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Dino Binging: Watching the First Three Jurassic Park Films

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Dino Binging: Watching the First Three <i>Jurassic Park</i> Films

With the much-anticipated Jurassic World hitting the theaters, I thought it would be appropriate to revisit the movie that started it all: Jurassic Park. Then I thought, “Why not just binge-watch all three of them?” So I did. I went on this arduous journey that many others have probably decided to go on before the new one opens. I added The Lost World: Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park III to my iTunes rental cue and I just went for it—and live blogged (and Instagrammed) all of it for you r reading pleasure. I’m a huge fan of the original, but revisiting the two sequels was—how should I put this? Well, let’s just say I barely remember The Lost World and never even bothered with the third one. Nonetheless, I came out of the experience alive and unscathed. I hope you do, too.

Jurassic Park

0:00:00 - This is one of my favorites of all time, so I probably won’t have lots of bad things to say about it because I’ll be too busy enjoying all of its awesomeness.

0:00:25 - This eerie intro is courtesy of John Williams’ fantastic score. Please step forward if you, like me, were a band geek in the nineties who played part or all of it in concert or in a marching band show.

0:01:28 - The production design looks exactly like the outdated ride at Universal Studios Hollywood. (Note to the makers of rides at Universal Studios: now would be a better time than any for you to update that ride. Those animatronic dinosaurs are starting to rust.)

0:01:51 - Isla Nublar sounds like a Star Wars character.

0:02:55 - First dinosaur attack of the movie—and guess who the first victim is? A black man. Do horror movie clichés apply to this film as well?

0:03:49 - I know that when I plan a trip to the jungles of the Dominican Republic, I like to pack as many suits as possible—just like the one Donald (Martin Ferrero) wears. It would probably make the humid tropical weather more bearable.

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0:05:54 - Dr. Grant (Sam Neill) doesn’t seem like he trusts computers on digs. Just wait until 2015 when a computer can fit in the palm of your hands and you can use a cool thing called SnapChat perfect for sending pictures of fossilized dino private parts to your loved ones.

0:06:20 - It seems like the uniform for archeological digs includes lumberjack or denim button ups, aviator glasses, Timbaland boots, bandana neckerchiefs, bucket caps and a nice pair of khakis or jorts pulled up very high. This is all starting to look like a page from an Eddie Bauer or L.L. Bean catalog.

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0:07:39 - What is this awkward boy doing at a dig? Is this someone’s kid? Or does he just go wandering the Badlands looking for archeological digs to criticize? How have we gone this long without anyone noticing this?

0:08:45 - … and FYI: that is Stephanie Tanner’s friend, Duckface from Full House.

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0:13:40 - I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that Wayne Knight can’t play anyone outside of Newman or that Tommy Bahama shirt.

0:14:33 - Did you know about the ingenious Barbasol Jurassic World partnership? It’s quite clever.

0:15:35 - Again, I have to question the wardrobe choices—this time with Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum). If you know you’re going to a tropical environment, would you wear a leather jacket … or is that a blazer? And again this Donald dude is wearing a suit. This time with shorts. It’s like business on top, safari on the bottom.

0:20:26 - Remember how in awe we were when we saw all these dinosaurs? We were all freaking out on how it cool it was. It looked SOOOO real … and 22 years later these effects surprisingly hold up.

0:26:11 - Remember how we thought that extracting blood from a mosquito preserved in amber could bring dinosaurs back to life?

0:26:12 - … actually, maybe it could still happen.

0:26:13 - But don’t tell Ross from Friends that.

0:27:28 - Donald just called the workers “autoerotica” when he meant to say animatronic. We know where his mind is.

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Autoerotica in Jurassic Park.

A video posted by Dino-Ray Ramos (@dinoray) on



0:28:18 - Hey, it's B.D. Wong! (Apparently he survived the fall of Jurassic Park because he's in Jurassic World!)

0:34:34 - They say they would charge $2,000 – $10,000/day for admission to Jurassic Park, claiming that people would pay it. HELL TO THE NO.

0:35:40 - Why are they eating in a room that is constantly playing a slideshow? And how is Jeff Goldblum still be wearing that leather jacket?

