An Open Letter to the Internets Regarding Ryan Adams Quitting Music -OR- Stop Freaking Out: It's Only Ryan

Dear Internets,

There’s noise on the playground that Ryan Adams is breaking up with music! And by "noise," I mean crazy-siren-hollering, panic-button-pushing freakouts by anyone within two clicks of a blog or message board who apparently still can’t figure out whether or not he really means what he blogs (so, pretty much this). And by "breaking up," I mean no more posting every other thought, no more surrendering to Jon Graboff’s infinitely more badass arsenal of socks, no more jams so spacey they make the plateau shake. No more.

But Internets, this is stupid stuff. Sure, to be fair, he did say that "Atlanta will be [his] last venture with the band,” but he also said that “maybe someday [the band] will have more stories to tell together.” He called it a “step back,” not a retirement, Internets. It’s a hiatus, not an implosion. At least, I hope so.

So hold yourself together, Internets! Oh, why did he have to run his game on you? You should have known right from the start he'd go and break your heart. Don't be so gloomy, though, Internets; no one said it was permanent. They’re just on a break. There’s no need to be young and to be sad. Besides, by now he’s already deleted both the band shattering blog and its ranting retraction (and I would say what’s there now, but by the time I do that it’ll be something else...and then it will change again).

I admit, I am feeling rather zen about it all. Perhaps it is because I haven’t forgotten:

- the five-disc career retrospective box set that’s still M.I.A.
- that time he reprimanded New York magazine for saying he was dating Mandy Moore when he wasn’t, except that he actually was
- the crooner record he keeps saying he’s going to make
- etc., and so on and so forth

So yes, I am optimistic that he will totally not keep his word and that within a couple of weeks he’ll call music up again and be all, “Do you want to go to the dance after the basketball game?” and music will act coy at first and pretend to have plans, but then she will surrender, and they will end up sitting on the hill behind the middle school talking about what songs they think are playing on the jukebox in heaven and how many notes it takes to break a heart.

It’s not that I think he’s a liar; it’s that I believe there’s some great wind that pushes him onward, no matter the circumstances—be they personal choices or a legitimately debilitating inner-ear condition. You must admit, Internets, that the sheer inertia of his musical creativity is startling, and it’s no wonder that he might need a step back. Saturated in his own foggy world, writing an incomprehensible number of songs, and treading down infinity blues at every corner, it is quizzical to think of where he finds the time to live while he’s all the time making.

So, Internets, though I know it’s hard to excuse him while he breaks his own heart, think of all the great break-up songs that will come out of this!  Sure, I’m not sure where we move on from saying that “It’s Harder Now that It’s Over” or asking “How Do You Keep Love Alive?” or commiserating that “Love is Hell,” but rest assured that he won’t be cowering in Gotham for long. Cheer up, and in the meantime, go listen to those other records you have hidden in your room somewhere. You know, the ones under the bed that have names other than Ryan Adams in the song credits. It could be good for you to take a step back.

I'm just saying this for your own good is all,
Ashley

P.S. - I never said it was okay to stop freaking out about Whiskeytown breaking up. That's still some bullshit.