Tonight, Mötley Crüe, the most important band in the world, will present the most important announcement ever. This is not hyperbole. This is fact. The band has already revolutionized music, literature, and umlaut usage, so it’s safe to say that its upcoming announcement foretells something greater. Will Mötley Crüe be the first band to colonize space? Will it finally resolve tensions in the Middle East? Will it reverse global climate change with an innovative cap-and-trade policy? At 7 PM, all will be revealed. Stay tuned as Paste brings you a live blog of the most important announcement ever.
6:50: The video announcement area is a glorified chat room, with video. Earlier, a young woman named “Oatmeal” removed her clothes to the great admiration of many of the gathered individuals. Ever since then, it has been pretty tame, though bittersuite58 has excitedly announced that “i cannt wait 4 the crue 2 go on tour!!!”
6:55: If all goes according to plan, you should be able to watch the live feed right here:
6:56: bigal2k6 declares: “DONT MAKE FUN OF MY ASPERBGERS.” I wouldn’t dream of it.
6:58: Excitement is building in the chat room.
7:07: The extreme amount of Mötley Crüe fans has destroyed your humble blogger’s internet connection. We are working on it.
7:11: Crüe Fest!!!! RAWK!!!!
7:12: Mötley Crüe will be headlining a traveling rocktravaganza featuring the legends themselves, Buckcherry, Papa Roach, Sixx:A.M., and Trapt.
7:14: You know what’s really exciting? Corporate sponsorship! Like Best Buy! Who are so rawk! (To be fair, I once saw The Darkness play a Best Buy, and that was at least somewhat rawk.)
7:16: We are currently watching a video that has the following the lyric: “I’m a junkie addicted to the quick fix,” but the video suggests that the addiction might be the ladiezzz. The video is somehow related to JVC rawkin’ sponsorship of the tour and features a dude from Papa Roach and a dude from Trapt.
7:17: The song also features perhaps the most honest hard rock lyric of all time: “I just wanna be loved.” Though the song did describe Los Angeles as a state.
7:18: Sweet! Members of the press can speak one-on-one to the marketing representatives after the event!
7:19: The band has entered!
7:19: Tommy Lee just noted that he hopes that Crüe Fest will transpire into something a regular event, like Ozzfest. It is beneath me to make fun of Tommy Lee’s usage of the word “transpire,” because Tommy Lee is kind of cool.
7:21: When asked how the band decided who would go on tour with them, Nikki Six says that “they all look and smell and I can imagine some of you will find out that they taste like rock stars.” That is profoundly disgusting, but it’s certainly on message.
7:24: Vince Neil is discussing the band’s forthcoming album. He says that “the songs are amazing. The stories are amazing. The lyrics are based on stories from The Dirt.” That makes this Mötley Crüe’s first concert album, and also perhaps the band’s first foray into intertextuality. It’s also a pretty honest admission that the boys aren’t the badasses that they used to be, but they’re still able to sing about their legendary 1980s badassery. That seems more genuine than faking the funk.
7:25: The video for “The Saints of Los Angeles” is in classy black and white.
7:26: When asked how they feel about going on tour with “a new generation of rock royalty,” Mick Mars says that he “feels old.”
7:29: The band is about to play a couple of songs for the assembled journalists and scattered fans. While we wait, there is another trailer for Crüe Fest, the “loudest show on earth.” Now, testimonials from DJs, journalists, representatives of Rock Band, and a dude from Clear Channel, the rawkinest mega-corporation of all time!
7:31: In case you can’t watch the video above, you can also take a look right here.
7:33: The promotional video is still in full swing, with lots of talk of authenticity and genuineness. A dude from Fuse just compared the Crüe to the Beatles and Led Zeppelin. I don’t know what to say about this.
7:37: The band is plowing through “Kickstart My Heart” with very little palpitations. Vince Neil looks very embarrassing, but he can still hit the high notes.
7:38: [Mockery of Vince Neil’s fake tan has been deleted.]
7:43: Vince Neil dedicates their new song to the great city of Los Angeles. I wasn’t kidding earlier; there really is something brilliant about being an old and no longer dangerous rock group recording an album of songs about a moment of time when it was young and dangerous. And since the song is somewhat slower and than much of their old stuff, this approach makes even more sense.
7:45: The show is over. Was it the most important announcement of all time? Absolutely. Anyone can go to space, effect political change, or reverse disastrous economic policies. But only the Crüe can bring the rawk to your hometown. If this hasn’t been enough, the band plays Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight.
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