Comedy

Out-of-Context Stand-Up Weirdness from Just For Laughs: Guess Who Said It

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Out-of-Context Stand-Up Weirdness from Just For Laughs: Guess Who Said It

Over 230 comics performed at this year’s Just For Laughs, the annual comedy mega-festival that takes place throughout July in Montreal. The headlining events—such as Seth Rogen’s Hilarity for Charity, the JFL awards show, Jim Norton’s keynote address, and galas fronted by the likes of Bill Burr, Andy Samberg and Don Rickles—went down over the course of the past week, not to mention more stand-up comedy than fans knew what to do with. And with a lot of stand-up comes a lot of weirdness, and we decided to make some of the weirdest shit we heard even weirder by taking it out of context and tasking you, the reader, with figuring out which comic said it. Each of the following 20 quotes was uttered during a stand-up set by one of the following: Mike Birbiglia, Lewis Black, Joe Mande, Brooks Wheelan, Alonzo Bodden, Tom Papa, Kate Berlant, Dan Levy, Don Rickles, Ari Shaffir, Jerrod Carmichael, TJ Miller, Jarred Christmas, Al Madrigal.

Answers are at the end.


...I’ll tell you who doesn’t like the word ‘fuck’: people who have paid to see the Muppets…


...the cotton candy, you can just see it shooting out of their ass…”

cottoncandyJFL.jpg


...Who gave me this pain? Who gave me this desire? Who gave me this iPad?


...and like Hansel and Gretel, follows a trail of baby powder and aloe vera into the bathroom to find me in the tub fucking a milk carton…


...For what is a snow-woman’s anus but calamari?


...I’d be like the Joe Jackson of child porn…


...Is there a better get-out-of-jail-free card than having invented peanut butter?

PBandJailJFL.jpg


...Hey kids, let’s get your favorite cartoon character and lynch his ass!


...Every time I’m ready to do this, I think of Pavarotti…


...I think part of the magic of being a hooker is that effortless quality…


...Robert Frost would jerk off to one-star porn…

FrostJFL.jpg


...I don’t care what you sleep with; if it said yes, knock it out…


...Even when I’m in bed and cannot achieve an erection, I feel better than I do in a voting booth…


...I’m a great boyfriend. I like to vaccum. It soothes me…


...Peeing girls’ names in the snow…


...A mircopenis is kind of like those Magic Eye posters from the ‘90s…

MagicEyeJFL.jpg


...Oh no, Abe is shitting in the tub…


...If you want great nookie, grab a wookie…


...Shitting into your pants is far worse than shitting in your pants…


...If you don’t like CNN, you should watch CNN a few minutes each day to get an idea of what it’s like to have a stroke…

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1. Birbiglia 2. Papa 3. Berlant 4. Mande 5. Miller 6. Carmichael 7. Miller 8. Madrigal 9. Rickles 10. Birbiglia 11. Shaffir 12. Bodden 13. Black 14. Carmichael 15. Wheelan 16. Mande 17. Levy 18. Christmas 19. Shaffir 20. Black

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