Trump/Coulter: A One-Act Play from Inside GOP Headquarters

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Trump/Coulter: A One-Act Play from Inside GOP Headquarters

In the wake of Donald Trump turning his hard-line immigration plan into the exact policy he criticized Marco Rubio and others for proposing, Ann Coulter called a meeting of the most influential minds in the Republican Party. Paul Ryan and Reince Priebus, the boy scouts that they are, show up early. Coulter busts in mad as hell. The following is a word for word transcript obtained by Paste Magazine from a source inside that conference room.

COULTER: WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!

HANNITY: Wait up Ann!

COULTER: PAUL RYAN! YOU TURNED HIM, DIDN’T YOU, YOU RAT-FACED SOCIALIST!!! ON THE DAY THIS COMES OUT?!

—Slams Book through the table—

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RYAN: Um, I don’t…

COULTER: I WROTE THIS, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!!!!

RYAN: Reince…do you want to jump in here?

PRIEBUS: —Face down in a bowl of Fruit Loops—

RYAN: REINCE!!!

PRIEBUS: Oh…erm…uh…no, I think you got this?

RYAN: Are you putting Baileys on your cereal again?

PRIEBUS: YOU TRY DOING THIS JOB!!!!! —Takes a swig of Baileys—

COULTER: WHERE IS HE??! I'M GONNA KILL HIM!!!

RYAN: He said he'd be here…Marco you said you tried calling him right?

RUBIO: I don't even know why I'm here.

RYAN: Because we're pals!...and you clearly want to run for President again. C'mon Marco, just call him and smooth things over. He's pushing your idea forward. That's progress!

RUBIO: Seriously, fuck that guy.

RYAN: [to Coulter] Um…Don's running late, care to do some Mary Katherine lunges with me while we wait?

COULTER: I hope your face melts off, you immigrant dirtbag.

RYAN: Huh? We're all immigrants Ann. This is America.

COULTER: NOT ME!! I AM THE ONE PUREBRED AMERICAN AND THAT MUTANT DORITO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE OTHER UNTIL HE SCREWED ME!!!!

—Door busts open and three creatures emerge—

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—From left to right: Alex Jones, Roger Ailes, Matt Drudge, Chris Christie (somewhere offscreen)—

COULTER: Well look what we have here, the turncoat's media douches and his master of the fast food drive through window. Did he come with you? DONALD!? Are you hiding behind this wall of fat?!

CHRISTIE: I'm not allowed to know. They blind me everywhere we go. I have to go and wait in the car now. With the windows up. Mr. Trump's orders.

COULTER: Alex what about you? You love him so I know he sends you the same lovey dovey texts I get. Where is he?

COULTER: …Um…OK…Roger can you help me out here? Where’s that meat-filled bottle of self-tanner?

AILES: BEEZAH CHIZZAH BEJA HUWAKIE TRUMPIE. ANCHE TADROY, YUBA CAMAWIBA, AWYES CHAKO, CAWA TRUMPIE!!

COULTER: No Roger, we’ve talked about this. You can’t imprison every secretary in the Republican party anymore, and you’re certainly not making a deal to hand off that traitor. WHERE IS HE?!?!?

AILES: OH DON CASA ENWUKASHA TRUMPIE, OH DON KEJO AIIIII!!!

COULTER: Fuck it.

—Coulter grabs her book, furiously flips to page 88, places a strand of Donald Trump’s hair in the middle, and sieg heil’s. The room begins to violently shake as the book morphs into a giant sword. She takes one swing and cuts Ailes in half. Jones scampers out of the room screaming something about the New World Order and lesbian ray guns.—

DRUDGE: …I’ll just sit down over here. Besides, I have some juicy stories to share about Hillary leaning on pillows that YOU. WOULDN’T. BELIEVE.

HANNITY: OOOH! MATT!! I WANNA HEAR THEM!! COME SIT NEXT TO ME!!

COULTER: I’m going to murder someone if that asshat doesn’t show soon.

RYAN: You just did….

—Coulter raises sword towards Ryan—

RYAN: OK, OK, be cool, and remember, killing me gets you the death penalty. Technically Roger isn’t human so the worst you’ll get for that is a slap on the wrist, but you’re white, so probably not even that.

COULTER: PURE WHITE!

Off in the distance, a familiar uuge voice is heard…

TRUMP: Like I said. Scarborough’s hands are so tiny. SOOOO tiny! You wouldn’t believe!

CHRISTIE: Not as big as yours are master Trump. Your hands are the best. Much better than mine.

TRUMP: See Allan, this is why I like you. You’re loyal. I NEED loyalty these days!

