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Steven Wright is not only the undisputed world champion of weird one-liners, he's among the greatest comedians ever to walk on stage.
Next Tuesday, May 12, Reprise Records will be issuing a deluxe anniversary edition of Wright's Grammy-winning 1985 comedy classic I Have a Pony. (Why they're celebrating the 24th anniversary instead of the 25th, I have no idea, but it does seem more Steven Wright to do it that way.)
In honor of his landmark comedy record, we offer the 25 best one-liners from Wright's I Have a Pony...
1. I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.2. I was once walking through the forest alone, and a tree fell right in front of me—and I didn't hear it.
3. One time, the police stopped me for speeding, and they said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't gonna be out that long."
4. For my birthday, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... put 'em in the same room. Let 'em fight it out.
5. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
6. I'm planning a trip to Spain. So I bought an album that teaches you the language. Put the album on, you put headphones on, you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night, the record skipped. I get up the next day, I could only stutter in Spanish.
7. One night, I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
8. I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
9. I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes longer.
10. I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
11. You know when you're sitting on a chair, and you lean back so you're just on two legs, and then you lean too far and you almost fall over, but just at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
12. I have map of the United States, it's actual size. It says one mile=one mile.
13. I got up the other day and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.
14. I've been doing a lot of painting lately. Abstract painting—extremely abstract. No brush, no canvas. I just think about it.
15. One time I went to a museum where all the work was done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
16. I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So whenever I go to have my teeth cleaned, while I'm in the waiting room I eat an entire box of Oreo cookies.
17. One time I went to the drive-in in a cab. Movie cost me $95.
18. I went into a place to eat, it said "breakfast anytime." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
19. A while ago, I was in Las Vegas at the roulette table, having a furious argument over what I considered to be an "odd" number.
20. I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other one is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
21. The Stones—I love the Stones. I can't believe they're still doing it after all these years. I watch 'em whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
22. Friday I was in a bookstore. I started talking to this very French-looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate—she couldn't read in two different languages.
23. My bus came and I sat down next to this beautiful blonde Chinese girl. I said, "Hello," and she said, "Hello." And I said, "Isn't it an amazing day?" And she said, "Yes, it is, I guess." I said, "What do you mean, you guess?" She said, "Well, things haven't been going too well for me lately." I said, "like what?" She said, " I can't tell you, I don't even know you." I said, "Yeah, but sometimes it's good to tell your problems to an absolute, total stranger on a bus." She said, "Well, I just came back from my analyst, and he's still unable to help me." I said, "What's the problem?" She paused and said, "I'm a nymphomaniac and I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys." And she said, "By the way, my name is Diane." I said, "Hello, Diane, I'm Bucky Goldstein."
24. For a while I lived in Vermont with a guy named Winny. We lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If we wanted to cook something, we had to take a sweater off real quick. If we wanted to run a blender, we had to rub balloons on our head.
25. The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."
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Sometimes I like to stick my head out the window and smile for satellite photos.
It's a small world. But I wouldn't want to paint it.
I love Rice. It's great when you want to have a thousand of something.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "Sooo, how far did you THINK you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.
Just an observation from a card game player. I don't think the bit about playing a game with Tarot cards works that well anymore, at least for those that know about real card games played with Tarot. It seems that the Tarot cards were in fact intended to be used for a type of game and that there really is nothing essentially occult about them.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I bought powdered water, but didn't know what to add.
As much as I used to like Steven Wright, he hasn't had much new material since his first batch in the 80's. I saw him at the Beacon in NYC around '88, which was a near-duplicate perfomance of his HBO special the year before. Within 20 minutes he was getting heckled with shouts of "new material please!" by half the audience and the other half was completing his jokes for him. Hey, New York's a tough crowd!!!