First things first: I’m a proud Trump supporter. I own a “Make America Great Again” hat, and I say horribly racist things from the privacy of my recliner at least nineteen times per hour. I’m happy to watch other people suffer if I get to indulge my anger at the world by voting for a monster. I smell like a fucking Dorito at all times. I want to be totally transparent here.
Over the past few days (and months, and years), many women have emerged to accuse GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump of sexual harassment. So many, in fact, that it begins to look like a “pattern.” To the naked eye, it appears as though Trump is, in fact, a serial harasser, and that anyone who claims this is one massive conspiracy—as the entire alt-right has done—is plainly deluding himself. There is no possible way all these women could have coordinated their stories to sound so thematically similar, over the years, and then in turn have them all mesh so nicely with the audio of Trump outing himself as a serial harasser with Billy Bush…and also, all that other audio that has always been public, including the time he admitted to Howard Stern that he was a sexual predator. There is no alternative explanation that is not completely absurd.
OR IS THERE?
In a not-at-all satirical piece over on ThinkProgress, Judd Legum compiles the various accusations, which date back at least to 1980, and uses them to make the point that only a completely in-the-tank Trump apologist could ever pull off the mental gymnastics necessary to arrive at the “conspiracy!” conclusion.
But there’s one thing Legum conveniently leaves out: Time Travel.
Now, am I going to sit here and pretend that I understand the concept of time travel on even a rudimentary level? No.
Am I going to pretend that I have any concrete evidence that time travel is a thing that could actually happen? No.
Am I going to pretend that I even enjoy science-fiction, or science itself, or learning things? Absolutely not.
But am I going to press forward with the claim that who knows, maybe time travel exonerates Trump?
Yes. There are no more facts or accountability left in American politics, so I feel completely free to toss out baseless claims and believe them on the basis of my own meritless, but still fanatical, self-belief.
Now, like most people who still support Trump, I’m a lazy pig who can’t be bothered to formulate an argument that even halfway makes sense, so, fair warning, I’m not going to put a ton of thought into this. But here’s how I see it going:
1. In our original timeline, Donald Trump wins the presidential election in a landslide because of his great, specific ideas, and does an amazing job.
2. Women are furious, because a woman lost, and all women are basically the same and behave as one amoeba-like organism.
3. A bunch of women get together, organized probably by Hillary Clinton, and decide to undo history.
4. Someone invents time travel, or it’s already invented and they find it, or something. Time travel becomes possible, is the point I’m making.
5. All the different women go back to various points in history to interact with Trump in order to get him to sexually harass them. By, like, suggestion or hypnosis. I think.
6. Or maybe they just put themselves in a position to interact with him, and then accuse him later. This would be harder, and it would imply that there are actually thousands of women involved in this conspiracy, because inevitably some would fail to gain any access to Trump, so Hillary would have to play the numbers game. But again, all women think as one, so this is no obstacle.
7. I guess when the women go back in time, they also regress to their previous ages since Trump won’t be with anyone who looks older than 17? But would that mean if someone went back to like, 1940, they’d be dead since it was before they were born? Christ, I don’t know. This is more thinking than I ever wanted to do, in my entire life.
8. Now you’re thinking, “okay, this all makes complete sense, but what about the stuff Trump himself said?” That one’s a no-brainer: Hillary hired a ventriloquist to go back in time to say all those things at the perfect moment, and the ventriloquist was so good at impersonating Trump and throwing his voice that nobody noticed anything was amiss, including Trump himself.
9. The ventriloquist/impersonator is also good at getting into places like Howard Stern’s studio and Trump’s bus, and hiding so that nobody notices him. The proof of this is that there’s no record of Trump ever saying, “what’s the story with this guy that always follows me around and says things in my voice?”
10. So all this stuff happens, and then the women travel back to the future (and age back to their current ages), to October 2016, and release all their accusations at the same time.
11. Except that some of them have accused him way earlier, back when they time traveled to the past. I’m not sure why it’s like, half and half. Maybe as insurance against dying during the time travel? Smart, Hillary.
12. Oh, also, the media was involved in this too. I’m not sure how, since they would have reported this stuff anyway, but I hate the media, so I’d like to include them. And the Muslims.
I know that’s a lot to digest, so if you couldn’t make it through the whole thing, here’s the summary: Hundreds of thousands of women are framing Donald Trump via time travel at Hillary Clinton’s behest, and there are no holes in my theory.
But will you hear about this from the media? Of course not, because it goes against the liberal narrative. This story will inevitably be mocked by people who don’t want the truth to get out. So I am going to do the only reasonable thing I can, which is to go paint my face orange with Dorito dust and wipe it off with an American flag and then just rolling around on a perpetual sugar high and screaming nasty things about every woman I’ve ever known, because women are the devil and God loves me and God is Trump.
(Colin L. Whitemen is not a real writer, or person. This is not a real article. Please don’t vote for Donald Trump.)