Twitter Bio: [blank]
Best Recent Tweet: I don’t want to sound like a prick, but I love my family
Runner-Up: My 1 year old just loves his iPad. His eyes glow red and he starts vomiting black sludge if you try to take it away from him
19. Lane Moore—@hellolanemoore
Twitter Bio: Stand-Up Comedian/Writer (The Onion, McSweeney’s), Sex & Relationships Editor @Cosmopolitan.com, Creator of #TinderLive, Musician in: facebook.com/itwasromance
Best Recent Tweet: Everclear: i wanna write a song about how hard it was being a white boy in a black neighborhood Manager:i see no problem with that its 1997
Runner-Up: the fact that we still have not had a porn star named Lindsey Fuckingham is unacceptable
18. Lauren Ashley Bishop—@sbellelauren
Twitter Bio: i’m a comedian from arkansas. i live in LA. but i comede all over. avatar by @nataliedeehttp://weakendupdate.tumblr.com
Best Recent Tweet: it’s christmas eve! not christmas steve!
Runner-Up: hi can i have a to-go box so i can eat the rest of this immediately when i get home?
17. Emily Heller—@MrEmilyHeller
Twitter Bio: Comedian (Conan, @midnight); TV writer; celebrity tarot faker; Baby Geniuses podcaster; me & @unclenatie run Suck My Dick New Yorker. Buy my album GOOD FOR HER
Best Recent Tweet: All people love two things: sex, and showing off. That’s why I’m pleased to present my latest venture – The Doing It Charm Bracelet™
Runner-Up: If I could tell 15 year old me one thing it’s a tie between “break up with that shitty guy” and “enjoy button-downs before the tits come in”
16. jon hendren—@fart
Twitter Bio: silicon valley’s most influential thought leader, @devops thought lord, and award-winning IT security expert
Best Recent Tweet: rat tail hacks: dip your rat tail in soup and then suck on it to get the soup out
Runner-Up: if a first responders ever did cpr really bad and a dying guy said “more like worst responder” i bet that sticks with them a while
15. Kumail Nanjiani—@kumailn
Twitter Bio: Silicon Valley. Portlandia. Adventure Time. The Meltdown w Jonah & Kumail. The Indoor Kids. The X-Files Files. Activist.
Best Recent Tweet: “We both knew this day would come,” said Cosby as he grabbed the special, never-before-worn sweater all the way in the back of the closet.
Runner-Up: I’m actually pro-global warming. The earth is trying to kill us all the time. Snakes, cliffs, etc. This is our chance to fight back.
Twitter Bio: My mother’s Italian, my father’s Jewish and I should be in therapy. Valar morghulis.
Best Recent Tweet: Turns out a “baby monitor” isn’t a tiny lizard I am very disappointed also is there a way to put these things on mute?
Runner-Up: I can’t believe it’s almost 2016 and I’m still mentally writing “Spoiler alert: You lose” on every confederate flag I see.
13. Lynn Bixenspan—@lynnbixenspan
Twitter Bio: I’m so chill they call me a calmedian
Best Recent Tweet: Fact: Bernie’s full name is Bertnernie Sanders.
Runner-Up: Wait a second I just realized if someone says “I don’t want a relationship” what they ACTUALLY mean is “I don’t want a relationship”
12. Todd Barry—@toddbarry
Twitter Bio: THE CROWD WORK TOUR special on @NETFLIX or $5 louisck.net. Sample here youtu.be/bNWAeEohpOQ Tour bit.ly/toddbarrytour Also, @ToddBarryPdcast
Best Recent Tweet: Was hoping to make $100 million this year, but unless I get a list-minute gig that pays $40 million, I don’t think it’s gonna happen!
Runner-Up: Ate Japanese food in NY for the first time since returning from Japan. Walked in the restaurant with a real “this guy gets it” look.
Twitter Bio: emailing me is now a criminal offense
Best Recent Tweet: its fucked up how there are like 1000 christmas songs but only 1 song aboutr the boys being back in town
Runner-Up: this website seems more & more like a place where elitist daddys boys can show off how ‘CLEVER” they are, instead of a source for bra advice
10. George Wallace—@MrGeorgeWallace
Twitter Bio: The Official George Wallace Twitter. Trying to serve it up with hot sauce for you. God bless.