CHRISTIE: Sir…I’d like to tell you something…my name isn’t Allan, it’s Chris.

TRUMP: Whatever Mike, I’m late for something. Now throw this piece of gum away and go grab me a Big Mac WITH THE EXTRA SPECIAL SAUCE. ONLY THE BEST FOR TRUMP!

—Trump enters the room, looks at Ailes’ body, shrugs, and sits down next to Hannity and Drudge.—

TRUMP: You’re sorry I’m late folks. Not my fault. The broads on Fox & Friends were just yap yap yapping all morning. Not like the old days! What’s up? Why’s Rog dead?

COULTER: BECAUSE YOU SCREWED ME!!!

TRUMP: No way, you’re too old.

COULTER: Not like that, you asshole. Besides, I’d rather get plowed by Roger right now than risk getting whatever tang-flavored disease you have. The reason we’re all here is because I know that the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz and this alcoholic leprechaun helped you screw me.

PRIEBUS: —Rises from his bowl of Baileys and Fruit Loops, looks at Coulter, pauses, and collapses back into the bowl—

TRUMP: What are we talking about? Paul, does she have blood coming out of her wherever again?

RYAN: Donald, please stop saying those things, we’ve talked about this.

COULTER: I KNEW IT!!! YOU’VE BEEN HAVING SECRET MEETINGS TO TURN HIM AWAY FROM ME!!!

TRUMP: Ann, you know me. I would never—in a million years—bag an old hag like you. I don’t know what kind of wild night you had, but I told you to stop hanging out with Johnny Manziel. That man is a loser. A grade-A bonehead who does nothing but lose…although he does know how to party. Have him hit me up next weekend. I’m going to be in Martinsburg giving a speech on the EU with Marie Le Pen’s cousin.

RYAN: DONALD J. TRUMP! We talked about this! You have to go to states like Florida, Pennsylvania, and Ohio. Stop having so many events in places like West Virginia and Mississippi! We could run Obama for a third term and we would still win those states!

TRUMP: The Donald is getting those hidden voters. Like Pokémon.

RYAN: What?

TRUMP: That game everyone’s playing on their tweet makers. I’ve upgraded it. Trumped it. Uuuged it. I’m collecting hidden voters. There’s so many out there that normals can’t find. You wouldn’t believe!

RUBIO: Then how come even your own campaign manager’s poll even said you were down 5 points?

TRUMP: Why is he here, Paul?

RUBIO: BECAUSE YOU SCREWED ME!!!!!

COULTER: Marco…get in line… —Raises sword—

HANNITY: Hey guys, I know that this is a tough time, but we should try to work together, otherwise I’m going to say nasty things about you to my army of confused seniors!

COULTER: Sean…shut the fuck up. No one cares about you anymore. How do we fix this so I don’t look like a complete asshole?

RYAN: Well, we need to keep in mind that there still is an election to win.

TRUMP: Don’t worry Paul. I’ve got that covered. Winner right here. Always winning! The best! The best!

RUBIO: Sometimes I think you’re just going to transition into a psychotic break during one of these rants.

HANNITY: MARCO, IF YOU CAN’T PLAY NICE THEN I’M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO CALL YOU A RINO!! YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT IF I CALLED YOU A RINO!!!

DRUDGE: HANNITY: LITTLE MARCO THE RINO. That’s the good stuff right there. Underlined all caps headlines are the only love I know in this world.

TRUMP: Hey! Little Marco is my thing! I’m suing! Jesus, what is this? A group therapy session? Trump. Out.

COULTER: YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL WE FIGURE OUT HOW YOU CAN UNSCREW ME!

TRUMP: Paul…I mean, come on. It’s totally that thing right? I would never…

RYAN: Donald!

COULTER: TRUMPHOLE!! GET ON YOUR TWITTER AND TELL THE WHOLE WORLD WE’RE EXPELLING ALL THE IMMIGRANTS!!!

TRUMP: Why would I do that, Ann? I need the illegal immigrant vote. Very crucial. No one even knows how many votes are out there. Could be millions! Billions even!

COULTER: …if they’re illegal…they can’t vote…

TRUMP: Not when I’m President! One person one vote. If you can make it to a voting booth, you get to pick the President. But only if it’s me. No other guys can live there once I Trump the White House. That’s the Trump Amendment. Gonna give the constitution a makeover! It’s very old! We should have left it years ago. Sad!

COULTER: Donald…I am trying to work with you…please don’t make this go the route it went with Rog.

TRUMP: Rog? What happened to him?

DRUDGE: HE’S DEAD.

HANNITY: Yeah, don’t you remember stepping over his body when you walked in?

TRUMP: Oh yeah…of course I did. I was just testing you. I know everything! Classic Trump!

