The first political question on everyone’s minds right now is: no n o no no non nono no. The second is: will President-elect Donald Trump choose a Secretary of State? My money is on “yes, probably.” While my knowledge of conservative politicians and news contributors isn’t extensive enough to compile a likely shortlist of candidates, I am good at thinking outside of the box—people have even told that to me, in those words. Applying this trademark thinking, I’ve instead put together a few of recommendations for who, if you really think about it, should sit at the big secretary’s desk.
1. A tumbleweed
Imagine a showdown between two powerful figures. They saunter into town from opposite ends of the road, fingers twitching at their holsters. Who do you imagine darting around in the dust between them? Rudy Giuliani? That’s not the case for me. I personally imagine a tumbleweed, or Madeleine Albright.
2. The inactive Nabisco Twitter account
This is a no-brainer. @nabisco joined Twitter three years ago and has managed to steer clear of controversy where some of our most hallowed brands—I’m looking at you, SpaghettiOs—have taken the wrong stance. How? Radio silence. An empty feed. I for one would like to see some of the other diplomatic tricks up their sleeve. Hire @nabisco as Secretary of State.
3. Everyone else named Donald
I’m not sure how this would work legally. Maybe you could get a roster of Donalds and have a different one every day. You could just pack a big room with Donalds and take a vote on every decision. When it’s just you and them, you could make Donald specific jokes and everyone would get them. You could meet your new best friend in that group. I think this is a good idea.
4. Hillary Clinton
Wouldn’t that be weird? It would be funny and weird. People on your side would be like “uh, what?” People on the other side would be like “um, for real?” It would probably look like you’ve got some genius plot going on. Take a hint from Damon Lindelof and just confuse people into thinking you know how it ends. Can you imagine everyone’s faces?
5. Anyone from the 1990’s British dance-pop group Steps
You probably haven’t heard of these guys. I’d be really surprised if you had! They were promoted on the Disney channel for a hot second in the mid nineties and their self-titled album is the first CD I ever bought. I didn’t love it but I pretended to because I was embarrassed that the only music I liked was a Bizet CD my grandmother gave me. I know it sounds like I’m trying to be impressive—”oh I was listening to French operas in elementary school”—but it was just a present. It’s not like I picked it out. Anyway, back to politics, it would be a blast from the past for me to see someone from the band Steps in the news.
Ain’t no law says a President can’t be Secretary of State.
7. Whoever the president of Hoover vacuums is
This would be a good one and here is why:
1) I think it would be a good opportunity for journalists to make puns. “Former Hoover
President Sucks Up To Putin” (The Boston Globe), “Diplomacy Doesn’t Happen In A Vacuum” (The Atlantic).
2) He would be forced to give up his position at the company and frankly I think Hoover is due for some new leadership.
You don’t want some idiot who can’t do the job. You don’t want some know-it-all making you look bad and bossing you around. Just write “nobody” on the name tag that says who gets to be Secretary of State. Give the badge to nobody and seal off the office.
9. My favorite mug
I love this mug. It always brightens my day to see it, even when I’m not drinking from it. I think the mug could have a similar effect on world leaders, which would be great for preventing wars. For this reason, consider appointing the mug.
10. Bill Clinton
Aaron P. Bernstein/Getty
Even weirder! I bet he would do it.