Andy and Lana Wachowski, the siblings who gave us The Matrix trilogy, Cloud Atlas, and Driving Miss Daisy (not sure about that last one), will release their next film this summer on July 25 through Warner Bros. and Village Roadshiow. Titled Jupiter Ascending, the sci-fi action thriller stars Channing Tatum as an “interplanetary warrior” and Mila Kunis as an unsuspecting janitor who has some super important destiny to fill. It’s tempting to think of it as The Matrix in Space, except that as far as I can remember, The Matrix was already kinda in space. Anyway, check out the trailer here, and read on for my personal top 10 highlights.
1. The inevitable “the universe is huge, silly earthling!” type quotes, ranging from the smugly condescending:
“Your earth is a very small part of a very large industry.”
To the considerate, but still pretty condescending:
“It can be difficult for people from under-developed worlds to hear that their planet is not the only inhabited planet.”
If I was Mila Kunis, I’d be like, “okay, I get it, space exists. Now leave me the fuck alone.”
2. The girl’s name is Jupiter! I had a writing teacher once tell me that the worst stories he read from students were the ones with female names that double as common nouns in the title for the sake of shitty wordplay, like “Healing Faith” or “Destiny Unraveled.” I’m glad the Wachowskis never heeded that pretentious crap.
3. The creepy crying king type whose voice quivers as he tells Jupiter, “some lives will always matter more than others.”
4. The heavy implication that this film is the story of what happened to the girl from the song “Drops of Jupiter” when she was on her soul vacation. (I can’t be the only one who saw that, right?)
5. Elaborate dinner tables. As advanced as other cultures may be, they still revert to middle ages tropes when setting up a feast.
6. Sean Bean (Ned Stark from Game of Thrones) referring to Channing Tatum’s character in ominous tones as “the perfect hunting machine.” I believe Chuck Norris will have something to say about that, sir.
7. The creepy doctor who seems excited to kill Jupiter. He’s all like, “are you sure this is the right one?” and the nurse is like, “ummm…” and he’s like, “JUST DO IT, WE DON’T HAVE ALL DAY.”
8. The depiction of bizarre, futuristic sports. Look, I know this isn’t in the trailer, but I’m convinced it will be in the film. Any film about space or the future without some crazy, impractical, violent MoonBall type game, is bogus. I expect when Jupiter gets to her new planet, they’ll sit her down to watch the best athletes fight each other on laser stilts in an arena made of lava and asteroids.
9. Everyone speaks in a throaty bass! Bald alien creatures with weird headgear! Intergalactic prisons! Fire literally everywhere! Gargoyles and goblins and fire and cryptic neck tattoos and entire cities with craggy architecture that look super terrifying! EVERY TROPE IN THE WORLD!
10. The end of the trailer has Jupiter descending. Classic, Wachowskis. Classic. I get you.