Friday Night. 2016.
6:30 PM
I’m going out tonight! They say technology is isolating us. Sure, I’ve outsourced social experiences like groceries, laundry, books, music and dating. And yes, I understand the basic irony that I’m writing a journal entry in the same computer that tethers me to a couch and prevents me from seeing sunlight on weekends, but I’m still in control. I’m gong out tonight! But first…
7:01 PM
A quick social media lap. Just the big four: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat. I just need to power up with some like button confidence for when I make prolonged eye contact with strangers in the real world. I look through a few girls’ profiles and consider messaging them. I immediately feel like a digital peeping tom. I miss real connections. I miss romance. Which reminds me, I’m going out tonight! But first…
7:44 PM
Gotta see if my new Kindle shipped. Some asshole stole mine when I left it unattended at a coffeehouse. Those things have no resale value so I can only assume his love of reading led him to break the law. As far as crimes go, that’s forgivable in my e-book. And secretly, it felt good to buy something. I work hard and I deserve it. And it was so easy to do! One click on Amazon and Prime has it delivered in 24 hours? It’s a no-brainer. Could I have physically purchased it at the local Best buy and had it within two hours and possibly met the woman of my dreams while in line? Yeah, but I’m not worried because I am going out tonight. If the Best Buy girl truly is the woman of my dreams, she’ll definitely be at my favorite bar later tonight anyway. But first…
8:13 PM
Hooray, I got a match! Finally! I spent all of last Saturday afternoon overhauling my dating profiles on Tinder, Bumble, Farmers Only, J Swipe, Atheist Connect, Hinge, 13th Steppers, Wasted and Lonely, STDTF, Love at Twenty-first Sight, Conjugal Visits, Friend Zone, Zero Night Stand and Naked Cuddle Party. I uploaded pics in a hip outfit, enjoying the outdoors, playing with a cute domesticated animal, and one smiling at Disneyland, clearly indicating I have a solid relationship with my inner child. I even added a witty quip in my bio about how I don’t take these apps seriously even though I secretly check on them more than my dying grandmother. And it’s a good thing I do, because unlike grandma, this girl’s responding!
8:50 PM
I can’t truly connect with anyone online. We’re all so curated and sterile. I mean, she’s nice and if her photos aren’t lying, she’s pretty, but according to Google Maps she lives 4.3 miles away. And according to Uber that’s a $12 ride. Too far and costly for a stranger I’ve still never seen. We set a tentative plan to get drinks next week. We say goodnight. I unmatch and block her. Why? I’m afraid of the unknown. Why else? Because I AM DEFINITELY GOING OUT TONIGHT. But first…
9:22 PM
The hilarious and cute Snapchat story I posted earlier today finally got some reactions. The validation makes me feel good and I hope there’s a message from a girl with loose morals and firm tits. I’m in luck! The good news: they’re tits. The bad news: it was only 3 seconds long. If I chat her up for more I’ll most likely get another. Hopefully it’s a few extra seconds so I can get a good look with my sad, lonely, desperate, stupid eyeballs. Good god what am I becoming?
10:11 PM
After exchanging photos and words that would get most people fired or disowned from most jobs and families, I decide we should meet up. I toss a casual invite to meet at a local bar. She informs me she lives in Des Moines, Iowa. According to Wikipedia, Iowa is in America. According to Google Maps, it’s 1,683 miles away. And according to Uber that’s a $9,677 ride. She makes tentative plans to visit LA this summer. I promise to be her tour guide. We say goodnight. I unmatch and block her. Why? Because I’m disgusted by my actions. I quickly recover because A. tits and B. I AM WITHOUT QUESTION GOING OUT TONIGHT. But first…
10:27 PM
I can’t go out on an empty stomach. I’ll get hangry. Hangry plus drunk means the bitterness will surface and remind me dating is futile and I’m better off in a committed relationship with loneliness. No one wants to be around that guy. If I go grab a quick bite maybe while in line an attractive woman asks if I know the difference between a kebab and shawarma. I make a joke about my ethnic background which leads to sitting together, which leads to more flirting. We walk outside. Her eyes glitter under the moonlight. I get her number, go on a handful of dates, fall madly in love and live happily ever after. Or I could order from the local Indian joint that has my last order saved on its Yelp page. Their speedy delivery will have a piping hot masala plate in front of me before I even round the corner and see the broken neons of GYRO WORLD. Order placed. I should change into some eating clothes. But first…
10:31 PM
The delivery service just emailed saying orders are backed up and the wait is 60-90 minutes. I find it odd seeing that it’s Friday and EVERYONE IS GOING OUT TONIGHT INCLUDING AND ESPECIALLY ME. I strip down and dig through the hamper for eating clothes. But first…
10:48 PM
As long as I’m in my underwear I should jerk off. I’m not about that one night stand lifestyle anymore so masturbating will silence the bad decision making that will creep up and lead to a morning of regret. But first…
11:23 PM
Delivery knocks on the door—early! I’m annoyed because I was about to deliver all over last night’s pizza box (recycling is important even when masturbating). I pray real life finally caught up to internet porn and the delivery person is a smoking hot nympho with huge tits. It’s an overweight 43 year old Indian man. I was close on the tits part.
1:04 AM
I Netflix and eat with plenty of time before last call. But first…
4:57 AM
Finding the right porn clip takes time. Finding five to play simultaneously in 5 windows takes even longer. I had a very lonely orgasm into the styrofoam container that once held my chicken masala. It’s almost 5AM. According to Google, every bar in the United States of America is closed. Am I mad? No, because if my soul mate is anything like me, she probably stayed in tonight as well.
Nick Youssef is a Los Angeles-based comedian, writer and actor who’s been seen in numerous national TV commercials, guest roles on sitcoms such as NBC’s Animal Practice, the popular videogame LA Noire and a stand-up appearance on Last Call with Carson Daly. His latest comedy album, 1982, was released in May 2016. When not on tour, Nick hosts the Occasionally Awesome podcast on the All Things Comedy network and can be seen regularly performing stand up at The Comedy Store, Laugh Factory and Improv comedy clubs in Hollywood. Shower him with praise on Twitter @nickyoussef.