Sure, Twitter is a great way to keep in touch with friends. It’s probably the most reliable method of staying up with news and current events—if something important happens, you’ll read about it on Twitter within minutes of it being reported. It’s a great conduit for information of all types, and that’s a major reason it’s become such a big part of many people’s online lives over the last decade.
Most importantly, though, it’s a way to make the entire world believe Bill Murray has the legal right to steal a Wu-Tang album from that pharma asshole.
If you read our regular galleries of funny tweets, you understand that Twitter’s greatest strength is as a joke delivery machine. It’s a pure shot of comedy from some of the greatest, most hilarious minds in the world, and f you’re wondering who makes the best use of that opportunity, just check out the list below. These are the funniest Twitter accounts of 2015, from professional comedians, writers and the semi-anonymous denizens of “Weird Twitter.” If you care about comedy on Twitter, you should follow every one of these people.
75. Seinfeld Current Day—@Seinfeld2000
Twitter Bio: Imagen Seinfeld was never canceled and still NBC comedy program today?
Best Recent Tweet: kram BERST into jerys apartment on hoverboard
hoverboard BERST into flames
Runner-Up: GERGE: she SUBTWEETED me
JERY: How do u know
GERG: I JUST KNOW
JERY: what r u gona do
GERGE: I already did it
gerge hold up garbage bag
74. Kevin Seccia—@kevinseccia
Twitter Bio: has only ever swung for the fences metaphorically
Best Recent Tweet: Top Films of 2015 7) Space Fight 6) Dumb Shit! 5) For Lady 4) Remember This, From Before?! 3) Sad Great Man 2) Angry Great Man 1) Gun Punch
Runner-Up: My wishes for 2016 are world peace, an end to hunger and for a funny lady comedian to get a show without a sexualized name attached to it.
73. Luke O’Neil—@lukeoneil47
Twitter Bio: Writer-at-large @esquire. Contributor to many fine publications and other bad ones. Large idiot.
Best Recent Tweet: I need a gun to protect myself against the tyrannical government, who I also universally support whenever they kill citizens.
Runner-Up: In the future you’ll be able to watch anything you want instantly and still remain an unsatisfiable piece of shit.
72. Allen Strickland Williams—@TotallyAllen
Twitter Bio: 420 friendly. No drama. Manic pixie dream boy. I did stand-up on CONAN. Profile photo by Megan Thompson. Header photo by Kelly Rose.
Best Recent Tweet: Every time my family asks me what I’m doing on my phone I have been sexting.
Runner-Up: I’m the fella with the hella good hair Taylor Swift is referring to in “Shake It Off”.
71. Breakfast Haver—@weedguy420boner
Twitter Bio: Not waving but clowning.
Best Recent Tweet: When I see people trawling Reddit for stupid stuff to repost here I’m like just have kids if you have so much free time to gawk at idiots
Runner-Up: Three is the ideal number of threats to have. More worried about a triple threat than a quadruple threat of I’m being honest
70. Shelby Fero—@shelbyfero
Twitter Bio: I’m not too crazy about me either. I write for TV Shows and The Internet http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0wvbkCAaA1rpo4ero1_500.jpg
Best Recent Tweet: Hungover, waiting at a Denny’s. Not hungry but trying to be polite, I’ve ordered a cup of soup and side of hashbrowns (a “Narc’s Delight”).
Runner-Up: You learn so much about your family listening to them talk to other people. Like woah what my moms a lawyer? I have a little brother??
69. Jon Daly—@jondaly
Twitter Bio: Jon
Best Recent Tweet: Aromatherapists: Any cool new scents for ‘16?
Runner-Up: .@KirkCameron Do you let your kids like Star Wars or must they pretend it’s evil or whatever?
68. Rob Wesley—@eastwes
Twitter Bio: Some Guy on Twitter
Best Recent Tweet: Instead of a Zuckerberg retread the new Lex Luthor should have been modeled after Neil deGrasse Tyson, trying to disprove Superman’s powers.
Runner-Up: Still say the biggest loss with print media will be the lack of ads for non-Christmas movies where they just slap santa hats on characters.
67. Bobby Big Wheel—@BobbyBigWheel
Twitter Bio: I mostly just type words into the box. They do not represent my employer’s positions.
