Entrepreneur, self-starter, public speaker: These are all things Donald Trump claims to be—and things RuPaul’s Drag Race contestants actually are. Plus, they blend their under eye makeup. With RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars 2 premiering tomorrow, we decided to look at the best and most presidential of options from the reality show. If you need your politicians to be self-promotion machines, look no further than these RuPaul’s Drag Race queens, any of whom would make a less destructive president than Donald Trump.
1. Latrice Royale
She taught us what a BITCH is (Being In Total Control of Herself,) then embodied it. Latrice was the perfect example of someone who knows how to stay classy and still call out foolishness when necessary. She even got a judge to apologize for saying her dress looked like a couch. Those are the kind of calm negotiation skills our next president needs. Besides, Donald Trump can’t look even dignified at a fucking podium. On RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars, Latrice Royale managed to look dignified while digging through a dumpster for sardines.
2. Adore Delano
You want a winner? Someone with an entrepreneurial spirit? A reality show powerhouse? Someone who doesn’t give a fuck? Look no further than Adore Delano. We first met Adore as Danny on American Idol, where he won the hearts of George Bush’s America while being Gay. As. Fuck. Remember, this was at a time when the majority of Americans were against marriage equality AND purple hair tips. On Idol, Danny was “too feminine.” On Drag Race, Adore wasn’t feminine enough, getting criticized for her uncorseted t-shirts and wigs with roots showing. But Adore changes for no one. And even when she can’t win, she wins: Adore is the number one fan favorite queen of all time. She’s ranked higher on the music charts than any other Drag Race girl. Adore wins so much we can’t take it any more! She wins so much, we may even get tired of winning! And we’ll say please! Please, Adore! It’s too much winning!
3. Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova (Katya)
Yes, I copied and pasted her name into this article. Do you know what Katya has that Donald Trump doesn’t? Self-awareness. Katya endeared herself to Drag Race fans by embracing her anxiety with an amazing sense of humor and true egolessness. You want a candidate with quotable, controversial soundbites? Because Katya spouts gems like “I am my own worst enema.” Who do you want in charge of the nuclear codes, someone who tweets reactionary insults to anyone who criticizes them, or someone who tweeted these?
I think we can all agree on who “tells it like it is.” It’s not Trump.
4. Alaska Thunderfuck 5000
I’m pretty sure Donald stole her wig.
Hana Michels is a comedian in Los Angeles.