We all should have figured out a way to postpone our graduation dates and transfer over to Broad Run High School, alma mater of Patton Oswalt, where the comedian recently delivered the graduation speech.
First off, I want to thank the teachers and faculty of Broad
Run High School for first considering and then inviting me to speak
here. It was flattering, I am touched and humbled, and you have made
a grave mistake.
I’m being paid for this, right? Oh, wait,
there’s some advice, right off the bat - always get paid. If you make
enough money in this world you can smoke pot all day and have people
I’m sorry, that was irresponsible.
You shouldn’t have people killed.
Boom! Marijuana endorsement eleven seconds into my speech! Too late to cancel me now!
So now I’m going to try to give all of you some advice as if I
contained fatherly wisdom, which I do not. I contain mostly caffeine,
Cheet-o dust, fear and scotch.