During last week’s debate, Donald Trumpclaimed that not releasing his tax returns makes him “smart.” And he’s right! Forget the almost one billion dollars he wrote off as losses on his 1995 return: If the American people only knew of the purchases listed in Donald Trump’s tax returns, they’d be shocked (which I assume they are still capable of being? Maybe? I don’t know, I’m sad.) Here is a list of purchases on Donald Trump’s tax returns he doesn’t want us to know about.
1. Hair spray (not what you think.)
Yes, Donald Trump purchases the traditional kind of hair spray. But do you know what he sprays that over? Hair Spray®! An experimental kind of spray-on hair. It’s basically silly string, but less natural and more expensive.
2. Teacups, powdered wigs, petticoats, tiny furniture and finger sandwiches for his golf clubs
Everyone “close” to The Donald knows he has a massive collection of golf clubs. It’s tremendous! Huge! But they don’t know why he has this great collection. Donald has been holding Geneveve Golfington’s (his 9 iron’s) Annual Tea Party Soiree for 5 years now. It’s the pinnacle of class and elegance. Every one of Donald’s golf clubs has a name, personality and position in high golf club society. Donald’s clubs express all the love, affection and vulnerability he is too afraid to express in real life, while still being symbols for his penis. Plus sometimes he smashes 2 clubs together. That’s sex.
3. Giant mirrors, mirror removal, giant mirrors, mirror removal, giant mirrors…
is involved in an endless cycle of purchasing and removing a series of mirrors. He fluctuates between immense satisfaction and hatred of what he sees reflected within them. Pretty much the only thing that stays on Donald’s walls is the portrait that ages for him.
4. 30,000 waist trainers
He likes leaving them around the house as “hints” to his female staff. They have yet to use them for their intended purpose. They are constructing an elaborate slingshot using the elastic. It’s facing Donald’s window. It’s pretty cool.
5. The eight mansions that surround his own
Donald just wanted to make sure they didn’t house any…unsavory types… if you know what he means. You know what he means. Black people. He means black people. Who love him by the way. He knows it.
6. A single silicone breast implant
This jiggly mass is always front and center on Trump’s desk. It’s his favorite paperweight. Sometimes he rests his head against it and cries “Mommy! Why!” His staff aren’t allowed to ask about that.
7. 50,000 earplugs
None of them worked. Donald couldn’t understand why. He could still hear his mother yelling at him through each pair. Finally, Donald realized his mother is dead and can’t actually tell him he’s not a real man. He’s just hearing her inside his own head.
made a scientist create cocaine specifically for his pet crow.
9. A toy squeaky nuclear launch button
Look, when Hillary Clinton said Donald didn’t prepare to be president she was wrong. Donald Trump purchased a squeaky plastic nuclear launch button just to practice his presidency! It’s sitting right next to the squeaky gavel he bought when he thought you could just apply to be a supreme court justice.
10. 7,000,000 dollars at Color Me Mine
This purchase needs no explanation.
There we have it! If any one of these purchases got out it would eliminate Trump’s credibility as a candidate. That is, if anything can eliminate Trump’s credibility as a candidate. It kinda seems like no one cares. I don’t even know anymore. This is sad. I’m sad. No matter what it’s about, every bit of press Trump gets somehow helps him. I’m gonna go take down all the mirrors in my house. I just can’t look at myself anymore.
Hana Michels is a comedian in Los Angeles.