Looks like Sharon just can’t win at the moment. Now that she’s finally bonded with baby Muireann, she’s got Rob on her ass, accusing her of being like Gollum—the way she’s “hunched over her like, don’t touch my precious, stay away from my precious.” He may have been able to make a point, had it not been for his giant boner getting in the way of his snarky speech. You see, he was trying to get laid, apparently turned on by the lullaby playing over Muireann’s crib. But Sharon was too distracted by the beauty that is her baby and frankly, the lullaby wasn’t really working for her either.
Sharon and Rob aren’t the only ones with a problem in the bedroom. Their friends Fran and Chris have recently separated and are now free to explore their wildest fantasies. After a year of Chris pretending to sleep when Fran came to bed, offering nothing but “snores, sleepy little fidgets, the odd fart,” she has decided to take a lover. Chris on the other hand is toying with the idea of getting his hands on a woman with a penis. To prevent the same thing from happening to Sharon and Rob, Fran offers a bit of anti-feminist advice:
“I’m not saying that you should have sex with Rob against your will, but if you care about your marriage, you definitely should.”
After her chat with Fran, Sharon heads home on a mission: to have good sex! But unfortunately Rob’s member doesn’t want to play along. Realizing that their day-to-day life and the stress it brings is putting a damper on their intimate relationship, Rob suggests they go away for the weekend. He’s got it all planned out: he wants to get a fancy hotel in Paris and eat steak tartar with his missus.
“And I can go down on you from behind in a big hotel shower like we used to do… or, if we’re too tired because we’re old, we can just hold hands and look out the window at the Eiffel tower. Does that sound nice?”
Very romantic indeed! They drop off the kids with Sharon’s brother and board a train, all excited and finally relaxed. But once they arrive at the hotel Johnny Depp frequents, everything starts going wrong. She sees a little French baby, and Sharon’s boobs “immediately ballooned with milk,” but just her luck—she forgot the breast pump. With sore, leaking tatas, the pair take off to the pharmacy in search of a pump, but when Rob accidentally asks them for actual breast milk, things get a bit weird. Extremely uncomfortable and fed-up, they sit down to enjoy a French meal with a bottle of red wine to a soundtrack of Sharon’s pained wincing. At this stage you can see that Rob is getting irritated with Sharon and her complaining, and although I get how much it sucks to have what was supposed to be a super romantic weekend ruined by milky circumstances and a lot of whining, come on, man—give her a break! It’s not like you’re lugging around ten kilos worth of tits!
After a silly anti-Irish argument, they end up back in the hotel where Sharon smokes a joint of “stinky French weed.” Just as she’s about to convince Rob that pumping while high is no biggie, she trips and lands flat on her back, causing her to fear she’s cracked a rib. Yay, another reason for her to complain! I did actually start sympathizing with Rob here: There he is trying to create the perfect, romantic weekend for his wife, complete with couples massages and everything. But as the weekend draws to a close and they’re sitting in a charming bistro, they both realize that, even though they didn’t have sex, they reconnected on a whole other level.
If you’re in a long-term relationship, you’re really going to appreciate this episode: Fuck expectations and just go with the flow—you’ll have a much better time this way. Even if you’re not having sex in Paris.
Roxanne Sancto is a freelance journalist for Paste and The New Heroes & Pioneers. She’s the author of The Tuesday Series & co-author of The Pink Boots. She can usually be found covered in paint stains.