey told the girl next door (Ursula) to go make him some cookies with nuts....awesome
Austin: eyeliner is sos hot right now.
Caren: PS - Tim just turned on Bright Eyes music (back in our part of the office).
Austin: whatever it takes to get in the mood. The mood for… Spider-Man?
Caren: Who wants to make the mash-up for YouTube, set to “First Day of My Life”?
Brian: i hope there are deleted scenes where bad spider man is shopping at the Clinique counter at macy’s
Austin: Spider-Man: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT CLINIQUE BONUS TIME!?!”

Tim: lesson number two: pointy teeth and frosty highlights a no-no. even if your name is cool, like topher
Caren: Which is short for Christopher
Tim: don’t spoil the mystery Caren
Austin: SPOLIER ALERT
Kate: ooh good point delete that when transcribing. Since 4.5 million people read our blog.
Austin: oooh sick burn.
Brian: Venom could have used a mean manicure too.
Austin: Someone tell me what this “sand man” is all about…
Unknown Intern: Is sand man allergic to any kind of water, or just nasty, bottom-of-the-subway water? Because they could have just turned a hose on him.
Caren: was pissed that Columbia science student, Peter Parker, couldn’t figure out some super-fancy-molecular way to take care of the sand man
Kate: I am allergic to sandman.
Austin: will he bring me a dream??
Austin: I’m sorry….
Unknown Intern: Yes, a dream of forgiveness.
Brian: they could have wet him down and the lame kids in the street could have made sand castles out of him
Kate: aww, that’s nice Brian.
Brian: right before he re-materialized and destroyed them
Nate: “Wicked cool!”

Unknown Intern: i never understood how the sand was burning, either
Caren: Mary Jane: “Oh no! My butter is burning!”
Kate: (and right after they did the.twist.)
Austin: but seriously, what did the sand man do to hurt people? rub himself in their eyes?
Brian: the sand wasn’t burning, it was turning into glass
Tim: geez. pay attention
Val: a Heart of Glass
Austin: THAT’S NOT BELIEVABLE AT ALL. stupid movies. that’s why i write
Caren: And a man getting bit by a spider and taking on its properties is?
Kate: he just turned into a big sand cloud and stormed down walls and stuff. (yawn)
Unknown Intern: then he cried!!!
Austin: crying always gets ‘em
Tim: i really had to contain myself at the tobey crying scenes
Caren: Ok kids, there had to have been SOME good parts. The soundtrack?
Val: I already told you, man. my favorite part is when Peter Parker turns into Conor Oberst
Unknown Intern: i liked that old man
Austin: old joke!
Brian: the theater was pretty ghetteaux too
Kate: my pet peeve Brian! spelling things wrong to be cute
Brian: Kate, don’t make me paint a picture of myself and have it start talking to you to avenge it
Kate: well, talking portraits is my second pet peeve
Brian: there was plenty of that in SM3
Nate: only cool part was the Stan Lee cameo when he through out his trademark “Nuff Said”
Caren: who else had the cameo? Nate, that guy we met?
Val: Bruce Campbell. he was pretty funny
Austin: Bruce Campbell rules. did he use his giant chin to kill people?
Tim: Discuss:

Kate: gag!
Brian: i <3 that jacket
Austin: ew @ that hair
Brian: btw, i love the analog sounds they used on the digital cameras he was taking photos with in the movie
Caren: he was SUPPOSED to be a toolbox, people. He looked the part!
Austin: fair enough.
Tim: and this:

Tim: when i’m not doing the “hey there” strut, i’m going to hold my shirt open like this
Unknown Intern: emosuit!
Kate: sexy spidey!
Brian: it’s saying, “there’s a party in here, and maybe you’re on the guest list”

(Laughter across the office)

Tim: I hope no one heard me snort.
Nate: Oh, did anyone else here the dude in theater say “Peter Parker is gangsta!” when bad-Petey punched MJ in the face
Austin: did you guys yell out anything cool?
Kate: i did. i yelled “shoot me now”
Unknown Intern: no but this other astute fellow in the theatre kept pointing out every instance where mj is/was a slut
Nate: yeah, i heard that
Brian: Kate vomited in my lap a few times
Kate: sorry Brian
Austin: how rude, Kate

