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Sue Sylvester: Fifteen Quotes to Live By if You Want to Be a Machiavellian Cheerleader

April 16, 2010  |  7:30am
Sue Sylvester: Fifteen Quotes to Live By if You Want to Be a Machiavellian Cheerleader

We love Sue Sylvester with the kind of reverent love we usually reserve for the Costanzas and Tobiases. The track suits. The Cheerios. The condo in Boca. The sexual ambiguity. The “Sue’s Corner” rants on WOHN News 8. The ability to vomit at will. The missing uterus. The maniacal scheming.

She’s Jane Lynch’s opus, the culmination of all her discomfited, awkward, self-serious roles, from Best In Show’s Christy Cummings to The L Word’s Joyce Wischnia. She’s a small town cheerleading coach who says things like: “I’m engorged with venom, and triumph.” She’s the perfect villain: brilliant, militant and forever stuck in middle management. Here are some of her other excellent quotes: Memorize them, internalize them and use them to conquer the world.

1. “You may be two of the stupidest teens I’ve ever encountered—and that’s saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to Sarah Palin.”

2. “I’m reasonably confident you will be adding revenge to the long list of things you’re no good at, right next to being married, running a high school glee club, and finding a hair style that doesn’t make you look like a lesbian. Love ya like a sister.”

3. ‘’I’m going to ask you to smell your armpits. That’s the smell of failure, and it’s stinking up my office.’‘

4. “I empower my Cheerios to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror.’‘

5. ‘’I don’t trust a man with curly hair. I can’t help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and I find it disgusting.’‘

6. “I always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness.”

7. “I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go to college? I don’t know. I don’t care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners.”

8. “While they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn’t using them.”

9. “You think this was hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they’re going in another direction. That was hard.”

10. ”[Ramps] are what I call lazy-makers. They discourage able-bodied students from getting proper exercise by using the stairs.”

11. “Every time I try to destroy that club, it comes back stronger than some sexually ambiguous horror movie villain.”

12. “Not everyone is gonna have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance. But I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage.”

13. “I got a satellite interview. That’s lingo for an interview, via satellite.”

14. “That was the most offensive thing I’ve seen in 20 years of teaching—and that includes an elementary school production of Hair.”

15. ‘’I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I will steal away into your house and punch you in the face.’’

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