HANNITY: Of course you did! Classic Trump!

—Rudy Giuliani scampers into the room and slips on the puddle of ooze next to Ailes’ body—

GIULIANI: Oh hey Rog, how you doin? Lookin great!

COULTER: What the hell are you doing here?

GIULIANI: I’m part of the crew…you know…the campaign…I’m just like Sean…or Matt…or Steve…wait, why is Steve sitting in the corner?

BANNON: [Growls]

TRUMP: We’re pretending he’s dead. That’s how you make all problems go away. Manafort has been locked in my trunk for 2 weeks now. Another Trump secret! The best!

DRUDGE: BREAKING: GIULIANI NOT PART OF TRUMP’S CORE.

HANNITY: Yeah Rudy, you’re helpful, and you do a wonderful job of giving the crazies someone to relate to, but you’re just not a core player.

COULTER: You’re above Chris in the pecking order, so there’s that.

GIULIANI: I’ll take it! Anything to stay relevant! Literally guys…I’ll do anything…

COULTER: Enough with the distractions! Don, how are you going to fix this? Because obviously cheesedick over there is happy with this shit.

RYAN: Now Ann, there’s no need to keep using such nasty language. The Republican Party is an honorable institution that appeals to our best-

TRUMP: The blacks! The blacks love me! You wouldn’t believe the crowds I get! And always, two, three, sometimes even four blacks! If you use math to calculate that out, you get…um, Rudy, how many black votes does that work out to me getting?

GIULIANI: 9.3 billion sir.

TRUMP: Excuse me?

GIULIANI: Sorry, 9.3 billion, Master Supreme Leader Captain America Trumplemania.

TRUMP: 9.3 billion! You hear that? Trump’s setting records!

RYAN: Really Donald?

TRUMP: What? I’m just testing it out. Always have to test before you launch. Like a beta! See! Trump knows tech too! The best!

COULTER: What the hell does any of this have to do with immigration?

TRUMP: Nothing. I was calling in to Don Lemon.

COULTER: YOU’RE DOING PRESS AT A TIME LIKE THIS?!

TRUMP: Press? It’s just CNN.

COULTER: Tell them you’re expelling all the immigrants and building a fucking dome over America.

TRUMP: I saw a documentary about that one time. The EPA tried it on Springfield. Didn’t work. That’s why they’ve gotta go! Same with domes! Very unsafe! Sorry NBA and NHL, you’ve gotta move. Trump knows best!

RYAN: That was the Simpsons movie Donald. We watched that with my kids.

RUBIO: I can’t believe I lost to this idiot.

GIULIANI: DO NOT SPEAK ILL OF THE GREATEST MAN TO EVER WALK THE EARTH, LITTLE MARCO!!

TRUMP: Shut up Rudy. Only I get to call him that.

COULTER: Donald, I’m going to ask you one more time before I stuff everyone in this room into Roger’s body and sew it back up—how are you going to fix this?

TRUMP: Fix what?

COULTER: YOUR COMPLETE 180 ON IMMIGRATION!!! THE ONE REASON PEOPLE LIKE ME SUPPORTED YOU!!! NOW YOU’RE SAYING YOU’LL BACK AMNESTY!!! I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT YOU!!

TRUMP: What are you talking about? All I said was that it’s the same plan, except instead of getting kicked out, they get to stay and pay back taxes. What’s the big deal? The wall still is getting built. The Trump Wall of China they’ll call it! It’s better than their stupid wall! It’s old! Who wants an old wall? I want a young, hot, sexy wall like Ivanka…I mean Trump Wall!

—Coulter raises her sword and lunges at Trump—

GIULIANI: NOOOOO!!!!!!! —leaps in front of Trump, gets stabbed—

GIULIANI: D-did…I…do….good…Don?

TRUMP: Excuse me?

GIULIAINI: Sorry…Pope Trump…with the biggest…hands…in…human…history.

TRUMP: Better. But no, you failed. You’re dead. You’re a loser. You’re no good anymore.

GIULIANI: Please…one last request…before I go and join that hopefully all white gated community in the sky.

RYAN: Sure Rudy, anything for a good soldier.

GIULIANI: Put…”he stopped 9/11” on my headstone.

RYAN: What?

GIULIANI: I want everyone…to remember me…as…[unintelligible babbling]

COULTER: Of course Rudy, everyone already knows that, now please go die quietly in the corner so we can fix the real important issue here. —Raises sword at Trump—

TRUMP: You can’t kill Trump. Can’t do it! That’s why I put my name on all these buildings. They’re home base. Can’t touch me there. I’m safe. I’ll just hop on Trump Force One – by the way, what a loser this President is, riding on a plane that doesn’t even have his name on it. What’s the point?