0:38:16 - Ugh. Just what this movie needs: rambunctious kids.

0:45:10 - Someone meme'd this moment for us. A very YOU GO GIRL! Moment.

0:48:30 - So there just happened to be plastic glasses of water on each tour car for Dr. Malcolm to do his flirty chaos theory demonstration.

0:50:23 - If it were today, that sick Triceratops would have been played by Andy Serkis.

0:52:50 - “That is one big pile of sh*t.” For real. That pile of poop looks taller than the Triceratops. I especially like how no one is affected by the smell. I am just gagging thinking about it.

1:02:13 - Those glasses of water are there for anything else besides drinking.

1:04:46 - This is the point in the movie where the dumb-ass girl takes a flashlight and shines it all over the place in a panic because she thinks that will help.

1:05:00 - The T-Rex attack still gets me excited … and it is terrifying. I mean, it is one of the best scenes in movie history. It makes me tense up and think, “What would I do in this situation?” I know what I wouldn't do: shine a goddam flashlight like a moron.

1:07:55 - Universal Studios had the toilet where the lawyer got eaten on display in 1994. I remember posing on it. Anyways, that death scene is the best. It's what we all were waiting for. We wanted to see the T-Rex chow down on something. The fact he was on a toilet makes it even more satisfying.

1:09:26 - I wonder if at any point during the T-rex attack if Dr. Grant thought, “F*ck it, I'm just gonna leave these kids behind.”

1:11:54 - Dennis Nedry is a cross between Augustus Gloop and Chris Christie.

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1:14:54 - The girl is now hysterical. That would have been the perfect opportunity to slap her, no excuse needed.

1:16:11 - Tim ended up throwing up because the car he was in fell off a cliff and got stuck in a tree after the T-Rex attack. I would have done more than throw up.

1:18:50 - Wait a second … how could there be pieces of Genero all over the place? Didn't the T-Rex swallow him whole? At least we don't have to see that hideous shorts suit anymore. Maybe the T-Rex wasn't digging it either.

1:29:31 - How in the hell did little Timmy know that dinosaur has a cold? Is there a book for that?

1:29:58 - Ew. That dinosaur basically blew snot all over that girl. First she gets attacked by a T-Rex and now she has dino-boogers all over her. She just can't catch a break.

1:31:08 - Did he just smell the egg remnants? Gross.

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1:31:32 - Looks like dinosaurs are all growing up, having feelings for each other, exploring each other's bodies. They are gettin' freaky.

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DINOSAURS ARE KNOCKIN' DA BOOTS! #jurassicbinge

A video posted by Dino-Ray Ramos (@dinoray) on



1:31:36 - Gratuitous, seductive bare-chested Jeff Goldblum shot.

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BAE. #jurassicbinge

A video posted by Dino-Ray Ramos (@dinoray) on



1:36:40 - Sure, they let Sam Jackson go out on his own without protection, but for Laura Dern they'll give her a walkie and a partner with a gun.

1:39:02 - Laura Dern's exciting obstacle course run for the shed. Swinging from the branches is some Laura Croft realness.

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1:43:39 - Wouldn't 10,000 volts killed the little boy? Anyways, imagine how bad everyone smells.

1:47:20 - Damn. That reunion was intense. It looked like Laura Dern wanted to f*ck the hell out of Dr. Grant.

1:48:59 - It is so entertaining to see velociraptor hunting the kids and leaving them forever traumatized.

1:53:35 - MODERN TECHNOLOGY!!!

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1:56:54 - The more I see the velociraptors, the cuter they get – like the Geico Gecko.

1:57:25 - Oh look at who's coming to the rescue—T-Rex. I guess they're not complaining about him now, huh?

1:58:37 - I know what he's thinking: I wasted so much goddam money on this place.

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1:59:00 - So from what I get from the ending is that Hammond literally saw it fall apart before his eyes and that Dern and Dr. Grant want to have kids. But hey, dinosaurs are still fun, right? Um. okay. Anyways, I love this movie. I'll watch the hell out of it every time it's on.

That was fun … but now onto the sequel, The Lost World: Jurassic Park...

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