Tim: btw, how stupid do you have to be to kiss someone in public, in front of your girlfriend, with a special “one-of-a-kind” kiss hours before you’re going to propose? bonehead
Caren: he is SO immature
Unknown Intern: i’m confused about why they talk about him being spiderman so loudly in public when no one’s supposed to know
Tim: and “i love you. i love you so much.” did raimi go to the george lucas school of love dialog?
Nate: Lowell from Wings looked just like Sandman, though
Tim: he’s been workign out
Unknown Intern: he had his top teeth removed also
Kate: i liked the part where his friend on the skateboard said “hey spiderman put on your wetsuit, hop on my skateboard and let’s go make a crappy movie together!”
Tim: the back to the future scene
Tim: sorry, back to the future part 2
Tim: I was the film editor.
Caren: Marty McFly looks nothing like conor oberst
Austin: how was the ending?
Kate: l-a-m-e
Austin: was it obvious that there will be six more sequels?
Kate: yeah but it will go straight to video. not even DVD--video.
Unknown Intern, ohhh like Land Before Time 518972378423
Kate: i’d rather watch baywatch reruns
Caren: in a Borat movie
Austin: don’t Hassel the Hoff
Nate: did we discuss Topher’s frosty tips? Frosty Tips vs. Emo cut....who wins?
Kate: the cut is nicer!
Austin: in a bare-knuckle brawl to the death, I’d put my money on emo cut. because it’s tough since it’s been cutting itself for years
Nate: emo cut with eye-liner combo always trumps frosty tips
Val: frosty tips is SOOO 90s
Tim: this film deserves an oscar for best gratuitous flag scene
Nate: holy crap
Unknown Intern: that was sooo inspiring
Kate: SERIOUSLY. america! yeah!
Austin: wait, freedom? liberty? strength? never forget? always remember? AMERCIA?!?
Val: f*** yeah!
Austin: dammit, I can’t type today
Tim: we can fix the typing in post
Austin: it’s like we’re shooting a movie! and it’s way better than “Spider-Man 3”

Tim: did the engagement ring falling just out of grasp remind anybody of frodo and the ring—you know, the ONE ring
Austin: to rule them?
Unknown Intern: ALL?
Val: just a wee bit of thievery there
Kate: next Time we’re going to see a romantic comedy
Nate: RoCo
Tim: no, the fantastic four sequel. this is way more fun than a good movie
Nate: Rise of the Silver Surfer...looks amazing
Unknown Intern: that guy looks like the dude from the capri sun commercials
Caren: almost as good as the Surfing Penguin movie
Unknown Intern: can we do a whole new chat for that surfing penguin preview we saw?
Val: I thought Kate was going to hurt someone during the surfing penguin trailer
Kate: well talking animals are just plain stupid
Nate: talking animals, talking portraits
Kate: talking babies, etc etc. all lame.
Austin: what the damn is this surfing penguin? someone enlighten me
Caren: go here.
Tim: i just hope global warming takes out the pinguins first
Kate: Tim! the penguins are drowning!
Nate: The polar bears are already done
Austin: goodbye forever, penguins
Kate: AUSTIN!
Caren: They can swim!
Tim: i thought they just marched.
Brian: literally!
Tim: wasn’t that the point of the movie that started it all?
Austin: I thought they just had happy feet
Tim: depends on how long they’ve been marching for
Brian: i mean, they are the only bird that hasn’t evolved to the point of flying
Caren: someone get the penguins some Dr. Scholls!
Val: they are SO not gellin’

(long pause)

Tim: hmm. pinguins = discussion killer
Nate: Tobey Maguire v. Conor Oberst cage match...who wins?
Austin: nobody wins
Val: Tobey
Caren: it’ll be just like Spiderman 1
Austin: they cry each other to sleep
Nate: They both die and we all celebrate
Caren: No I like Bright Eyes!
Unknown Intern: conor would just get drunk and give tobey all his guitars
Tim: tobey.
Tim: have you listened to conor’s songs? geez. grow a pair
Unknown Intern: and tobey has nuts… in his cookies
Unknown Intern: oh wait he doesn’t

(Laughter across the office)

Unknown Intern: “URSULA GO GET ME SOME NUTS!”
Tim: THAT’s genius
Nate: best scene in the movie
Austin: you are all a bunch of dirty birdies. my, what North Dekalb Mall does to you.
Tim: the real question: who wins in a whine-athon, tobey or conor?
Austin: tough one
Val: we lose
Tim: we lost 3 hours ago
Brian: it depends on who spends longer not washing their hair
Nate: If Conor had the black suit he’d still lose
Caren: “This suit is black.... NOT!”
Austin: hahahahaha
Caren: ok back to work time for me.
Austin: good times.
Nate: “Friends?”
Nate: “Best Friends.”
Austin: BFF 4EVA
Unknown Intern: i think i’m gonna go see it again
Kate: can i unsee that movie?
Tim: next week on mystery paste theater 3000....
Kate: ...somebody gives Kate back the last 3 hrs of her life!
Austin: oh man, can I be the robot? puh-lease??
Tim: you are the web guy
Tim: (no offense Brian)
Brian: stop being such an internet hog, Austin! before i beat you with your own pipes
Caren: Brian is the web architect
Tim: duh, the architect who builds the ROBOT
Val: Austin just logged out of the chat, you win, Brian