Published at 3:15 AM on July 31, 2009

By Steve LaBate

10 Songs I'm Pretty Sure Are About Masturbation

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(Above: Judge Reinhold gets busted by Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High)

 
Masturbation. I remember when that was a dirty word. Back in 6th and 7th grade, nobody—and I mean nobody—would cop to doing that shit. Around then, my friend Chris and I had a conversation that went a little something like this:

Chris: You know, I read something in this magazine about how like 90 percent of guys in middle school masturbate.
Steve: No way, man. I don't believe it.
Chris: Well, that's what it said. But you're right, there's no way. [awkward pause] You don't do that, do you?
Steve: Me? Whatever. That's just gross. Totally sick.
Chris: Yeah, I wonder what weirdos at school actually do that.
Steve: I don't know, but I know I don't
Chris: Me, neither. That's messed up.

Even so, in pop music there have been many, many songs, some less subtle than others (take GG Allin's "I Want To F*** Myself," for example), about the act of self-love. Of course, there are also plenty of songs people assume are about masturbation that really aren't at all. Like Prince's "Darling Nikki." Get a clue, people. I mean, who gets freaky solo-style in a hotel lobby? That lyric about "masturbating with a magazine" isn't literal, it's a metaphor for frivolous self indulgence. 

The Cure's "Close to Me" isn't about masturbation, either. A closer look at the lyrics, and it's pretty clear that it's about losing your virginity. And Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself" is not even remotely about masturbation. It falls into that classic pop-song category: Tunes about being lonely even when you're in a crowd because a) nobody gets you or b) that special person you've got your eye on is either uninterested or completely oblivious to your desires. That one's been done by everyone from Smokey Robinson to Morphine. But, no, "Dancing With Myself" is definitely not about masturbation.

The following 10 songs, though—I am almost positive that these are about masturbation...

1. Faith No More - "Epic"

Sample lyric: "You will never understand it cuz it happens too fast / And it feels so good it's like walking on glass ... It's crying, bleeding, lying on the floor / So you lay down on it and you do it some more... Then you bear it and you tear it / You want it all but you can't have it / It's in your face but you can't grab it"

Sample lyric: "Body and beats, I stain my sheets, I don't even know why / My girlfriend she's at the end, she is starting to cry / Let me go on, like a blister in the sun / Let me go on, big hands I know you're the one"

Sample lyric: "I used to wake up in the morning, I used to feel so bad / I got so sick of having sleepless nights, I went and told my dad / He said, 'Son now here's some little something,' and stuck them on my wall / And now I ain't quite so lonely, in fact I don't feel bad at all / Pictures of Lily made my life so wonderful / Pictures of Lily helped me sleep at night" 

Sample lyric: "I see them every night in tight blue jeans, in the pages of a blue boy magazine / I've been thinking of a new sensation, I'm picking up a good vibration / Ooh, she bop / Do I wanna go out with a lion's roar? Yeah I wanna go south and get me some more / They say that a stitch in time saves nine / They say I better stop or I'll go blind"

Sample lyric: "I've got your picture of me and you / You wrote 'I love you' I wrote 'me too' / I sit there staring and there's nothing else to do / It's in color, your hair is brown, your eyes are hazel and soft as clouds / I often kiss you when there's no one else around"

(This one isn't entirely about masturbation, but I bet this part is.)
Sample lyric: "Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free / At night, I lock the doors where no one else can see / I'm tired of dancing here all by myself / Tonight I wanna dance with someone else"

Sample lyric: "When I was a little boy, my grandmother bought me a cute little toy / Silver bells hanging on a string / She told it was my ding-a-ling-a-ling ... My ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling / I wanna play with my ding-a-ling a-ling"

Sample lyric: "You tried it just once, found it all right for kicks / But now you found out that it's a habit that sticks / And you're an orgasm addict / Sneaking in the backdoor with dirty magazines / Now your mother wants to know about all those stains on your jeans. ... you get in a heat, you get in a sulk / but you still keep beating your meat to a pulp"

Sample lyric: "I don't want anybody else / When I think about you, I touch myself"

(And, finally, leave it to the Pixies to fit masturbation, Catholic guilt and fantasized incest into one neat-and-tidy little package.)
Sample lyric: "Sit right down my wicked son, and let me tell you a story / About the boy who fell from glory and how he was a wicked son / This ain't no holiday, but it always turns out this way / Here I am, with my hand / He took his sister from his head / And he painted her on the sheets / And then rolled her up in grass and trees / And they kissed 'til they were dead"

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