Best Recent Tweet: “After watching Making A Murderer I needed to do something.” “Grueling social justice activism?” “No, giving Ken Kratz a bad Yelp review.”
Runner-Up: Growing up all I knew about Oklahoma was that Hank Hill thought it was stupid
66. Anna Drezen—@annadrezen
Twitter Bio: Let’s hold butts.
Best Recent Tweet: Shrek is NOT a virgin
Runner-Up: I could probs be a Rockette ‘cept I’m 4 ft tall & thick as shit & hate following the crowd also I can’t dance & smiling feels unnatural
65. Mary Houlihan—@maryhoulie
Twitter Bio: i’m a stand-up comedian and i paint stuff for people
Best Recent Tweet: bruce: u been rehearsin real hard so santa’ll bring u a new saxophone??
name one f*ckin thing i like that isnt saxophones
Runner-Up: CAN’T check facebook rn, i do NOT want anyone to spoil the finale of rob schneider’s netflix series
64. David J. Roth—@david_j_roth
Twitter Bio: Best American Sporpswriting. Contributing Editor at Vice Sports and co-founder of @Classical. Not the one from Van Halen or magic.
Best Recent Tweet: Trump has been speaking for 20 minutes now about how he “always goes straight for the cocktail shrimp” at buffets. The crowd’s loving it.
Runner-Up: It’s very pleasant and easy to imagine that the future of the discourse is partisan gloating based on whether it’s cold outside or not.
63. Julio Torres—@juliothesquare
Twitter Bio: comedian and esper
Best Recent Tweet: “Haha, woooooooow. You’re OBSESSED with me.” -me, after receiving a second audit from the IRS
Runner-Up: saw my hospital bill and thought ooooooof… what, did i get this with guac or something????
62. Hannibal Buress—@hannibalburess
Twitter Bio: hannibalburess.com/calendar
Best Recent Tweet: I just walked into my building the same time as my delivery food order got there in case you’re wondering what feeling like God is like.
Runner-Up: Watching Stevie wonder crack two Fetty Wap jokes and cover “my way” for a few seconds wasn’t something I thought I wanted but it was amazing
61. Maura Quint—@behindyourback
Twitter Bio: I still make mix CDs. Sometimes Man Cave Daily & Impersonals & Death and Taxes & Someecards & McSweeney’s let me write stuff for them. But mostly the CD thing.
Best Recent Tweet: 5 Ways To Tell If You’re Dating a Real Man
1 Is he strong
2 Is he soft
3 Is he agile
4 Does he leave hair on your bed
5 You’re dating a cat
Runner-Up: My mom is mad that my brother just showed up drunk to a family dinner and the takeway is I guess I’m a very sober-acting drunk.
60. Billy Eichner—@billyeichner
Twitter Bio: Emmy nom’d host – BILLY ON THE STREET! Thurs on @TruTV 10:30/930c or TBS Weds at midnite! DIFFICULT PEOPLE on @HULU! CRAIG on PARKS & REC! billyeichner on Insta
Best Recent Tweet: I want to remake Love Actually but with very ugly actors.
Runner-Up: I hate that Christmas isn’t about me.
59. Tom Scharpling—@scharpling
Twitter Bio: Host of The Best Show. Writer. Director. 1/2 of Scharpling & Wurster. Professional chump steamroller. REV IT UP IN 2014, RUN THEM OVER IN 2015.
Best Recent Tweet: I hope George Lucas creates a new space franchise even better than Star Wars and everyone loves it and he kills it off just to punish nerds
Runner-Up: Is it more likely that Johnny Manziel wins a Super Bowl ring or an AVN award? GIVE ME YOUR ANSWERS NOW
58. Megan Amram—@meganamram
Twitter Bio: it’s this weird, sexual, anti-comedy comedy that’s ‘in’ right now. – my mom
Best Recent Tweet: Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Runner-Up: My ideal portion size is “four sets of utensils in the delivery bag”
57. Nick Wiger—@nickwiger
Twitter Bio: Hick tiger. Hunk
Best Recent Tweet: VI > VII > IV > V > I > III > II
...relax nerds, I’m talking about final fantasies ????
Runner-Up: Michael Bays new movie is called 13 Hours… What it’s about, a trip to the DMV.
