The Oscars Non-Drinking Game

The Oscars, Hollywood’s night of a thousand stars and their publicists, is right outside your door (now testify). If you’re unable to drink, either because of an allergy, court order or desire to not nurse an André-induced hangover the next day, fret not—you can have just as much fun teetotaling as tying one on by playing this fun, flirty faux-drinking game, thoughtfully separated by category.

Red Carpet

Photo by Jason Merritt / Getty

• Whenever you see Jennifer Lawrence “adorkably” photobomb someone above her pay grade, reminisce about the simpler time wherein we as a culture once considered such antics charming.

• For every vertebrae you can see in Giuliana Rancic’s spine, do a sit up, you fat pig.

Host Open

• Every time Chris Rock tells a scathing joke about racial inequities in Hollywood, wonder how many middle aged Jewish guys it took to write said joke.

• While watching Rock half heartedly sing and dance, know the man has children to put through college.

Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role

• Raise your eyebrows. Know that, while you might live in a studio apartment and he lives in a mansion, your ability to do so is something Sylvester Stallone lacks.

Crowd Shots

Photo by Kevin Winter / Getty

• Whenever the camera cuts to Leonardo DiCaprio, wonder how long it’s been since he last vaped. (Unless, of course, he’s caught actually vaping.)

• Whenever the camera cuts to Quentin Tarantino, try saying the N-word and see if you get away with it.

• Whenever the camera cuts to Harvey Weinstein, throw up.

Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role

• If Jennifer Jason Leigh wins, feel joy that she didn’t spend three hours getting mock beaten in vain.

Best Animated Feature Film

• When Anomalisa loses to Inside Out, call in a bomb threat to the Dolby Theater.

• Actually, wanna just come over to my place and watch Anomalisa? I have a screener. It’s really not as depressing as people say it is, I swear.

Achievement in Production Design

Photo by Ian Boggs

• At this point, the show will invariably be lagging. Take a smoke break—you earned it! Don’t smoke? Start!

Achievement in Cinematography

• While amazing scenes of technical acumen are shown, nudge whoever’s sitting next to you and say, “My drone coulda done that.”

Best Documentary Feature

• Remember when Michael Moore permanently ruined the medium of documentary filmmaking by inserting himself as the primary subject in every goddamned film he made? Eat some salsa and silently stare off into the middle distance.

When Everyone’s Live Tweeting But You

• Use this golden opportunity to rifle through your friend’s coat pockets.

• Use the money you get from said pockets to buy an iPhone 6s.

• Become a Vine celebrity. Twitter celebs don’t get signed by WME.

The In Memoriam Montage

• Ask aloud, to no one in particular, “Why isn’t Amy Pascal’s career in this?”

Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Song)

Photo by Dan Callister / Getty

• Remember when Aimee Mann lost to Phil Collins (for a song on the Tarzan soundtrack, for Christ’s sake) and get violently upset all over again.

• Remember when Elliott Smith lost to Celine Dion (for a song on the Titanic soundtrack, for Christ’s sake) and do the same.

Best Original Screenplay

• No matter what wins, meet me at the Tarzana Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in 20 minutes. We can write a better screenplay than that. I’m thinking something about a white person in their late 20s who hasn’t “figured it out yet.”

• Did you know Save the Cat, a.k.a. the Bible of screenwriting, was penned by a man who wrote only two screenplays: Blank Check and Stop: Or My Mom Will Shoot? Eat some hummus and silently stare off into the middle distance.

Achievement in Directing

• When The Revenant wins, remind your friends that the only two women in it are a ghost and a rape victim.

Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role

• Think about how much braver Eddie Redmayne’s performance in The Danish Girl was than an actual transperson’s would have been.

Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role

• Cate Blanchett’s probably going to win for Carol. If you haven’t seen it yet, here’s an easy way to save $15—just close your eyes and remember sharing longing, forbidden glances in the halls with your fellow female high school students.

Best Motion Picture of the Year

• When The Revenant wins, re-remind your friends that the only two women in it are a ghost and a rape victim. Get ejected from whatever lame party you’re at, come over to my place and watch my screener of Anomalisa. It’s really not as depressing as people say it is, I swear.

Megan Koester is a writer and comedian (obviously) who lives in Los Angeles (somewhat less obviously). You can follow her on Twitter at @bornferal. While she appreciates your Facebook friend request, she probably will not accept it.