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Football legend John Madden, finally, at age 73—after three decades as an NFL television analyst—announced his retirement from broadcasting yesterday.
Sure, we admit that Madden is a charming and lovable—if mildly insane—Grandpa Bear, and that he knows a whole lot about the game to which he's devoted most of his life as a player, coach and commentator. But, really, did anyone ever understand what the hell he was getting at with all those little hastily scrawled telestrator arrows?
Every year, at some point during one of the Thanksgiving-day NFL games, Madden would take a time out to diagram a turducken—which would've been a brilliant, Andy Kaufman-esque gag if Madden had actually been in on the joke. But I guess he also gets points for thinking it's cool to annually diagram a stuffed, roasted bird for a major television audience.
As everybody who's spent any time listening to John call a game knows, what the Steelers want to do to win this one is to consistently move the ball down the field and put points on the board!
Without further ado, here's my loving musical tribute to that crazy old bastard... Seven Songs as Confusing as John Madden's Telestrated Instant-Replay Diagrams:
1. R.E.M. - "Sitting Still"
Sure, it's my all-time favorite R.E.M. song. And, yes, I know that you don't have to understand what Michael Stipe is singing about to dig the sound of his voice and all the choice syllables cartwheeling off of his tongue. But what, exactly, are the words? My copy of the album has no lyrics in the liner and every place you look them up online, they're different. As I listen, trying to make sense, my head begins to spin. Here's the best I can do: "This name I've got we all agreed / See could stop stop it will red / We could bind it in the cyst / We could gather throw a fit / Up to par and Katie buys a kitchen size but not me in / Sit and try for the big king / Wasting time sitting still." Huh?
The first time I heard this track, blasting in the office at Paste, I was mostly dumbfounded. No, that can't be My Morning Jacket, I thought. No way. Sounds like a Prince cover band or something. It can't be them—Jim James would never sing like this! (Still, the tune didn't take long to grow on me.)
3. Bon Jovi - "Wanted Dead or Alive"
This song—and Bon Jovi's cowpoke obsession in general—has always confused me. Other than the fact that he went on to record the Young Guns II soundtrack, why in God's name does a pretty-boy mainstream pop rocker from New Jersey relate so damn much to dirt-faced, gun-totin', tobacco-chewin' outlaws?
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mmm, you should listen to any White Zombie/Rob Zombie. their songs dont make to much sense :
John Madden set the bar very high for sports broadcasters. He is a true original. Other broacasters are rather bland, like the new MNF team. Well, except for Tony Kornheiser, who is THE most annoying man on television.
here's to mentioning the steelers, the best effin' football team in all of history. better than delightful rice krispy treats eaten on beautiful back porches in the cool evening of a southern spring night, better than morrissey's bengali in platforms, better than handmade silver bracelets, better than npr travel mugs, better than organic z-pizza and diet coke and parliment cigs. not better that perfect little chubby white kitty cats. every day is like sunday madden, every day is silent and grey. life is hard enough when you belong here.
the other songs i am perplexed by as much as you but i do know from intense debates and listening to the album 100 thousand times that my friends have determined that crackity jones is actually about crack/cocaine and mr grieves is about marijuanna, hence the how the two songs flow together. but our arguement starts to go in different directions i believe the 2 songs to be a story about a man who was a pot head who became a crack head. while my friend thinks it is a story about the personailities of 2 different type of drug heads. i dont know but it is food for thought that maybe the spanglish ramblings are meant to represent a crack heads ramblings(he chases voices he recieves in his head)
don't forget holy diver. or maybe no man alive is meant to understand it
@ Capecoddan. I did a little research on "Crackity Jones" since I read your comment. Here's what a Pixies bio from the 4AD Records website says about it:
"While the religious overtones in Black Francis' songwriting seem to stem from his parents' 'born again' days in the Pentecostal church, his much-publicized use of Spanish lyrics was no doubt encouraged by a student-exchange trip to Puerto Rico's San Juan. Unfortunately, he wasn't too proficient in that language and spent the initial weeks without money, unable to make himself understood in a 'welfare state where so many people are screwed up.' Tales of squalor from this time spent 50 stories up in the seedy apartment with a 'weirdo, psycho, gay room mate,' were later immortalized in 'Crackity Jones' on the Doolittle album."