Best Recent Tweet: I’ll straight up eat breakfast while watchin’ Dinner for Schmucks and eat dinner while watchin’ Breakfast Club I don’t give a shit anymore.
Runner-Up: I’m sick as hell of folks watchin’ me whip but then lookin’ away when I nae nae.
9. Jake Weisman—@weismanjake
Twitter Bio: Comedian, Diva – Email me at JakeWeismanComedy@Gmail.com
Best Recent Tweet: Whenever someone describes themselves as a free thinker in their Twitter bio, it’s like, watch out world, we are about to hear some stuff
Runner-Up: Attention porn stars: Thank you. You give so much to so many people. I am sorry people are mean to you when you make them cum consistently.
8. Alison Stevenson—@JustAboutGlad
Twitter Bio: Female Comedienne & Girl Writer http://www.vice.com/series/girl-writer …
Best Recent Tweet: I identify as a health goth who is on her cheat day every day
Runner-Up: I’m TOO GOOD at coming
7. Joe Mande—@joemande
Twitter Bio: twitter is trash and facebook’s the devil i bought a million followers for like $400 none of this shit matters antarctica is melting
Best Recent Tweet: the movie Joy except about the shamwow guy
Runner-Up: what good is the Internet if you can’t find out how many times they say the words “Pootie Tang” in the movie Pootie Tang
6. Demi Adejuyigbe—@electrolemon
Twitter Bio: like idris elba, but from a distance with your glasses off and you don’t remember what he looks like too good (@midnight /@gilmoreguysshow / writer)
Best Recent Tweet: STAR WARS SPOILER: ok now that the nerds stopped reading, my parents are outta town and i’m throwin a party. my brother’s gonna buy us beer
Runner-Up: every time i say “michael b. jordan” i lean in and pronounce it the way a def jam comic says “women be shoppin”
5. Dana Schwartz—@DanaSchwartzzz
Twitter Bio: Writer for things. See also:@GuyInYourMFA, @DystopianYA. Email DJSchwartz7@gmail.com
Best Recent Tweet: My phone autocorrects “Dana” to “xanax” which is some low key shade from my phone that I do not appreciate
Runner-Up: ok but bernie, if everyone gets a college education it’s going to be that much harder for me to feel superior to people, did u think of that
4. Josh Androsky—@ShutUpAndrosky
Twitter Bio: xXx PROUD member of the media xXx wrote for billy on the street+spongebob, appeared on this american life http://www.whatisbenghazi.com @babe__island
Best Recent Tweet: a great way to get away with farting in front of your new boyfriend’s family is to say you were “visited by the ghost of christmas ass.”
Runner-Up: THE ONLY HGH PEYTON MANNING EVER HAD WAS PAPA JOHN’S HAWAIIAN GARLIC HAM PIZZA.
3. Bridger Winegar—@bridger_w
Twitter Bio: Here we are on our third date
Best Recent Tweet: I don’t get depressed around the holidays, but I do stay depressed
Runner-Up: For me, nothing is as relaxing as getting behind the wheel, turning the stereo to full volume, and trying to find an address
2. Daniel Kibblesmith—@kibblesmith
Twitter Bio: Writer, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert; Comics; Co-Author of Humor Book HOW TO WIN AT EVERYTHING: http://bit.ly/howtowinbook
Best Recent Tweet: “Good news Mr. Kibblesmith, you have been approved for an Eastern European mail-order bride.”
[I lower my sunglasses]
Runner-Up: What if you were on a desert island and you looked at your friend and he looked like a big hot pocket you’d have to think long and hard
1. Josh Gondelman—@joshgondelman
Twitter Bio: Writer, @LastWeekTonight With John Oliver. Co-author, @SeinfeldToday. Also co-author of a book you can buy RIGHT NOW: http://bit.ly/1MRmRYU
Best Recent Tweet: The thing I miss about underage drinking is there were no snobs. No one showed up to the woods and was like: “What kind of IPA do you have?”
Runner-Up: Imagine getting a sex talk from Prince. It’d sound like very tender auto maintenance or outer space agriculture.