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Fourteen Voices You Wouldn't Want to Hear Giving GPS Directions

September 21, 2009  |  7:00am
Back in August, Paste (and many others in the blogosphere) leapt to report on a rumor about Bob Dylan lending his voice to GPS systems. But as loyal listeners to his XM Radio show all knew, the segment wasn't just a rerun from a December episode—it was also a well-told joke. Whoops.

Still, the thought of Dylan leading drivers down Lonely Avenue made us think of a few other famous voices that might not make the best navigational guides. A few of the worst choices:

Christopher Walken
can lecture all he wants as Captain Koons, but with his voice's weird inflections, he might not make the most efficient GPS guide.

Pee-wee Herman
 is harmless when in a good mood, save his roundabout ways of functioning and occasional sound effects. But get the kid cranky, and he could lead your car astray with his spastic yelling:



Quentin Tarentino would yell, scream and even spit at drivers who take wrong turns.

Ben Stein
would put you to sleep at the wheel, just as he did his class in Ferris Bueller's Day Off:



When Gilbert Gottfried or Bobcat Goldthwait tell you to take a right turn, you might want to drive straight. Off a bridge:

 

Rep. Joe Wilson would disrupt your concentration with inappropriate comments at awkward times. Even if you turned right as instructed, he probably would not believe you.

The sporadic "YEAH BOY!" from Flavor Flav would be encouraging at first, but may eventually prove unsettling. He should just stick to guiding our leaders of tomorrow:



Kanye West
would give good directions, but would make you feel bad about it: "I'mma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best left-hand turns of all time."

Ol' Dirty Bastard
 would do the same, only to say that Wu-Tang did:

 

Foghorn Leghorn
would, I say Foghorn Leghorn would just never get to the point:

 

Porky Pig's stuttering would be bad enough on its own, but what if your GPS unit hits a technical glitch?
 


Ozzy Osbourne's mumblings and grumblings on his family's reality show needed closed captioning to be understood, and his GPS directions would require the same sort of treatment.

But of course, Osbourne falls second to Fran Drescher in being the worst GPS voice candidate ever. Anderson Cooper, you can keep her:

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