COULTER: No Donald, I’m going to hop on Trump Force One wearing your skin. This thing has a setting for that. Now I’m going to ask you one. Last. Time. What are you going to do to fix this?

TRUMP: I’ll just say Hillary Clinton murders babies or something. It’ll be fine. I’ll do 17 straight hours of cable news after. The press will eat it up! Trump wins again! Always winning! Always!

COULTER: —Sigh— It wasn’t supposed to be like this Donald…OK my precious Goebbelator, set to make an ironman mode.

Rubio, Drudge, and Hannity dive into a corner as Ryan drags a passed out Priebus away from the table. They grab Ailes’ body and hide underneath it. A large thrashing sound and an intense high pitched squeal pierce through the room. After a few minutes, the room falls silent, and Paul peeks out over Ailes’ abdomen.

COULTRUMP: Ooooh this is nice. Very nice! I even have a penis! I’ve always wanted one of these. Wish it weren’t so small though…is that even a penis? Oh well, the rest of this is top class! Top class! The voicebox stayed intact too! Tremendous! Tremendous! The Presidency will surely be mine now!

RYAN: S-s-sir?

COULTRUMP: I AM NEITHER SIR NOR MADAM. I AM COULTRUMP AND I AM YOUR NEXT PRESIDENT!

RYAN: Well hold on now, I need to ask you a few questions first. What’s your take on immigration?

COULTRUMP: Kill them all.

RYAN: Um, OK we’ll circle back to that one. What do you think of the President’s eight years in office?

COULTRUMP: He’s not American and he’s not even human.

RYAN: OK, we can soften the language there. Last one, what’s your take on economic policy?

COULTRUMP: Tax the unemployed 100%, shut down every government program helping the poor, and let billionaires pay whatever rate they want.

RYAN: Perfect! That’s exactly what I wanted to hear, let’s go! We’ve got some campaigning to do! We’ll have to ditch Reince—we usually leave him in the middle of the forest when he does this but there’s no time for fun and games. We can make him think he’s really a leprechaun another day. We’ve got an election to win!

COULTRUMP: HANNITY! DRUDGE! BANNON! LITTLE MARCO! HEEL!

RUBIO: I’m not sure I want to do this…

—Rubio gets a phone call from one of his donors—

RUBIO: Nope, never mind. I’m all aboard the Coultrump Train! Let’s go!

The six of them leave the now blood and ooze soaked room as Reince’s heavy breathing creates waves of bubbles in his Baileys and Fruit Loops. Ryan takes a Snapchat of Priebus as he’s walking out the door.

RYAN: (on his phone) Dear John, Miss you. This job sucks, except for getting to put the dog filter on Reince. PS. He has a ghost on his chin!

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BOEHNER: New phone, who dis?

Coultrump, Hannity, Drudge, and Bannon all board the Trumpcopter and take off with Ryan and Rubio standing underneath the blades.

RUBIO: What the hell?!

RYAN: Be nice now, that’s our new nominee. But only the people in that room know. Got it?

RUBIO: Sure, just don’t bring them to my rallies. Bannon gives me the heebie-jeebies.

RYAN: We’ll try, but we need Florida or Coultrump won’t be President…Alright, let’s have some of that, as the youths say “real talk.” Does any of this really matter anyway? We got slaughtered in 2012 with the great white hope. Now we’re running a real racist wearing a kinda racist’s skin. Sure our dumbest voters will come out in droves, but we’ve got no shot in the states we have to win. We should be focusing on the down ballot races to hold on to Congress, right?

RUBIO: Duh – should we go talk to Reince?

RYAN: Nah, the last time he and I had this conversation, he broke down crying and kept telling me he was a pretty pony. He’s not in a good place right now. I don’t know about you, but I sure could use a bowl of Bailey’s and Fruit Loops. I know a great place right around the corner. Come on, hop in.

JEB!: Hey guys! How’d the meeting go?

RYAN: It was rough; we don’t want to talk about it. Please just drive. I plugged in the address to the GPS so you can leave us alone now.

JEB!: Where’s Reince? Passed out again?

RYAN: Yup.

JEB!: I’ll go get the leprechaun outfit out of the trunk, are we putting the beard on him this time?

RYAN: No, there’s no time for that. Marco and I need to get to the bar.

RUBIO: Hey Jeb!, turn up the radio, I really need my happy song right now.

The three speed off into the distance as “Everything is Awesome” plays while Marco sobs into his hands, Jeb! bobs back and forth off-beat, and a single tear streams down Paul’s face as he stares off into the distance, contemplating the mortality of himself and his party.

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