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The 25 Best Tom Haverford Quotes

February 7, 2013  |  12:08pm
The 25 Best Tom Haverford Quotes
5. Four Words
“The four sweetest words in the English language: you wore me down. ” (Episode 4.15, “Dave Returns”)

4. Cake
“You can’t say your favorite kind of cake is birthday cake. That’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.” (Episode 2.10, “Hunting Trip”)

3. Fax
“Every now and then, we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered. One time, I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll-Up.” (Episode 1.1, “The Pilot”)

2. Internet Addiction
“Everyday I start by hitting up Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram. Sometimes, I like to throw in LinkedIn, for the professional shawties. Then I like to go on Reddit. Reddit is great because it has all the important links. Wikipedia! Mankind’s greatest invention. You can learn about anything. Take Ray J for example. We all know he’s a singer, he’s Brandy’s brother, and he was in that classic sex tape with Kim Kardashian. But did you also know he’s Snoop Dog’s cousin and he was in the 96th Tim Burton movie Mars Attacks?! Suddenly, you’re on the Mars Attacks page. I love gChat, you can talk to anybody! I hit up brad.pitt. It wasn’t the actor. It was actually a guy named Brad that’s a teacher in Pittsburgh. We don’t have a lot in common, but we chat quite a bit. Emojis are little cartoons you text instead of words. Instead of saying, ‘What up, boo?’ you can type ‘What up’ and then a cute little ghost because that means boo. There’s even a little Indian guy, but he has a turban on, which I think is racist. But the Asian guy also has a racist hat on. And it’s like, hold up didn’t Japanese people invent this?! Podcasts! They’re a million of them and they’re all amazing! Jean Ralphio and I have one called Nacho Average Podcast where we rate different kinds of nachos.” (Episode 5.4, “Sex Education)

1. Food
“Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrées. I call sandwiches ‘sammies,’ ‘sandoozles,’ or ‘Adam Sandlers.’ Air conditioners are ‘cool blasterz.’ I call cakes ‘big ol’ cookies.’ I call noodles ‘long-ass rice.’ Fried chicken is ‘fry-fry chicky-chick.’ Chicken parm is ‘chicky-chicky-parm-parm.’ Chicken cacciatore? ‘Chicky-cach.’ I call eggs ‘pre-birds,’ or ‘future birds.’ Root beer is ‘super water.’ Tortillas are ‘bean blankets.’ And I call forks ‘food rakes.’” (Episode 3.10, “Soulmates”)

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