Current Events: "Joe the Plumber" Megamix

Hey now, plumber Joe! The men-folk can’t have all the dern fun, now, can they? This lay-it-all-on-the-line love song is for the lady plumber Joes out there—and I’m guessing that includes Jo from Facts of Life.

 

“Joe” - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers 

“Joe the Plumber,” being a red-blooded blue-collar guy from the heartland—the kind of guy who meets his buddy, Joe Sixpack, at the VFW bar after softball on Thursday nights for some High Life and pickled eggs—just can’t relate to the high-falutin’ Wall Street protagonist in this number. But more than that, plumber Joe is angry at the fact that this whole song probably was born because Tom Petty smoked a pinner with the Heartbreakers and was like, “Whoa, man, check it out! ‘Joe’ rhymes with ‘CEO!’ Far out! I think there’s a song there! Maybe in the video we could do this like Alice in Wonderland theme! Or, no, wait. I got it. A skate park—with a half pipe! And these hot chicks skating! But they don’t want to scratch their pretty elbows, so they like wear pads and stuff. No, wait, I know—we can give everyone in the band these really big, like, silly-looking instruments that, yeah, make the band look all tiny and stuff, and… oh, man, did you guys see the size of that caterpillar? Holy shit! I swear, no, I swear to God, man, it had the face of a mountain cougar, and the ass of Benmont Tench! Whoa … Joe … CEO. Man, guys, I just realized something—‘Joe’ totally rhymes with ‘CEO!’ We could get a song out of this!” 

 

“Joe Bean” - Johnny Cash 

This classic Cash ballad from Folsom Prison is what might happen to “Joe the Plumber” if he lost that plumbing business he doesn’t actually own, decided to get a government job, hit up the USPS, had a really bad day trying to deal with some nasty government-run-business-hating customers, not to mention the volume of the pre-Christmas rush, went POSTAL, evaded the police, and briefly took Sarah Palin hostage before finally giving himself up. Hell that story mighta worked just as good for Cash if he was still around—“Well, they’re hangin’ Joe Plumber this morning…’” 

 

“Cotton-eyed Joe” - Rednex 

Yep, it’s that obnoxious dance remix of that obnoxious old barnyard hoedown. The one you thought you’d never ever have to hear again. But then “Joe the Plumber” came along and ruined it for everyone. Thanks a lot, Joe.

 

“Not Your Average Joe” - Skepta 

While “Joe the plumber” is your “average Joe,” British rapper Skepta wants to really make sure you know he is the opposite of this. And if you’re gonna not pay attention to his rhymes, and still say he’s an “average Joe,” he wants to make clear that he’s not down with that, and he’d really appreciate it if you’d stop. Serious. 

 

“Joe” - PJ Harvey 

In this song, I think PJ Harvey is trying to make some poor schmo named Joe think she values his friendship enough for him to stick a shiv in somebody for her. And that, my friends, is pretty rock ’n’ roll. ... Ha! That was my John McCain impersonation: my friends … remember? The town-hall-style debate? Hmmm. Note to self: Samuel Morse called. He wants his telegraph back. Boosh.