Nine Movie Pitches Based On Facebook Apps
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The Movie: Happy Aquarium
Director: In a perfect world, master of CGI storytelling Brad Bird (Ratatouille, The Incredibles) would be in the director’s chair.
Starring: Woody Allen is the only one both animated and neurotic enough to take on the role of Oscar. Chris Tucker would play C-Rab, the rapping crab, and may we suggest Jane Lynch as the wise-cracking whale?
Plot: Like most of the thousands of fish in the big urban aquarium in which he lives, tropical fish Oscar leads a life of comfort and routine. Unlike the other fish though, Oscar is plagued by loneliness. Rife with delusion after years of rejection, he devises a plan to court the animatronic mermaid that greets visitors in his exhibit. But with the help of a few friends, including a hip-hop loving crab and a wise-cracking beluga whale, Oscar realizes that although there may be plenty of fish in the sea, the catch of a lifetime may be right in front of him all along.
Tagline: “This summer, love takes a dive.”
The Movie: Where I’ve Been
Director: Cameron Crowe, who will write this one as well, because if he can make a critically successful movie out of a photo of an athlete with an agent, he can make a movie about a Facebook application.
Starring: Kate Winslet is a travel writer from New York who has been to every continent and back; Zach Braff is a small-town guy working a dead-end job at a corner convenience store.
Plot: Alice worked all her life to get out of the small-town south and when she got a gig as a travel writer, she finally did; after twenty years of globetrotting, she has to return to her hometown to bury her father. There, she meets Stuart, a snarky gas station attendant who’s never set foot outside of town. The two quickly develop a friendly relationship that is mutually beneficial and colored by the various residents of the town. They obviously teach each other important lessons.
Tagline: “Where she’s been isn’t as good as where she’s going.”
The Movie: Graffiti
Director: Mos Def, in his directorial debut
Starring: Mos Def, Sean Patrick Thomas, Ciara, Jaden Smith
Plot: In 1984, Philadelphia’s mean, carbon-grey streets are covered with gang-related graffiti. Thomas plays Jay, a young man trying to keep his younger brother, Raymond (played by the adorable Jaden Smith) out of the gang world. Together with his girlfriend Rosie (Ciara) the two are the talented, singing and dancing male and female leads in this urban musical-esque film. Mos Def plays Wilson Goode, Philly’s first African-American mayor and founder of the Philadelphia Anti-Graffiti Network. He helps bring the two into the project, soulfully singing, dancing and verse-dropping along the way.
Tagline: “Philly’s streets are about to get a little more colorful.”
The Movie: Honesty Box
Director: Mark Waters. As director of Just Like Heaven and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, he’s had plenty of experience with the implausible. As director of Freaky Friday and Mean Girls, he’s had plenty of experience with the star, the original can’t-be-tamed Disney girl.
Starring: In a court-mandated attempt to recreate her image, Lindsay Lohan plays Jane, a squeaky clean but popular high-school student. In an attempt to help Lohan recreate her image, Michael Cera plays Josh, Jane’s lovesick best friend.
Plot: Through some poorly explained but certainly magical means, Jane finds herself in possession of a box that, every evening, becomes filled with slips of paper revealing the true opinion of what Jane’s friends and classmates really think of her. Self-absorbed Jane becomes obsessed with trying to match thoughts (especially all the ones about being desperately in love with her) with faces. Along the way, Jane learns about friendship, love, and that there really is a lot more to people than meets the eye.
Tagline: “Turns out you can handle the truth.”
The Movie: Causes
Director: Robert Kenner. He inspired PETA activists around the world with his documentary, Food, Inc. Now, he’s teaming up with Facebook to promote social justice where it is needed most.
Starring: Angelina Jolie and all of her adopted children, Don Cheadle, Bono
Plot: Anna (Jolie) grew up in the Bronx. Raised by a single mother who had immigrated to the United States from Czechoslovakia, she learned the values of appreciation and determination early in life. After starting a non-profit dedicated to building clean water wells in Africa with her husband Sam (Cheadle), the couple began adopting children from all over the world. Their love for children and Africa inspired them to build one of the world’s largest orphanages in Uganda, a project that was made possible with donations the couple received via Facebook’s Causes application. Before long, Anna and Sam’s humanitarian efforts are recognized by Linus Wilhelm (Bono), the secretary-general of the United Nations, who provides them with funding for every child’s education.
Tagline: “Anything’s possible when love is your cause.”
The Movie: Café World
Director: Judd Apatow. Because, if all else fails (up to and including the plot), there’s plenty of yet-untouched raunchy humor out there, and this guy knows how to tap it. (That’s what she said?)
Starring: Paul Rudd as Joe, a food critic whose wife just left him to live with an Italian footballer in Venice. Jessica Alba as Tori, Joe’s beautiful but often lonely wife. Christiano Ronaldo in his big screen debut as Julian, an Italian soccer player. Seth Rogen as Dewey, Joe’s college roommate who’s been living in the apartment over their garage and “looking for a job” since they graduated 10 years ago. Anna Kendrick, as Bobbi, an American girl who has just failed out of art school but isn’t supposed to return home for three months.
Plot: When introverted Portland food critic Joe’s wife runs away to Italy with a hunky, romantic Italian soccer star, he makes a plan to win her back: Move to Venice and open a restaurant that serves all her favorite foods. The only problem is, Joe can’t cook. The other only problem is, Joe’s been supporting his chubby college roommate for 10 years and doesn’t want to put him out on the street. But love hangs in the balance. So, with nothing but hope, romance and awkward humor on their side, Joe and Dewey move to Venice, purchase a run-down coffeeshop, and bunk in the pantry. On their quest to make their restaurant a Venice hot-spot, the duo venture into open air markets and fancy vineyards, and discover which wild mushrooms aren’t so good for cooking. They find a cook in their curmudgeonly, borderline-alcoholic upstairs neighbor (Ed Asner), who gathered a quirky collection of recipes from his many ports of call as a Navy chef. They also hire a waitress: a beautiful American art student who might be just what Dewey needs to find his way off the couch. The unlikely team open the eclectic Cafe World (with daily specials like “Curried Cheese Toasties”) to rave reviews, but will it be enough to help Joe get his wife back?
Tagline: “Nothing says romance like tacos and baklava.”