Lester Holt is the moderator for tonight’s first presidential debate, and with the all the talk of whether the moderator should fact-check the candidates or just let them lie through their teeth willy-nilly (VERY tough call), it’s easy to forget the biggest issue: The questions themselves. The tone and content of the questions will define the debate, and I just hope Holt has the balls to put them on the spot with hard-hitting salvos, and not to let either candidate skate by on BS.
Some people say that there’s a false equivalency happening in the national media that wrongly places Hillary Clinton’s “scandals” at the same level as Trump’s hate-mongering neo-fascism. Well, I’m not sure about all that. What I am sure about is that we need to hold both of them accountable.
To help Lester Holt out, here are 20 questions he MUST ask each candidate if he really wants to hold their feet to the fire and serve the American voter. Let’s see if he has the balls. (Wait, I already said balls, didn’t I?)
FOR HILLARY CLINTON
1. What’s it like being a woman? Is it weird? It seems weird.
2. Everyone thinks you’re a liar. What are the three cleverest lies you’ve ever told?
3. From your public statements, it doesn’t seem like Monica Lewinsky will have a place in your cabinet. Is that because you’re still jealous?
4. What’s your least favorite thing about each of the following states: Florida, Ohio, Virginia, North Carolina, New Hampshire, Nevada, Pennsylvania, and Maine?
5. When you personally killed all those people in Benghazi, was it just business, or did you get some enjoyment out of it?
6. On the screen behind me, you’ll see a slide show of your 20 greatest moments as a politician. Please justify your clothing choice in each photo.
7. Is Goldman Sachs a real person? I know it’s the name of the company, but is there an actual guy named Goldman Sachs? What’s he like? Is he made of all gold, or all sacks, or something? When you gave your private speech to him, did you say that you hated poor people?
8. If you could guarantee world peace for 30 years by saying the words “black lives don’t matter” every morning on national TV, would you do it? As a follow-up, how can you justify either decision?
9. Are you more of a Carrie, a Samantha, a Gaddafi, or a Saddam? Please pick three.
10. It’s time for the Temptation Challenge: Over the next two minutes, a series of 12 rednecks will walk by your podium holding guns. Can you resist taking them? Start the timer!
11. Here’s a quote you may or may not have said in ‘92: “I’m glad to be out of Arkansas, because that state is chock full of pig people.” You have 1.7 seconds to respond before I start dinging this buzzer.
12. Name all four members of The Beatles, in the order in which you would have had them killed for “culture crimes” if you were President in the ‘60s.
13. Leprosy, smallpox, chronic diarrhea, elephantiasis, West Belgian coughing curse, body atrophy, spider legs, the hoppin’ jimmies, hyper-strident vocal syndrome, Juvenophobia, face & head disorder, Van Winkle narco-plague, halitosis, gun-specific kleptomania, Islamophilia, the Minnetonka shakes, brain-skip, and Zika are all difficult diseases to cope with. How did you manage to get them all at the same time?
14. Sing something for us. Just give us a little song. Do your best not to sound shrill, and don’t forget to smile. Why don’t you smile more?
15. Compare yourself favorably with Hitler, but without denigrating Hitler, which—let’s be honest—has been done to death.
16. If the ghost of Vince Foster flew into this auditorium right now, would you have the courage to apologize for making him commit suicide?
17. Please say the words “I hate this stupid stupid America” so the people at home can judge whether you’re being sincere—in which case you shouldn’t be president—or if you’re just lying again like a classic lyin’ liar.
18. Is it kind of a relief each time Anthony Wiener does something horrible online, so you can look at Huma Abedin and be like, “Jesus, at least I’m not her”? And isn’t that victim-shaming?
19. This next question comes to us via email from Anne Lipscomb, a single mother, police officer, small business owner, and activist from Cedar Rapids, IA. Unfortunately, Hillary’s lawyers have already deleted it.
20. Why did you do 9/11?
FOR DONALD TRUMP
[nervously shuffling paper] Oh hey, Donald, what’s up? Lookin’ good, my man!
2. Sometimes you tell the hard truths that a lot of politicians just won’t say. What’s up with all the haters?
3. Name the capital of America.
4. Even your detractors have to admit you’re pretty funny. Here’s a video of ten times you were hilarious on the campaign trail.
5. Which of these traits do you value the most: Luxurious authentic hair, huge lumberjack hands, or a long majestic penis? If it’s all three, just grin smugly at the camera.
6. If you’re supposedly so racist, why is it that all Mexicans love you?
7. Speaking of racist, any clue why Hillary started that whole Obama birther thing? Was she just being batty, or what?
8. Now that that media has outlasted its usefulness, will a President Trump graciously allow them to take other jobs after putting the ten worst offenders in oversized bird cages and starving them to death in public as an example? Or has the entire group already lost the privilege of your sweet sweet mercy?
9. Marry, fuck, kill: Vladimir Putin, Vladimir Putin, Vladimir Putin.
10. A lot of people think America’s enemies need a good hard dose of justice, and that you’re just the man for the job. What’s your favorite kind of ice cream?
11. Your wife is hotter than pretty much any other political wife. Please take this opportunity to say something defamatory about Heidi Cruz.
12. I would now like to do a quick role play. I’ll be the ghost of Ronald Reagan, and you’ll be you. Let’s begin: “OooooOOOoooOOOO, I endorse you, Donald, OOoooOOOOooooOOO, you’re my hero!” Your response?
13. Is it okay if America calls you “daddy”? What about just me?
14. Why don’t President Obama or Hillary Clinton have the courage to use the phrase “the Muslim scourge”?
15. Anyone who opposes you is basically saying, “I’m fine with America not being great.” Isn’t that treasonous?
16. Any updates on Megyn Kelly’s menstrual cycle?
17. Speaking of which—on the screen behind me you’ll see a short video we put together of a woman who looks like Hillary Clinton sitting in an operating room, holding two pom-poms and cheering wildly as doctors perform a partial-birth abortion. Can you let us know if this is awful?
18. Here’s another video of Hillary singing, from earlier in tonight’s debate. Considering ISIS and the economy and everything, how inappropriate was that?? I mean, come on!!
19. That wall, man. That fucking wall. Goddam. Fuck yes. I repeat: Fuck. Yes. UHHHHH. The fucking wall, baby. Get on board, motherfuckers, cuz it’s fucking wall season. I’m so fucking pumped right now. Wall me, daddy. Wall me until I’m walled out, which, spoiler alert, ain’t gonna happen, because this wall is my motherfucking life from now until the day it crushes me to death, and I thank you, Lord Donald, for finally giving me purpose and meaning. WALLLLLLL!
20. Why do you think Hillary did 9/11?