“Thanks for following in 2015” -Nick Wiger
56. Michael Ian Black—@michaelianblack
Twitter Bio: Noted (((expert))).
Best Recent Tweet: And so 2015 ends just as it began, with Dick Clark rotting in his grave.
Runner-Up: Yes, Christmas is over but that doesn’t mean you have to stop hating your family.
55. Zoe Klar—@zoeklar
Twitter Bio: B-Cup • http://instagram.com/zoeklar
Best Recent Tweet: the two things i will never do on an airplane are relax and enjoy the flight.
Runner-Up: get your disgusting family off my newsfeed
54. Rory Scovel—@roryscovel
Twitter Bio: [blank]
Best Recent Tweet: Would u rather ur 5 month old talk and say she hates u or not talk at all ever but u know she’s thinking that she hates u? #dadproblems
Runner-Up: Fine, I’ll bite. Whats Star Wars?
53. Sara Schaefer—@saraschaefer1
Twitter Bio: Comedian. Stand up album: apple.co/1NEK8Ma
Podcast LIES: wnyc.org/shows/lies/ So many other things. saraschaefer.com
Best Recent Tweet: Instagram has this neat feature that if you look back far enough into someone’s photos, you WILL find evidence that they hate you!
Runner-Up: The greatest act of kindness on Xmas is not looking up your dad’s favorite story on Snopes & sharing the results with your whole family
Twitter Bio: If you’re not wearing pants, I won’t light this candle.
Best Recent Tweet: Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Runner-Up: It’s like my grandpa always said, “Shut the fuck up and give me your lunch money.”
51. TV Helper—@TVCommentBot
Twitter Bio: I am a robot that watches TV and improves it with new dialogue. Brought to you by @DavidLublin and friends.
Best Recent Tweet: If it’s animal sacrifice it has to be good!
Runner-Up: This is known to be the same cupcake worn by the killer.
50. Megan Koester—@bornferal
Twitter Bio: I am a daughter of the Golden West.
Best Recent Tweet: I’ll empty my DivaCup™ on your grave
Runner-Up: HOLIDAY STATUS UPDATE: Stifling the urge to ask my teen cousins if they brought weed to my grandmother’s house
49. Jonnifer Lopez—@senderblock23
Twitter Bio: nincompoop
Best Recent Tweet: Crazy but true: I have never been wrong about anything
Runner-Up: I’ve been penetrating the internet for years
48. Andy Richter—@AndyRichter
Twitter Bio: actor/writer from Midwestern U.S., married to @SarahThyre, father of two
Best Recent Tweet: o fucked up on myrrh rn
Runner-Up: Sometimes life makes perfect sense. For instance, there’s a classical music DJ on Sirius XM named Preston Trombly
47. Marcella Arguello—@marcellacomedy
Twitter Bio: Stop asking why I’m so mean and start asking why ya moms raised a punk ass bitch. // As seen on NBC and nothing else!!
Best Recent Tweet: Guy told me he didn’t know I could cook because I don’t instagram food pics. I don’t post pics of my vagina either u think I ain’t got that?
Runner-Up: I feel like I could get away with murder if I had hazel eyes.
46. Karen Kilgariff—@KarenKilgariff
Twitter Bio: TV/VCR Repair
Best Recent Tweet: My niece went to bed but left the Disney Channel on every show looks and sounds like skit night at the mega church
Runner-Up: I like visiting my family because they’re genuinely impressed by how many Jeopardy questions I guess right
45. Asterios Kokkinos—@asterios
Twitter Bio: the good boy of comedy
Best Recent Tweet: Wow, all football teams would win more games if they’d listen to the loud, angry drunks on this train
Runner-Up: SON OF BLART
THE 45 YEAR OLD MALLRATS
PAUL BLART 3: MALLRATS 2
44. priscilla page—@BBW_BFF
Twitter Bio: stygian as fuck http://pantyhouse.tumblr.com & http://motorpsych.tumblr.com
Best Recent Tweet: PRO TIP: start every writing project asking yourself the big question, “what would make my dick explode”
Runner-Up: THE MEAT is my favorite Rocky character
43. Hampton Yount—@HamptonYount
Twitter Bio: PROUD blart. http://hamptonyount.com
Best Recent Tweet: Fist fighting is two men crying at each other with their hands
Runner-Up: SPOILER: it sucks C-3PO had to get a new arm and penis from masturbating too much
42. Mike F—@animaldrumss
Twitter Bio: I make stuff with wood and i tell jokes. I know most of the states and all of the meals. ask.fm/animaldrumsspatreon.com/animaldrums
Best Recent Tweet: the post office is always losing money, but i have an idea for them. they should stop taking stuff fuckin across the countyr for 49 cents
Runner-Up: its time to face facts. the only reason people think the 1920s was a golden age of cinema is cause you were allowed to blaze in the theater
41. Neil Hamburger—@NeilHamburger
Twitter Bio: America’s $1 Funnyman
Best Recent Tweet: Dump rotting skin and bones into acid; dye the resulting slop cheerful colors; feed it to kids. Why was Cosby EVER trusted?
