Seven Facebook Requests I'm Ignoring

Facebook, I love ya. I really do. Except when you're responsible for sheep getting hurled in my direction. I admit that I caved and briefly became a vampire or zombie or ninja or something, but that doesn't mean I want to be knighted in a game that you win through a willingness to pester everyone you know. So here, along with that friend request from my high school sweetheart's mother, are seven requests I'll be ignoring...

1. Which House character are you?! request
Hmmm... My choices are a brilliant, misanthropic, pill-popping doctor; a hot alpha lesbian with a death sentence; or a sad-sack friend who allows himself to be walked on every day. Can't I be Lucas Douglas, the wise-cracking, straight-shooting P.I. from Season 5?

2. Star Wars figures request
No offense to this app's thousands of fans, but how many photos of Boba Fett do I need on my harddrive? You know... besides that one on my screensaver?

3. Good Karma requests
If only the universe really did reward me for forwarding to a friend.

4. Go Dawgs wave request
OK, my inner fanactic bleeds red and black and becomes my outer fanatic every fall. I love UGA football. But I've always hated the wave. Now it's found me online.

5. Knighthood invitations
"I have made you a noble in my kingdom. If you join this game, you will help me become more powerful! --Facebook User." Just like the real knights of yore who gained lands and won reknown by guilting their neighbors.

6. Flower requests
I've received 13 private messages with flowers attached. They've been slowly growing for months, and by now have surely grown some weird proboscis and fangs.

7. Unlike 99.99% of the Facebook population, I was born in the '70s group request
As good as it would be to commiserate with the other 189,492 members and get the scoop on Hardcastle and McCormick YouTube videos, we're not as rare as you think—unless there are 18,949,200,000 people on Facebook. I stopped feeling old for Facebook when I got a friend request from my father-in-law.