TLDR: I made you a present, pumpkins!
Needless Extrapolation: From time immemorial, merchandising has been the secret motivation behind any brand. Guess what, gang? Jesus was a six at best, but a six doesn’t sell weird religious candles at Dollar Tree, so he was given doe eyes and a set of v-neck robes. Am I calling Christianity a brand? You tell me! I snuck a bag of someone else’s Adderall through the TSA and I’m feeling punchy as hell.
Let’s talk merch. The good shit, not the ten dollars you spent on your friend’s band t-shirt.
The WWE’s merchandising strategy is about as subtle as a pumpkin through Miz’s head. Sure, there’s an entire John Cena pencil case division, but there are a few other merch items of note through the years.
Brie Bella Weave Hat
Are your Secret Bangs® still stuck in the mail? Do you have a tendency to sympathize with the weaker link? Is Kevin your favorite Backstreet Boy because you feel bad that they always make him wear a kilt but never let him sing? I still don’t know if that will make you want to buy this Brie Bella hat, because you’re also going to need to evaluate your feelings on the limpest weave I have ever seen in my life. You can just see Nikki patting her on the shoulder and saying, “Oh, honey.”
Daniel Bryan Flat-Brimmed Vagina
“Sorry, guys, can’t hang out tonight. I have to shampoo my trucker hat. :-)”
How much peyote did Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella do before signing off on these products? We may never know. What we do know is that the summer of ‘69 full bush is alive and well and superglued to a hat that says “Yes! Yes! Yes!,” Bryan’s catchphrase and the last words the lead WWE merchandising exec said before he was executed. (Please enjoy my favorite song about pubes.)
Always Pounding Ass T-Shirt
Here’s a delightful relic via the Acolytes Protection Agency tag team from the late 1990s consisting of muscle-boys Faarooq and Bradshaw. While this t-shirt reads more like a Captcha code than a marketing slogan, the boys encouraged fans to remind the world that they were “Always Pounding Ass” (each other’s? other people’s asses? targeted asses? human asses?), and that they had named a small business for it. Why is a protection agency opening a bar and grill? Whose asses are they protecting from being pounded, and how do they have time to keep a mom and pop bar open if they are, as advertised, always pounding ass?
It’s one thing if you’re always pounding ass, but please do not do so at this bar and grill. It is my son’s birthday and we are trying to have a nice night out.
The Rock Poontang Pie T-Shirt
When professional wrestlers are not always pounding ass, they are designing t-shirts to let women know that they will eat you like a rabid farm animal. This one’s tonedeaf even for the steel-erection Attitude Era, but you’ve got to respect the man-bull who will put on elbow pads before going to town on you for an entire episode of Ghost Hunters. Two taps on the head and a refund, please.
Big Show’s Vape
Just kidding, gang, this vape is not for sale. #BigShowVapes
Thoughts From the Week:
-Dolph versus Tyler on Smackdown! Punchin’ hunks! Produce in the squared circle!
-I like to watch Tyler Breeze’s selfie gimmick as if it’s ten years in the future and he’s become the most dated character of the decade.
-I’m in the middle of the Shatner-narrated Breaking Ground. Major NXT fan masturbation fodder, but it overlaps with my Shatner masturbation fodder so we good.
-Starting to think about potential Wrestlemania matchups—who do y’all think stand a chance to be the main event? If it’s Cena I promise I’ll self-harm.
-Emma and Dana are great together on NXT. They’re like high school girls on speed who secretly want to kiss.
-I was on a show called Spacebar with Machinima this past week talking a lot about the Big Show and how I self-identify as a teen goth idol. I can’t find any pictures of video footage so this may have also been a dream.
-For all you trivia-heads, what vape shop was Big Show endorsing last week? Your answer:
VAPOR RONNIE’S IN CRANSTON, RHODE ISLAND! Come for the show, stay for Ronnie’s reasonably priced juices and vapes! Remember, per Show: vaping = good. Drunk driving = bad. Cameo in Sisqo’s “Thong Song” music video = we were all young once. (1:18, honey, stop embarrassing yourself.)
Hours of Pro Wrestling Consumed: 128 hours
Days Until WrestleMania: 21 weeks, 3 days
State of Union: Shampooing my hat while I wait for this ass beer.
Now, to your special surprise. To add to your collection of texting gloves, garden gnomes, and sex toys with a printout of The Rock’s head superglued, a Heel to Face coloring book just for you, starting on the next page.
There aren’t nearly enough Divas in this thing, but I promise I’ll make it up to you with an entire novella about my feelings on Sasha later.
Print and color to your heart’s content, and remember that I love u.