Runner-Up: Any of his retweets of people who got food poisoning at Taco Bell or his angry responses to fast food restaurants.—Ed.
40. Julie Klausner—@julieklausner
Twitter Bio: I created Difficult People and I have lots of love to give.
Best Recent Tweet: Finally watching the Malala documentary and I can’t believe all she accomplished after she invented the Miracle Mop
Runner-Up: “2015, the year we listened to more jazz” was the last headline she read w/the word “we” in it that made her quit the internet forever
39. Debra DiGiovanni—@debradigiovanni
Twitter Bio: I’m a comedian, but I tell taxi drivers I’m a happily married housewife with kids.
Best Recent Tweet: I was almost named Donna. I wonder what my life would’ve been like?
(MONTAGE OF ME LIVING A LIFE OF CRIME AS DONNA, A BLONDE IN A JUMPSUIT)
Runner-Up: Every once in awhile I’ll forget that I’m a miracle of birth (a twin) and then my mom reminds me by calling me ‘that second one’.
38. Abbi Crutchfield—@curlycomedy
Twitter Bio: Comedian • Contributor @Someecards • curlycomedy on Instagram
Best Recent Tweet: There should be a rude bot that just replies to tweets with “rude.”
Runner-Up: I can’t get rid of my under-eye bags no matter how late I stay up working on a solution.
37. Katie McVay—@katiemcvay
Twitter Bio: Smash dicks, get rich. Helped make @TheComedyExpo, @YellYouBetter, and also my mother cry once.
Best Recent Tweet: Many blessings to the man who has just messaged me a description of his six shirts and wants to know why he needs to buy more.
Runner-Up: People who live where they grew up: Do you not have any ghosts you are desperately trying to outrun, or do you just love being haunted?
36. Eric Dadourian—@ericdadourian
Twitter Bio: Juilliard
Best Recent Tweet: Using a 3 in the place of an E is one of the all time smoothest moves you can pull.
Runner-Up: I got a tattoo because it was free and that’s kind of how I joined Scientology.
35. Jeff Lyons—@usedwigs
Twitter Bio: Executive Producer of ‘Nephew Swap’
Best Recent Tweet: “It’s been a hell of a run…” I whisper as I open the hamper and gently toss in the sweatpants I’ve been wearing the last 9 days.
Runner-Up: Don’t want to ruin anyone’s #NewYearsEve but Pitbull just fell off the tightrope during Pitbull’s New Year’s Eve Tightrope Party. He’s Dead.
34. April Richardson—@Apey
Twitter Bio: I should’ve started R.A.P.E. — Rappers Against Phony Entertainers. http://aprilrichardson.com
Best Recent Tweet: Update on new favorite emoji combo: cool muscle guy / flexing on you
Runner-Up: “I am an absolute and total authority on this thing I have been doing for five minutes, so read on.” — almost every article on the Internet
33. Siobhan Thompson—@vornietom
Twitter Bio: I write for College Humor but also, like, for myself, ya know?
Best Recent Tweet: So do you think Bill Cosby will yell at the other inmates for sagging their pants or what
Runner-Up: Christmas Instagrams are great because you get to see which of your friends grew up in houses with multiple chandeliers
32. so sad today—@sosadtoday
Twitter Bio: lady macbeth // firstname.lastname@example.org // http://www.vice.com/author/So-Sad-Today
Best Recent Tweet: “I’ve reached the point where I just don’t care anymore” —me every day
Runner-Up: she died as she lived, tweeting while crossing the street
31. Norm MacDonald—@normmacdonald
Twitter Bio: This is my official twitter i like bananas. theyre yellow.
