How to Survive the Next Year, By Eugene Mirman

Comedy Features How To
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In 1996 we all thought that by 2010 the world would be an unrecognizable dystopia, filled with robotic policemen, pornography you inject directly into your penis, and wireless telephones that worked while hiking. We were so naive back then, running Netscape, looking up Smashing Pumpkins lyrics on AltaVista and WebCrawler. The future is largely not what we predicted (even those of you who shoehorned Nostradamus prophecies to retro-predict 9/11 after the fact). If you think Captain America was surprised at the 1960s once he was thawed from that iceberg, imagine how much more unnerving he would find the modern-day world (booty texts? Whaaaaaaaat?!)—and also how shocked he’d be to find out the Human Torch isn’t real. To help deal with 2010, I’ve assembled a little survival guide with tips to aid you in the coming year:

1. Wear nice shoes and be sure to have a fanny pack full of airplane-size whiskey bottles in case there’s an impromptu signing of a business deal.
2. Don’t make any wild claims about a new band until you hear its second album.
3. If you encounter an extraterrestrial, tell someone. Don’t just hide the alien in your garage. John Kerry would be a good person to talk to. Aerosmith would also be good—you can relax, no one’s dissecting an alien that’s friends with Aerosmith.
4. A new social networking giant will rise from its sleep—feel free to join, but don’t over-promote whatever it is you do. Thanks!

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