Justin Bieber getting arrested for drunk driving in a yellow Lamborghini was the first true gift God bestowed unto Twitter in this new year. The Manti Te’o hoax of 2014, if you will. There was Miami Beach, there was weed, there was booze, there was a 21-year-old passenger who’s already been in relationships with football player DeSean Jackson, Lil Twist and Diddy’s son Justin Combs. There was a chaotic Instagram video taken by a car full of Beliebers, which, as Shane Ryan pointed out, is pretty much tantamount to the Zapruder film for post-millennial #tweens. There was the mesmerizing mugshot, there was Bieber comparing himself to Michael Jackson in the aftermath. It was almost too much to handle—a treasure trove of punchlines served up to the Internet like a beach ball.
That would have been enough, believe me, but we also had MLK day on Monday, leading to the inevitable Twitter homages from incongruous corporations. (Arby’s, we’re glad Dr. King is in your heart.) Then, on Friday, Gmail went down for a few minutes and everyone’s mind vomit was redirected from the friends they were annoying on Gchat to their Twitter followers who care even less. It was no less harrowing than Winter Storm Janus; I’m just glad we all made it out the other side alive.
...Now if you’ll excuse me, my Gmail tab is lighting up. I have to get back to my series of week-long Richard Sherman discussions.
Here is the definitive, finite and indisputable gallery of the week’s best tweets, including a bonus Zach Braff, Mitt Romney run-in at the end. Enjoy.