Best Recent Tweet: [He deletes them all so we don’t remember. He’s worth following though!—Ed.]
30. Rob Huebel—@robhuebel
Twitter Bio: I give medicinal cocaine to baby animals
Best Recent Tweet: Just saw a lady in Santa hat get thrown off a Southwest flight but I don’t think that was why
Runner-Up: Heads up if you got married by a snowman you pretended was a Parson your marriage doesn’t count and you can walk away anytime
29. Ian Karmel—@IanKarmel
Twitter Bio: One of America’s top 100 Ians. Comedian. Writer. Late Late Show, Chelsea Lately, Portland Mercury, Nike.
Best Recent Tweet: Do any of you ever picture me rolling?
Runner-Up: In a world full of Kardashians… Be an Ian Karmel.
28. Julieanne Smolinski—@BoobsRadley
Twitter Bio: kindly old witch.
Best Recent Tweet: “Rough night?” asked the bartender. “Yeah,” I replied. “TV and movies gave me false expectations about your interest in my personal life.”
Runner-Up: I’m too old to be on “The Real World” and too young to run for president. So I guess I’m just supposed to, like, “hang out.”
27. Allie Goertz—@AllieGoertz
Twitter Bio: I write nerdy love songs and @simpsonspod. Social Media Producer for @midnight. #RickAndMortyAlbum available now! http://bit.ly/1YvAgMG
Best Recent Tweet: ME: We broke up last night. He thinks I’m in love with you. He’s right.
Runner-Up: THERAPIST: Does he take you to dinner? Does he tell you he loves you?
BEATLES GIRLFRIEND: He… let’s me drive his car?
26. Jeb Lund—@Mobute
Twitter Bio: Columnist: Guardian, Rolling Stone. Sometimes: Awl, Classical, Deadspin, Esquire, GQ, SBNation, TNR, Vice, Gawker, SportsOnEarth. Registered sexhaver.
Best Recent Tweet: At what age can Minions consent? Looking for any help here. No trolls.
Runner-Up: As I have again not become a participant in the Lexus December to Remember Sales Event, I will be forgetting this month entirely in 6 days.
25. extremely online guy—nickmullen
Twitter Bio: completely logged in, bitch
Best Recent Tweet: I lied about nothing! When I said I was a 9/11 first responder I meant I was one of the first ppl to be like “damn” when I heard about 9/11
Runner-Up: The common greeting “g’sex” comes from the middle English expression “and good gay sex to ye”
24. Mark Agee—@MarkAgee
Twitter Bio: Standup. I wrote for a Comedy Central talk show too few people watched. I’m currently writing a thing for a thing. You don’t care.
Best Recent Tweet: Did everyone achieve their 2015 resol- haha I can’t even finish it, just wanted to remind you that you’re a piece of shit
Runner-Up: Children are just tiny terrorists you can’t report to anybody
23. Aparna Nancherla—@aparnapkin
Twitter Bio: I am a scrunched up napkin with recyclable dreams. Also a comedian in some cultures. Total drag in others.
Best Recent Tweet: no better proof of “nature finds a way” than that people who are drunk out of their minds still know exactly what train stop to get off at
Runer-Up: My psychiatrist just texted me “nope” & it feels like context is a formality at this point
22. Dave Itzkoff—@ditzkoff
Twitter Bio: ‘’As a Jew, I’m very judgmental. As a street Jew, doubly so.’’ —Sidney Lumet
Best Recent Tweet: If either party has a brokered presidential convention, it has to be hosted by Steve Harvey.
Runner-Up: Why can’t Hillary do Broad City? Nathan For You has been running Ben Carson as a candidate for months now
21. Chelsea Peretti—@chelseaperetti
Twitter Bio: One of the Greats. Brooklyn Nine Nine. Hour stand-up special on Netflix. Podcast on itunes. CAPS AREN’T YELLING THEY R ACTION MOVIE LEVEL INTENSITY TWEETING.
