John Roderick's Funniest Tweets

John Roderick’s band The Long Winters hasn’t released a record in a while—probably because he’s too busy being the funniest guy on Twitter. Our editor-in-chief buried him in a list of ten Twitterers last month, but a winning Tweet and a runner-up hardly does Roderick's hilariousness justice. My top 13 probably won’t satisfy you, so check him out for yourself. 

I have a Twitter now too! Twitter.com/katekiefer is where I'll RT Roderick's greatest hits.

1. Whenever I'm struggling to write lyrics I think of JET's #1 hit "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" and I'm reminded that no one cares about lyrics.

2. I'm not opposed to bellybutton piercings, it's just Special Forces training taught me not to wear jewelry that might get caught on a fence.

3. I spent the morning planting azaleas in a nautilus pattern. It's like a psychedelic guitar solo, except silent, because it's made of plants.

4. @colinmeloy Arrrgh, fifty gold doubloons to ye if'n ye can name as fine a sea-faring tale as ye ever shall hear, Arrrgh.

5. You know who else had over 100K followers and wrote Dickensian murder ballads about Victorian chambermaids and chimbley sweeps? Joe Stalin.

6. Self-awareness alert! I use sarcasm to soften my fury, and use over-formal politeness to soften my sarcasm. This is how WASPs learn to deal.

7. What the hell was the deal with CANDY CIGARETTES? I dug "smoking" and was taking deep "drags" when I was seven. Whose bright idea was THAT?

8. It's one of those days where it's dead calm, then it's kinda windy, then suddenly it's 100% windy, then calm. A hell of a day to be a hawk.

9. Driving with my sunroof open behind someone holding their cigarette out the window of their car. Am I entitled to some kind of settlement?

10. I like watching the On Demand cable hosts because they use sentences I'd never otherwise get to hear, like "Now more Rascal Flatts videos."

11. Will I regret not buying the 2x4 framed shag needlepoint carpet of Berlin's Kaiser Wilhelm Church? You can actually die of kitsch, you know.

12. I'm already in the minority by being not-gay and loving the movie Grease, but within that sub-category I also think Frenchy is the hot one.

13. I'm interviewing a new accountant today and I'm anxious. I want someone scrupulously honest, but who won't object to my Noriega bond fund.

And now that you’ve read the list, think about what Rachael just said to me: “What if his next album’s not well written? People will be like, ‘What? You splurged your creativity on Twitter?!’”