Slow & Steady: The Very Best Sloth Stuff On Etsy

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Hey, you know what are really terrifying? Giant ground sloths! If you've ever been to the Smithsonian's Museum of Natural History, perhaps you had the same reaction to the skeletons of these ancient beasts as I did, which was to promptly turn around and walk slowly out of the room—eyes glazed over in horror, trained straight down at your LA Gear sneakers—and then to have horrific flashbacks for the rest your life. I'm sure the researchers who, just last week, discovered the giant underwater cave filled with prehistoric human artifacts and also dismembered giant sloth skeletons were pleased as punch with their findings, but I would probably rather club myself over the head with a faunal femur than encounter such a sight again.

Thank God for evolution, right? These days, all we're left with are the much maligned and far more managably sized two- and three-toed varieties, who all seem to prefer hanging out in trees and growing mold on their slow-moving asses rather than totally fucking your shit up (which is all I imagine their gargantuan ancestors were interested in—stomping and crushing). Against all odds, these are some of the most endearing creatures on our planet. Saturday Night Live has already paid its respects to the species, and many others certainly agree with this YouTube user that "sloths are most probably the best animal ever there just so great."

But are they great enough to supplant birds and deer as the indie crafting world's animal motif of choice? Given the unusual amount of sloth-themed stuff for sale on Etsy, I'd say the sloth is on a slow and steady path to doing just that. It'll get there, one day. Maybe. Eventually. In the meantime, check out some of my picks for Etsy's very best sloth stuff.