Best Recent Tweet: I should clarify: Merry Christmas to verifieds with over 10k followers at the very least ONLY
Runner-Up: THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY WAS SEEING @kevin_nealon WALTZING AROUND ON THE LOT W HIS AGENTS #BIGSHOT #FAME #NEALON #KEVIN #Hollywood
Twitter Bio: [blank]
Best Recent Tweet: I don’t want to sound like a prick, but I love my family
Runner-Up: My 1 year old just loves his iPad. His eyes glow red and he starts vomiting black sludge if you try to take it away from him
19. Lane Moore—@hellolanemoore
Twitter Bio: Stand-Up Comedian/Writer (The Onion, McSweeney’s), Sex & Relationships Editor @Cosmopolitan.com, Creator of #TinderLive, Musician in: facebook.com/itwasromance
Best Recent Tweet: Everclear: i wanna write a song about how hard it was being a white boy in a black neighborhood Manager:i see no problem with that its 1997
Runner-Up: the fact that we still have not had a porn star named Lindsey Fuckingham is unacceptable
18. Lauren Ashley Bishop—@sbellelauren
Twitter Bio: i’m a comedian from arkansas. i live in LA. but i comede all over. avatar by @nataliedeehttp://weakendupdate.tumblr.com
Best Recent Tweet: it’s christmas eve! not christmas steve!
Runner-Up: hi can i have a to-go box so i can eat the rest of this immediately when i get home?
17. Emily Heller—@MrEmilyHeller
Twitter Bio: Comedian (Conan, @midnight); TV writer; celebrity tarot faker; Baby Geniuses podcaster; me & @unclenatie run Suck My Dick New Yorker. Buy my album GOOD FOR HER
Best Recent Tweet: All people love two things: sex, and showing off. That’s why I’m pleased to present my latest venture – The Doing It Charm Bracelet™
Runner-Up: If I could tell 15 year old me one thing it’s a tie between “break up with that shitty guy” and “enjoy button-downs before the tits come in”
16. jon hendren—@fart
Twitter Bio: silicon valley’s most influential thought leader, @devops thought lord, and award-winning IT security expert
Best Recent Tweet: rat tail hacks: dip your rat tail in soup and then suck on it to get the soup out
Runner-Up: if a first responders ever did cpr really bad and a dying guy said “more like worst responder” i bet that sticks with them a while
15. Kumail Nanjiani—@kumailn
Twitter Bio: Silicon Valley. Portlandia. Adventure Time. The Meltdown w Jonah & Kumail. The Indoor Kids. The X-Files Files. Activist.
Best Recent Tweet: “We both knew this day would come,” said Cosby as he grabbed the special, never-before-worn sweater all the way in the back of the closet.
Runner-Up: I’m actually pro-global warming. The earth is trying to kill us all the time. Snakes, cliffs, etc. This is our chance to fight back.
Twitter Bio: My mother’s Italian, my father’s Jewish and I should be in therapy. Valar morghulis.
Best Recent Tweet: Turns out a “baby monitor” isn’t a tiny lizard I am very disappointed also is there a way to put these things on mute?
Runner-Up: I can’t believe it’s almost 2016 and I’m still mentally writing “Spoiler alert: You lose” on every confederate flag I see.
13. Lynn Bixenspan—@lynnbixenspan
Twitter Bio: I’m so chill they call me a calmedian
Best Recent Tweet: Fact: Bernie’s full name is Bertnernie Sanders.
Runner-Up: Wait a second I just realized if someone says “I don’t want a relationship” what they ACTUALLY mean is “I don’t want a relationship”
12. Todd Barry—@toddbarry
Twitter Bio: THE CROWD WORK TOUR special on @NETFLIX or $5 louisck.net. Sample here youtu.be/bNWAeEohpOQ Tour bit.ly/toddbarrytour Also, @ToddBarryPdcast
Best Recent Tweet: Was hoping to make $100 million this year, but unless I get a list-minute gig that pays $40 million, I don’t think it’s gonna happen!
Runner-Up: Ate Japanese food in NY for the first time since returning from Japan. Walked in the restaurant with a real “this guy gets it” look.
Twitter Bio: emailing me is now a criminal offense
Best Recent Tweet: its fucked up how there are like 1000 christmas songs but only 1 song aboutr the boys being back in town
Runner-Up: this website seems more & more like a place where elitist daddys boys can show off how ‘CLEVER” they are, instead of a source for bra advice
10. George Wallace—@MrGeorgeWallace
Twitter Bio: The Official George Wallace Twitter. Trying to serve it up with hot sauce for you. God bless.
