Hello, friends, and welcome to week seven. Did I think we would get this far? I am contractually obligated to believe we would get this far. But make no mistake: ‘tis a long road ahead, and a crippling crush on Xavier Woods shan’t carry me from here to April.
While at this point I can identify most wrestlers on sight at this point (except for Brock Lesnar, who I identify as concrete covered in man-skin), I’m still struggling to identify wrestling moves by their rightful names and descriptions. Fortunately, there is no shortage of videos full of moves that I can try to describe, like Top 10 Best of October 2014 or the insidious-sounding Brutal WWE Moves on Girls.
I promise not to cheat and look stuff up online and in honor of week seven, I will lay out the top seven wrestling moves that I totally understand and don’t need you to explain to me, thank you very much, though it you’d like to I promise not to cut you off. Just let me hash this out.
Move #1: Furniture Elbow
Seen here as executed by Dean Ambrose, the “furniture elbow” move can only be executed when a wrestler jumps from the ropes and slams their elbow in someone’s face where they will crash through a piece of furniture that has been (and this is important) pre-broken backstage. A creative move, furniture elbow can be used whenever unnecessary furniture is introduced into the ring, and is at its best when Seth Rollins is flailing out of context on the sidelines. Very cool!
Move #2: Eat a Dick Then Throw That Boy On The Ground Cause You Ain’t Gay, Baby!
Sin Cara is seen in full swing here picking someone up and nestling his cute face into his opponent’s crotch, and then time stands still as he realizes that while there is no issue with his sexual preference, this is an intimate moment intended for a hotel room or the back of someone’s SUV.
Upon realizing that he is lovingly nuzzling a man’s penis in front of a packed stadium, he rebels and boom! Throws his opponent down like it’s nothing. It never happened if you assault your partner after some light third base over-the-clothes action is the lesson!
Some call this move a Powerbomb, but I like to think of it as a psychological cocktease that ends with your head split open.
Move #3: The Proficient State Fitness Exam
Here we see Charlotte passing the Massachusetts State Fitness Exam with a grade of “proficient” in front of a large audience while simultaneously pinning her enemy Bayley, who totally wanted to go to prom with Big Show but she can’t go if she’s trapped. It’s the perfect plan! This move is not complete until Charlotte has proven she can swing on a rope for at least ten seconds, successfully perform one pushup and hold a BMI between 18 and 24.
I would like to interrupt this flawless move explainer to say that if anyone has pictures of Show at prom, please send them to me.