Best Recent Tweet: I’ll straight up eat breakfast while watchin’ Dinner for Schmucks and eat dinner while watchin’ Breakfast Club I don’t give a shit anymore.
Runner-Up: I’m sick as hell of folks watchin’ me whip but then lookin’ away when I nae nae.
9. Jake Weisman—@weismanjake
Twitter Bio: Comedian, Diva – Email me at JakeWeismanComedy@Gmail.com
Best Recent Tweet: Whenever someone describes themselves as a free thinker in their Twitter bio, it’s like, watch out world, we are about to hear some stuff
Runner-Up: Attention porn stars: Thank you. You give so much to so many people. I am sorry people are mean to you when you make them cum consistently.
8. Alison Stevenson—@JustAboutGlad
Twitter Bio: Female Comedienne & Girl Writer http://www.vice.com/series/girl-writer …
Best Recent Tweet: I identify as a health goth who is on her cheat day every day
Runner-Up: I’m TOO GOOD at coming
7. Joe Mande—@joemande
Twitter Bio: twitter is trash and facebook’s the devil i bought a million followers for like $400 none of this shit matters antarctica is melting
Best Recent Tweet: the movie Joy except about the shamwow guy
Runner-Up: what good is the Internet if you can’t find out how many times they say the words “Pootie Tang” in the movie Pootie Tang
6. Demi Adejuyigbe—@electrolemon
Twitter Bio: like idris elba, but from a distance with your glasses off and you don’t remember what he looks like too good (@midnight /@gilmoreguysshow / writer)
Best Recent Tweet: STAR WARS SPOILER: ok now that the nerds stopped reading, my parents are outta town and i’m throwin a party. my brother’s gonna buy us beer
Runner-Up: every time i say “michael b. jordan” i lean in and pronounce it the way a def jam comic says “women be shoppin”
5. Dana Schwartz—@DanaSchwartzzz
Twitter Bio: Writer for things. See also:@GuyInYourMFA, @DystopianYA. Email DJSchwartz7@gmail.com
Best Recent Tweet: My phone autocorrects “Dana” to “xanax” which is some low key shade from my phone that I do not appreciate
Runner-Up: ok but bernie, if everyone gets a college education it’s going to be that much harder for me to feel superior to people, did u think of that
4. Josh Androsky—@ShutUpAndrosky
Twitter Bio: xXx PROUD member of the media xXx wrote for billy on the street+spongebob, appeared on this american life http://www.whatisbenghazi.com @babe__island
Best Recent Tweet: a great way to get away with farting in front of your new boyfriend’s family is to say you were “visited by the ghost of christmas ass.”
Runner-Up: THE ONLY HGH PEYTON MANNING EVER HAD WAS PAPA JOHN’S HAWAIIAN GARLIC HAM PIZZA.
3. Bridger Winegar—@bridger_w
Twitter Bio: Here we are on our third date
Best Recent Tweet: I don’t get depressed around the holidays, but I do stay depressed
Runner-Up: For me, nothing is as relaxing as getting behind the wheel, turning the stereo to full volume, and trying to find an address
2. Daniel Kibblesmith—@kibblesmith
Twitter Bio: Writer, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert; Comics; Co-Author of Humor Book HOW TO WIN AT EVERYTHING: http://bit.ly/howtowinbook
Best Recent Tweet: “Good news Mr. Kibblesmith, you have been approved for an Eastern European mail-order bride.”
[I lower my sunglasses]
Runner-Up: What if you were on a desert island and you looked at your friend and he looked like a big hot pocket you’d have to think long and hard
1. Josh Gondelman—@joshgondelman
Twitter Bio: Writer, @LastWeekTonight With John Oliver. Co-author, @SeinfeldToday. Also co-author of a book you can buy RIGHT NOW: http://bit.ly/1MRmRYU
Best Recent Tweet: The thing I miss about underage drinking is there were no snobs. No one showed up to the woods and was like: “What kind of IPA do you have?”
Runner-Up: Imagine getting a sex talk from Prince. It’d sound like very tender auto maintenance or outer space agriculture.